Posted by Racer on May 26, 2006, at 12:47:26
In reply to Approval seeking, posted by ClearSkies on May 26, 2006, at 10:28:22
I was just talking to someone yesterday about exactly this. We were talking about how we just can't seem to take in the good stuff, but we instantly internalize the bad. I was saying something along the lines of, "You'd think that we'd have more trouble internalizing the bad, and that it would be easy to internalize the good..." (And then I promptly saw the problem, but she explained it so I'll use hers...)
And that's exactly how it would be, IF
If our parents had mirrored us as infants.
If our parents had validated us as children.
If we'd learned in childhood that we were all right even if we weren't perfect.
If our parents had seen us as individuals.
If our parents had encouraged us.
If -- if our lives had been different, they wouldn't be the same.
But the bottom line is that there's no way we'll ever have the approval of our mothers. Even if our mothers tomorrow said that we were as good as they'd ever wanted, and that they were proud of us, it still wouldn't fill that need, because the need is over, it's in the past, all we're really feeling right now is the artifact of that need.
I've been told that it will heal once I accept that it happened. Once I accept it and grieve for it, I'll be able to move past it. My T told me this, as did GG, and I trust both of them. (Hear that, GG? ;-P) That doesn't mean I'm ready to do it -- it's too damned frightening! I'm afraid that if I admit it, and allow that pain to come, it'll overwhelm me, and drown me. But I do accept that it's what I will need to do to move forward. That's maybe the first step?
And even though I haven't done it yet, and can't imagine having the courage to do it, I think that once I can, it'll do a lot towards stopping some of the eating disorder. Maybe if you can do the same, it can help with your little problem?
I know -- it hardly seems the same as the whole approval/validation thing, but I'm pretty well convinced by what they've said...
poster:Racer
thread:648811
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060521/msgs/648883.html