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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by saw on October 28, 2004, at 2:12:12
I really feel like crawling into a dark, dark place and just hiding. I am so very tired of ME. I am so tired of my body, my mind, my insecurities, my fears. I am so tired of striving for perfection and failing over and over again. I am so tired of logically knowing that it doesn't help to hate myself but not finding it possible to find anything worthwhile. I love my life, because I love my husband and son, but I hate me in my life. Does that make sense? I sat for hours last night just rocking back and forth and crying and hating my body and myself. My chest hurts so much from hitting myself with a fist. I've broken the veins and I guess it will bruise. Nothing wrong with that.
I apologise for this trigger but really need to get it out. I took my husband's gun last night. I held it for a long time, I stroked it, I placed it in my mouth. I had no intention of pulling the trigger so I don't know what I was doing. I then took the gun to my sleeping husband and asked him to help me, that I was just so tired. He was angry with me. When I went back later he was asleep but had put the gun between his legs. This morning he is not talking to me. So now I have that to worry about too. All I wanted was for him to hold me, to say that he understands and that it will be ok. But all I have done is anger him. Failure! As usual.
How do I get him to understand that I am weary, totally drained. I have no energy to even begin trying to like being me.
I am tapering down on Effexor and yesterday was my first 75mg dose from 112.5mg. I felt fine physically but don't know if this severe depression is because I suffer from it, or from the tapering.
I don't even have energy to apologise for this downhearted post. I need friends right now. I am lonely and tired. I am so tired.
If I close my eyes, will it all just go away?
Sabrina
Posted by Slinky on October 28, 2004, at 6:01:25
In reply to I'm losing this battle (TRIGGER), posted by saw on October 28, 2004, at 2:12:12
I'm sorry...I relate to some of your post..it's so hard to escape from the hurting hell inside of yourself..it seems nobody ever understands..or they get spooked .
Being a failure is the best starting point..everyone feels failure to some degree.
It most likely is the tapering off effexor or a great conributing factor so remember that tell yourself that..it's not your fault.
Go and crawl and hide maybe give in to the battle until you feel better..hope you feel ease soon.
I'm going to punch myself a while..I feel so damn ugly
Posted by partlycloudy on October 28, 2004, at 6:13:53
In reply to I'm losing this battle (TRIGGER), posted by saw on October 28, 2004, at 2:12:12
I agree with Slinky, Sabrina. Tapering off the effexor is doing this to you, strengthening the depression and robbing you of hope. Please know that things will get better for you. Please don't consider guns at all. That really frightens me - can you get your husband to put them in a safer place, locked up? Even unloaded, those machines are a spectre I can't deal with well.
You're not ugly. You're beautiful. You give people here all your compassion and strength, and now we can give ours to you. Please be easy with yourself right now - you're very fragile and need all the caring and love you can muster.
((((saw))))
missed you, too.
Posted by Jai Narayan on October 28, 2004, at 9:11:21
In reply to Re: I'm losing this battle (TRIGGER) » saw, posted by partlycloudy on October 28, 2004, at 6:13:53
Way down deep I know that tiredness.
That weary feeling that it's never going to get better.
That I can do no right.
If I cry out for love and tenderness I just get rejected.
I think it's my inability to ask properly.
That every failure is my fault.
Then I never get what I want and need.
And my need is so huge...
if I don't get the love I will die.
Yes I have been there most of my life off and on.
I have done some scary things to get the love....Dear Sabrina,
please get some help.
You need support right now.
Get some help now.
NOW
people who love us don't always understand what we need and sometimes they get scared. You don't want to frighten him you want him to hold you and tell you it's going to be alright...Get support from someone who can help you with your meds and someone who can hold you while you cry.
I swear that can be so amazing.
It's such a contradiction for what we are feeling.
It's the perfect medicine for when we are feeling unloveable.Please no more nights with a gun in your mouth. No more.
Get help.
We love you so much here on babble.
If we could we would reach out and hold you....can we make plans today...
1. call your DR. and tell them about your meds not working
2. Get your T to hold you today...
maybe for a few minutes...
or longer.
3. Get a body massage, take a cozy bath....
4. let us love you....
even a tiny bit...
just ever so little at first till it feels safe to let more of this love in.Remember we are here, we are real people who have love and support for you.
Your buddy
Jai
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 28, 2004, at 9:32:54
In reply to I'm losing this battle (TRIGGER), posted by saw on October 28, 2004, at 2:12:12
(((Sabrina)))
Perfectionism, and striving for it, has been the downfall of many people. perfection is impossible to attain. I think once people begin to accept this and believe it, the world would be a much happier place.
We love you! It distresses me SO MUCH when I read that people intentionally hurt themselves. Hang on SAbrina, things will get better.
Posted by saw on October 28, 2004, at 10:06:39
In reply to Re: I'm losing this battle (TRIGGER), posted by Jai Narayan on October 28, 2004, at 9:11:21
Jai, your words are very special to me and I need them very much right now. Thank you.
Sabrina
Posted by saw on October 28, 2004, at 10:08:25
In reply to Re: I'm losing this battle (TRIGGER), posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 28, 2004, at 9:32:54
I give a very feeble small voiced fingers crossed behind my back promise not to hit my chest tonight. I did such a good job last night it really hurts!
Thank you for thinking of me Miss H.
Sabrina
Posted by SLS on October 28, 2004, at 12:15:04
In reply to I'm losing this battle (TRIGGER), posted by saw on October 28, 2004, at 2:12:12
Your husband might be displaying anger, but this is most likely the result of his true emotions: frustration and fear. He doesn't know what to do, and he is scared. He relies on you. He needs you. He loves you. He wants you and the life you have built together. He is afraid that you are going to take that all away from him.
Did you tell him what you needed from him? Did you tell him that you were frustrated and frightened and confused and worn out? Did you tell him that you want to live and that you love your life? Did you tell him that you were willing to work and do whatever is necessary to find a good place with him? Did you tell him that you need his help?
Communicate. Allay his fears. Tell him what you need from him. Ask him what he needs from you. Be partners in this.
I hope that some of this is helpful.
It is very likely that the reduction in dosage of Effexor is responsible for the worsening of your depression. What are your reasons for doing this?
- Scott
Posted by justyourlaugh on October 28, 2004, at 13:39:17
In reply to Re: I'm losing this battle (TRIGGER) » saw, posted by SLS on October 28, 2004, at 12:15:04
scott,
very moving and wise words..
i cried when i read them..
i promised myself to talk to my c when he comes home..
you are an amazing member..
thankyou
jyl
Posted by fayeroe on October 28, 2004, at 13:56:44
In reply to I'm losing this battle (TRIGGER), posted by saw on October 28, 2004, at 2:12:12
Hi, I'm a former Effexor user and experienced horrible depression when I tried to get off of the med without tapering down. I suggest that you taper down very, very slowly. I think that you'll feel a lot better.I did successfully get off of it by tapering. I've also heard that taking prozac helps while coming off Effexor. AND are you coming off of it because of a discussion with your doc? Be sure he/she knows what you're doing now. Take care, Pat
Posted by Jai Narayan on October 28, 2004, at 16:19:49
In reply to Re: I'm losing this battle (TRIGGER) » Jai Narayan, posted by saw on October 28, 2004, at 10:06:39
Sweet Sabrina you are very important to me as well.
I will hang on to you lovely woman.
jai
Posted by SLS on October 28, 2004, at 16:48:51
In reply to scott » SLS, posted by justyourlaugh on October 28, 2004, at 13:39:17
> scott,
> very moving and wise words..
> i cried when i read them..
> i promised myself to talk to my c when he comes home..
> you are an amazing member..
> thankyou
> jyl
You've made my day.:-)
Thanks.
- Scott
Posted by boomarang on October 28, 2004, at 20:40:37
In reply to I'm losing this battle (TRIGGER), posted by saw on October 28, 2004, at 2:12:12
sabrina,
i have been reading this board for a while now and i can't recall ever hearing you sound like this. it is very distressing. please tell us you feel better. sending you strengthening vibes.
sara
Posted by 64bowtie on October 30, 2004, at 18:29:15
In reply to I'm losing this battle (TRIGGER), posted by saw on October 28, 2004, at 2:12:12
....no matter what.
I have a personal fondness for your awareness of humor... I have cherished the humor you have found and shared... I've passed on some of your funny stuff and got atta-boys from friends and acquaintences... You give great humor!!!
Please consider that how you see yourself may not be how you are, if others have obligated you to them and demand you see things their-way or the highway!
First off, its not their life. Its your life. You got this far on your own wits. It doesn't make any sense to me that you can't pull some other rabbit outta the hat again!
Seek beauty and beautiful things, one day at a time. Seek others who seek beauty. One day soon you'll wake up surrounded by beauty and beautiful stuff 'n' folks 'n' things ..............
Rod
Posted by saw on November 1, 2004, at 0:38:16
In reply to We won't abandon you, Sabrina, posted by 64bowtie on October 30, 2004, at 18:29:15
To all my friends
I have good news and I'm not much better news.
The me part first. I had another major meltdown on Thursday night after my husband told me that he will NOT support me and that I am just pathetic. I collected every last pill I had but got too drunk to take them. (One up on alcohol!!). My eyes were so swollen and my body hurt so bad that I didn't go to work on Friday. Another pathetic move. The next thing there was anmbulance outside and a paramedic (a rather dishy one I might add) banging at the door. I had apparently sent my pdoc a text that it was the end. I spent all of Friday and the rest of the weekend in bed. My husband went away for the weekend and didn't even tell me he loved me when he left. Anyway, we had another argument on the phone on Saturday night and he cut the call. By this time I had had enough and sent him a message that it was just another nail in my coffin. He started phoning me after that but I just refused to take his calls. At this point, to save you all the boring details he did some sort of a turnabout that night. I think he just realised that I wasn't crying wolf but that something is REALLY wrong.
On Sunday evening we spoke and he told me that he just CAN'T understand. I told him that he CAN, it's simply that he WONT because it goes against all his own mental strength. He finally admitted that he is scared (thank you Scott) and does not know what to do for me anymore. I have asked him to come to a therapist with me so that this illness and all it's ugliness can be explained to him. He is happy to. In fact, he said the quicker the better. In all my tears I launched into an almighty panic attack right in front of him. I expected him to walk away but he held me, rubbed my back, told me to breath, just spoke so quietly to me. I was able to calm down more quickly than usual and actually fell asleep. So that's the good news.
Now for the thank you's to:
This sister I never had, partlycloudy and her unwavering support and sound advice
My dear friend AdaGrace and her beauty, and her pain that I share
vwoolf, my close companion, friend and supporter
Scott, your words meant so much, and were true! I appreciated a man's perspective
Sarah, I so appreciate that you read my posts. Thank you for your support
Alesta, your encouragement means the world to me.
Rod, thank you enjoying my humor and for passing it on and for your kind words
Fayeroe and Slinky, thank you
Jai and Miss Honeychurch, I have thanked you already but another one won't do any harm
Oh, and I just know that I have forgotten someone. I promise I do not mean to.
Thank you to absolutely everyone for the support I have so needed. I had a miserable weekend and longed to be able to get to babble.
Sabrina
PS. The tapering is as per pdocs advice. (Could not handle the weight gain). Physically I have had no problems, it has just been the mental crash. I will be starting Lamictal in a couple of weeks.
Posted by antigua on November 1, 2004, at 9:46:38
In reply to Thanks and update (long), posted by saw on November 1, 2004, at 0:38:16
I'm very glad you made it through the weekend safely, and I'm especially grateful that your husband WANTS to understand what's going on with you and is willing to take a more active role.
best of luck to you,
antigua
Posted by JohnDoenut on November 1, 2004, at 18:19:16
In reply to Re: Thanks and update (long) » saw, posted by antigua on November 1, 2004, at 9:46:38
It sounds to me like this story is starting to have a happy ending. Or a happy beginning. Yes think of it that way. A new beginning!
All this reminds me that Im not sure what life is supposed to be about. This is a real story of the struggle of two people to work things out and come together in a more meaningful way. Meanwhile in the media we are bombarded with messages about we have to be perfect in every way and if we are not then there is something wrong with us. We must be affluent and get the american dream or we are losers. But then on the other hand way back when there was no media and people just worked at living I think maybe it was better for people. If you lived in a log cabin and chopped wood and grew food etc and worked on that then these are the basics of everyday living. Things are too messed up now. I think I would like to live in a cabin in the middle of nowhere.
This is the end of the thread.
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