![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 144 to 168 of 233. Go back in thread:
Posted by LynneDa on February 17, 2004, at 13:34:20
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by geri122 on February 17, 2004, at 13:20:48
Hi! I'm glad to hear from you. It sounds like you're doing what you can and maintaining - which is better than sinking . . . good for you:-) Take care, I'm pulling for you - that your bad feelings will go away and/or that you learn really good coping skills to get through them!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>its been a while since i have last posted. I just want to let you know that i am still here and still healthy. Nothing has really changed... but i am trying to cope and deal with it. I will try to post here more frequently.
>
>
Posted by geri122 on March 24, 2004, at 18:15:52
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by LynneDa on February 17, 2004, at 13:34:20
It has been a very long time since i last wrote. For a while things were acually looking up, but then life made its turn. I lost control of myself. I spent the night at a friends house and well we went out, to a party. We started to drink and all of my problems seemed to disappear. I didn't have to think about my life and how horrible it was. I liked it. That was about 3 months ago, I've been doing the same since. I thought that my life was hell before, but ever since i made the decision to try to drown my problems away, everything just seemed to get worse. I have lost all my friends, but the worst part of it is i have disappointed my sister. The other night i told her i love you and good night and she couldn't say it back. I cryed. It hurt me soo much. I just wanted everything to be ok in my life. I mean i tried almost everything else. I'm really alone now. Everything is soo wrong. I mean, i'm done. i look aroung and see what it is doing to my life. I really am done. I told that to a friend and she didn't believe. This is the same friend that i use to tell everything. She was always there for me and now during a time that i need her most she leaves me. Im dying inside. I really am. I don't know what to do. And the sad thing i really don't care. I have gotten to that point were i do not care. Im sorry that i am all of a sudden telling you guys this, but i need to tell someone this. I need to!
Here, this is something i wrote about my life:
They turned their backs,
And walked away.
They leave me here,
Alone to stray.
I lost all hope of what i had,
My life has gone from good to bad.
They thought they knew about my life,
My back was stabbed with a knife.
I live in fear from all the rest,
I hide behind what's not the best.
Afraid of what could really be,
Somthing worth while for me.
They musy be perfect as could be,
Because now they all seem to judge me.
That one decision that i made,
What I'd do to make a trade.
I'm forced to walk the world in shame,
Now whose the one that i should blame?
THey turned their backs,
And walked away.
They leave me here,
Alone to stray.
They say their worried, that's their excuse,
Then why can't we make a truse?
THey run their mouths about my life,
Again, there goes another knife.
"Friends Forever" we use to say,
Why doesn't that mean something today?
Posted by fallsfall on March 25, 2004, at 8:10:25
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by geri122 on March 24, 2004, at 18:15:52
Hi Geri,
I'm glad you posted again.
Alcohol can certain make it seem like the problems just go away. I think that you are very smart to realize that it doesn't really do that - that it really makes things worse. I'm so glad you could figure this out in 3 months. Lots of people take a lifetime to understand that.
A term that people use for this is "self-medicating". You were using Alcohol as a medicine to dull your pain, and you were "prescribing" it for yourself. This is such a common thing. Don't be mad that you did it, given how much pain you have been in, it is really quite understandable. But do recognize that for you to go to that extreme must mean that you really do have some situations that you feel are out of control. Recognizing that is important.
I remember that you had a favorite teacher (was it you English teacher from a previous year? my memory is terrible...). Could you think about talking to her? You can tell her that you need to talk to someone, but that you have to ask her to promise not to tell anyone what you say. She can keep that promise as long as you aren't about to kill yourself. It doesn't sound like you are ready to do that, are you? Or talk to the Guidance Counselor you mentioned.
You can start slowly - start with the situation with your friends and your sister, maybe. That you feel like they are all deserting you. Maybe that topic won't feel too scary. If she asks why you think they are doing this, you can say that you aren't quite comfortable talking about the reasons quite yet. What you need right now is for someone (some real, live, flesh and blood person) to know and understand that you are hurting. You don't have to talk about the alcohol, or the depression, or your parents. Just let someone know that you are hurting and need some support. It may be a very short conversation, and they may only be able to say "Gee, Geri, I can tell that you are really upset by this. I wish that life wasn't so hard for you. I can't really help you right now, because I don't know what is going on. But I am sorry that you are in such a bad position right now. If you decide that you want to tell me more later, I would be happy to listen."
I wish that I was your teacher or Guidance Counselor so that I could say that to you.
(((((Geri)))))
Posted by geri122 on March 25, 2004, at 15:53:47
In reply to Re: Desicions » geri122, posted by fallsfall on March 25, 2004, at 8:10:25
I acually had a conversation with one of the people that turned on me or whatever. I don't know what to do. i Mean i let her know what was going on. She said that they all were worried and that is why they all stopped talking to me. They said that they didn;t want me to get hurt. They said they tried to warn me or whatever, They have no clue and that is my biggest problem, they don't know. NO ONE does and that is really hard. No i can;t turn to that teacher, it is really hard to turn to a friend let alone a adult. I mean, yeah a friend could not do anything to help, but and adult can and that scares me. My biggest fear is i will tell an adult and they will go to my principle who is friends with my dad and he knows me real well. If they go to him he will go to my parents, i can't deal with that right now, I mean with all the problems that i am already dealing with, my parents are also a problem. I can't even begin to explain to them how i feel about life, and just everything. Posting here made the only sence. I just i feel so tired and dead. You know like everything around me is moving on in life except for me. I am here all alone stuck in hell. I don't know if what i am saying makes sence, because i really can't make much sence these days. I just don't know!!
Posted by fallsfall on March 25, 2004, at 19:23:59
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by geri122 on March 25, 2004, at 15:53:47
Yes, you make perfect sense.
I really wish you could trust your teacher. If she PROMISED not to tell anyone, could you believe her? The only thing that I know of that would make her legally bound to tell someone was if you were planning to kill yourself or another person. But you aren't (right?). You are miserable, and don't know what to do, but as long as you are planning to stay alive, she SHOULD keep her promise. It is always possible that someone would break their promise, but if she is a good teacher, she will understand the importance of a promise like that.
I'm glad you talked to your friend. I guess I don't quite see why stopping talking to you is a good thing to do if they are worried about you.
I know that you are feeling so alone. I know that feeling, and I know how much better it feels to have someone else understand your pain. Can you talk to your sister? If I remember correctly, you started posting in November (or October)? That is an awfully long time to be in pain. I wish you had someone on your side.
Please think about talking to the teacher. You don't have to tell her anything that you don't want to. Give her a little bit of information, and see what she does with it. Does she listen? Does she understand why it is hard for you? Does she have any good suggestions? Does she order you to do something you aren't comfortable with? Does she go to the principal? If she asks questions that you don't want to answer, you can just say "I'm not ready to answer that question. Maybe later, but not now". Will she accept that answer? She can't MAKE you tell her anything you don't want to. You do have control. You can just talk about your sister, or your friends not talking to you - these things happen to every teenage girl. Talking about these things won't tell her anything that could be used "against" you. But it could tell you how she will react to you and whether she can help you feel less alone.
I hate to see you hurting so much for so long.
(email if you want to babble fallsfall - a hotmail account)
Posted by 64Bowtie on March 25, 2004, at 19:56:55
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by geri122 on March 25, 2004, at 15:53:47
> I am here all alone stuck in hell. I don't know if what i am saying makes sence, because i really can't make much sence these days. I just don't know!!
>
<<<Geri, when comparing what you're saying to what others share here, what you are saying others say, too. Can you say which parts of your "hell" is something you caused alone?Most of us have trouble telling the difference between what other people induce onto us and which things we create. Whatever is someone elses and not ours alone, should be ignored and or avoided. It might be always right for them but cna be bad for us. If what they demand is bad for us, we need to cut those things out of our lives.
We can then be the adult that we always wanted to be. We can then float-our-own-boat! At first it feels awkward not having someone telling us how and when to think. As time goes on, we get good at it. We surprise ourselves how good we really are.
This may seem like I'm not listening to you. I am listening and hearing the same things from many people. They can't make sense out of this or that. If the decision was really theirs, they would see clearly what was going on. Someone else wants you to do something that doesn't feel right, even though you trust them (or something like this).
After age 15, the genetic-god has changed our wiring, so what used to be safe, may no longer seem safe since we have new skills of perception to look at things with. Things may now look different, but I submit, more true!
So, if we feel out of sorts, we can do ourselves a favor and trust our vision and hold testimony and opinion suspect. They are only strories about what happened, not what you saw. Trust what you saw, make a decision, and go forward!
Rod
PS: denial is an enemy of common sense. Acceptance is an adult attribute that can replace denial.
Posted by fallsfall on March 25, 2004, at 20:35:05
In reply to Re: Desicions are different for grown-ups » geri122, posted by 64Bowtie on March 25, 2004, at 19:56:55
Geri is 16. Don't ask her to grow up too soon.
Posted by 64Bowtie on March 26, 2004, at 2:40:31
In reply to Re: Rod... » 64Bowtie, posted by fallsfall on March 25, 2004, at 20:35:05
Posted by geri122 on March 28, 2004, at 19:54:49
In reply to Re: Rod... Oooops... Didn't know! (nm) » fallsfall, posted by 64Bowtie on March 26, 2004, at 2:40:31
Your right i should grow up... i should be able to deal with my problems also but ican't. I don't want to open up because i don't want them to judge, but they do anyway. My life is hell, why because it seems like everything i do is wrond, like i get punished for everything i do, no matter what it is.I don't know how to be honest with myself and others expect me to be honest with them. My friend is on my case because i don't talk to her... what she doesn;t know is she has hurt me in soo many ways and she has no clue. Should i tell her and ruin what little friendship we have left...
tell my sister... im sorry but she is naive. She is the complete opposite of me. And the big reason is im embarrassed, I don't want her to know i am weak. I don't want to be weak.
Posted by fallsfall on March 29, 2004, at 6:40:22
In reply to Re: Rod... Oooops... Didn't know!, posted by geri122 on March 28, 2004, at 19:54:49
I know you are embarassed. But people can't help you if they don't know what the problem is.
How strong is your friendship if you can't tell her that she has hurt you? If you believe that she really is a true friend, you should be able to talk about this.
Geri, You need to share with someone. I can tell that posting here help you - and please continue to post. But Babble is NOT a replacement for a local, real, live support system.
Human beings are community oriented creatures. That is how we survive - by leaning on and helping each other.
Sure, your embarassed. All of us are. None of us don't have things that we hide and don't want to tell. But I truly have found that having someone (anyone) else who understands what life is like for me is incredibly calming. The things that you are embarassed about (at least what you have told us) are not so weird and unusual. But they are painful. There is NOTHING embarassing about needing someone to understand you. EVERYBODY needs someone to understand them. Just start small and give someone the chance to show you that they are on your side.
You could start by talking to your teacher and asking her about confidentiality. Ask her what she would do under certain circumstances, and then list some things that apply to you and some things that don't. Like ask her what she would do if you told her you were shoplifting, or that you were into drugs, or that you were really depressed, or that all your friends were leaving you, or that you felt too embarassed to talk about what is bothering you, or that you were having sex with guys you don't know. Make up a great list - put some outlandish stuff in the list so that she knows that some of it can't be true - then she won't know where to draw the line between what could be true and what isn't.
Geri, sometimes we have to decide that we need help more than we need to keep from being embarassed. What is the worst that could happen if you talk to your teacher? If you've only asked hypothetical questions, or talked about your friends not talking to you anymore - what is she going to do? Call your parents and tell them that your friends aren't talking to you and that you have a vivid imagination? I don't think she would do that. But even if she did, your response is that your friends aren't talking to you. That you are 16. And you were testing to see how she would handle confidences - and she flunked. That doesn't seem so awful to me. Does it to you?
It is more likely that she will listen and care and maybe be concerned, and ask some questions that you can refuse to answer. And then she'll say that if you want to talk more, that she would be happy to listen.
You need to take that chance. The pain of embarassment is LESS than the pain that you are feeling now. It is scary to take that leap and trust someone, but I REALLY think that you will feel better if you do.
I'm sending you strength and courage. Keep in touch.
Posted by fallsfall on March 29, 2004, at 7:22:32
In reply to Re: Geri » geri122, posted by fallsfall on March 29, 2004, at 6:40:22
Geri,
Emmaley posted the words to a song in a thread below. When I read them I thought of you. It is the first song in her post, and it is "Strength, courage and wisdom by India Aire" I haven't heard the song, but I love the lyrics. Here's the post: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040324/msgs/329721.html
Thinking of you.
Posted by sfmom on March 29, 2004, at 11:37:23
In reply to Re: Geri, posted by fallsfall on March 29, 2004, at 7:22:32
Hi Geri,
I had been wondering how you were doing. . .
I can't say that I didn't self-medicate with alcohol (and other things) over the years, but I do know that it didn't work, which you've already found out. You know, my best friend since high school is now a social worker and suicide counselor. She's always been strong and I always thought she had her sh*t together. But when I was in high school, I couldn't even talk to her, and when I did, I still felt like she couldn't understand, even though she worked at a hotline even then. I'm not saying that she didn't care or didn't want to help me, but she was actually too close to me to be able to really help. Like how it's easy for us to to be totally open to each other on Babble, when we feel we could probably never say these things to our families.
I know it doesn't feel like it, but there are so many options for you. Your sister does love you, she just doesn't know how to deal with what you're going through. And, I imagine, she may be going through more than you know about. You know, she's 16 too, and it's just a hard age to be.
BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CAN HELP YOU. (See list below.) There is nothing that you are going through that these people haven't heard before. These people do this because they care about helping people, and usually, have gone through similar stuff themselves. I don't want to overwhelm you with too much information, and I was just going to give you the number for your city, but I'm giving you the whole list for two reasons. 1) just in case you want to call someone outside of your city, and 2) to show you how common it is that people need help and need to talk to someone anonymously. They don't have doctors answering the phones or anything, but they do have people who can give you options and assure you that you are not alone. If you'd like me to call and get any information for you before you call I would be glad to. Just give me a list of questions and I'll ask them and write out the answers.
Just one more thing Geri, you don't need to "grow up." You've already had to deal with way too many grown-up issues and have not been able to enjoy being young. At the risk of being extremely cheesy and dating myself, "Hold on to 16 as long as you can. Changes come around real quick and make us women and men."
Please keep in touch. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I believe in you. You have more strength than you know and I know you can come through this!!!!!
Love, Lyssa
Altoona Hospital Center for Mental Health Ser
(814) 946 2141
[Crisis Line] (814) 946-2279
620 Howard Ave.
Altoona, PA 16601-4899CONTACT Altoona
(814) 946-0531
[Crisis Line] (814) 946-9050
(814) 946-1933 TTY Line (Deaf Line)
PO Box 11
Altoona, PA 16603Contact Careline for Greater Philadelphia
(215) 877-9099
[Crisis Line] (215) 879-4402
P.O. Box 2516
Bala Cynwyd, PA 19004-6516CONTACT Beaver Valley
(724) 728-3650
[Crisis Line] (724) 728-3650 CONTACT Beaver Valley
P.O. Box 584
Beaver, PA 15009Irene Stacy Community Mental Health Center
(724) 287-0791
[Crisis Line] (724) 287-0440
(800) 292-3866
112 Hillvue Dr.
Butler, PA 16001Crisis Intervention/Teenline C/O Holy Spirit Hospital
(717) 763-2219
[Crisis Line] (717) 763-2345 Teenline
(800) 722-5385 Teenline
(717) 761-6013 Crisis Intervention
503 N. 21st Street
Camp Hill, PA 17011Northampton County Crisis Intervention
(610) 252-9060
[Crisis Line] (215) 252-9060
45 N. 2nd St.
Easton, PA 18042Northampton Co. Emergency Service
(610) 252-9060
[Crisis Line] (215) 252-9060
45 N. 2nd St.
Easton, PA 18042Erie Hotline, Inc.
(814) 456-2937 Ext 247
[Crisis Line] (814) 453-5656
PO Box 6556
Erie, PA 16512Adams/Hanover Counseling Serv
(717) 334-9111
[Crisis Line](717) 334-2121 After Hours
(717) 334-0468 9am-5pm
44 S. Franklin St.
Gettysburg, PA 17325Adams/Hanover Counsel Service
Crisis Intervention Program
(717) 632-4900
[Crisis Line] (717) 632-4900
(717) 334-0468
(717) 637-3711 After Hrs: Hanover Hospital
(717) 334-2121 After Hrs: Gettysburg Hospital
(800) 673-2426
625 West Elm Avenue
Hanover, PA 17331Contact Helpline
(717) 652-4987
[Crisis Line] (717) 249-6226 Carlisle
(717) 652-4400
(800) 932-4616
PO Box 90035
Harrisburg, PA 17109-0035
contact@paonline.comDauphin County Crisis Intervention
(717) 255-2705
[Crisis Line] (717) 232-7511
25 S. Front Street
Harrisburg, PA 17101
kstumpp@microserve.netThe Open Door
(724) 465-2605
[Crisis Line] (724) 465-2605
20 South Sixth Street
Indiana, PA 15701
webmaster@theopendoor.orgFamily Services
(717) 394-2631
[Crisis Line] (717) 394-2631
1120 Francis Ave
Lancaster, PA 17601Contact Lancaster Helpline
(717) 291-2261
[Crisis Line] (717) 786-5444 Hensel/Kirkwood Access
(717) 394-2000 Teen Line/Kids Line
(717) 299-7184 TTY (Deaf and Voice)
(717) 299-4855
(717) 738-0738 Denver/Adamstown Access
447 E. King St.
Lancaster, PA 17602Northeast Counseling Services
(717) 735-7590
[Crisis Line] (717) 455-6385
(717) 735-7590
130 W. Washington St.
Nanticoke, PA 18634-3113Contact E.A.R.S. Helpline
(724) 652-0333
[Crisis Line] (724) 657-8255 Contact Teenline
(724) 658-5529
PO Box 7804
New Castle, PA 16107Montgomery Co. Emer. Serv. Inc
(610)-279-6100
Caller Box 3005
Norristown, PA 19404-3005Philadelphia Suicide & Crisis Cntr
(215) 685-6440
[Crisis Line] (215) 686-4420
1101 Market 7th Floor
Philadelphia, PA 19107Carnagie Library of Pittsburgh Helpline
[Crisis Line] (412) 578-2450
4400 Forbes Ave
Pittsburgh, PA 15213Contact Pittsburgh, Inc.
(412) 820-0100
[Crisis Line] (800) 578-5100
(412) 820-4357
(412) 373-4357
(412) 787-4357
(412) 343-4357
(412) 864-4357
(412) 469-9999
(412) 361-8336 Teenline
P.O. Box 111294
Pittsburgh, PA 15238
contact@trfn.clpgh.orgContact Bucks County
(215) 355-6611
[Crisis Line] (215) 355-6000 Lower & Central Bucks
(215) 536-0911 Upper Bucks
(215) 340-1998 Central & Upper Bucks
(215) 547-1889 Lower Bucks
PO Box 167
Richboro, PA 18954-0167Free Info & Ref System
Telephone F.I.R.S.T.
(717) 961-1234
[Crisis Line](717) 961-1234
538 Spruce St. Suite 420
Scranton Life Bldg
Scranton, PA 18503-1816Delaware Co. Crisis Intervention (WestSide)
(610) 565-6000
[Crisis Line] (610) 447-7600
Crozer Medical Center
Upland, PA 19013Chester County Mental Health
Crisis Intervention Service
(610) 918-2100
[Crisis Line] (877) 918-2100
(610) 918-2100
222 North Walnut St
West Chester, PA 19380Counseling Serv of NE PA
(717) 823-2155
[Crisis Line] (717) 823-2155
110 S. Pennsylvania Ave
Wilkes-Barre, PA 18702Helpline
[Crisis Line] (717) 829-1341
1195 Highway 315
Wilkes-barre, PA 18702Williamsport YWCA/Helpline
(717) 323-8555
[Crisis Line] (717) 327-2870
(717) 323-8555
(800) 326-9577
815 W. 4th St.
Williamsport, PA 17701Crisis Intervention
York Hospital
(717) 851-3156
[Crisis Line] (717) 851-5320
(800) 673-2469
1001 South George Street
York, PA 17405CONTACT - York
(717) 854-9504
[Crisis Line] (717) 757-0733
PO Box 1865
York, PA 17405
Posted by LynneDa on March 29, 2004, at 12:27:06
In reply to (((Geri))), posted by sfmom on March 29, 2004, at 11:37:23
Hi Geri - it's very good to hear from you, I was wondering how you were doing. I'm sorry to hear that you're not doing well.
You are not weak just because you need help getting through this time. I know it feels embarrassing, I've struggled with that thought too. But, I really urge you to contact one of the numbers Lyssa gave you.
Great news that you tried the self-medication route and realized it was a bust. There's nothing like getting it over and done with early in your life instead of struggling with it way into adulthood :-). Please don't beat yourself up over that. It's over and done with. Everyone I know has gone thru some sort of "experimentation" stage. Your sister probably will in college if she doesn't do it in high school.
Your friends. People have a hard time sticking by someone who is going through a hard time. They don't know what to say or do. They may be confusing your depression with stand-offish-ness. They just may not know how to read you or what to say or do. They are dealing with their own issues and may not have any extra energy to give to you. Teens (and people in general) are fearful of people who make different choices. Your choice to party probably did push them away. I would talk to them and tell them you know it was wrong, it was a phase and now you're done with it. You may have to take the first step with this. Sometimes people don't want to be close to a person who is struggling emotionally because it reminds them too much how fragile they are as well. It's like they're afraid it will rub off on them!!
Try not to take it too personally, because you'll only end up being disappointed! I'm not trying to be negative, but realistic. Please realize how strong you are on the inside. Don't give up trying to reach people. Someone will eventually click with you and be able to listen and share their own struggles. You just haven't found him or her yet.
Geri - Can you list out what the issues are right now in your life? Just feeling depressed? But what does it lead to or what are the causes. If we are going to attack and fix ourselves, we have to know what we're dealing with. Feeling like everything you do is wrong? Keep a journal about your decisions and actions. Are they really that wrong? Is there really nothing you do right? Who defines right and wrong for you? What are the motivations behind your actions - maybe those are okay, but they were just misperceived and maybe you can explain or write in a note what you really meant.
These are the kinds of things you can talk over with a counselor, once you've unloaded about feeling blah, depressed, etc. They will take things event by event and help you unravel them. Right now, it feels like you've got this big tangled ball of yarn and it's hard to see where things begin and end and how to get it all straightened out, isn't it?
I really wish I could be there in person to talk to you face to face or take you to someone anonymous! Talk therapy really does help sort things through. It takes the pressure off, gives you something tangible to work on in your life.
Please keep writing. I loved your poem. It hit the nail on the head for many people, I am sure. I'm sorry you feel alone and betrayed. You are not weak, you are wise because of your experiences and introspection. We just have to get you through your agony so you can enjoy these years in your life!!! YOU are important!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on March 30, 2004, at 16:37:37
In reply to (((Geri))), posted by sfmom on March 29, 2004, at 11:37:23
I have had several talks with a few of my friends... The one well she tried to blame the world on me, make it seem like it was all my fault. She told me that i was supposed to be the smart one for them to turn to when they wanted to make a mistake. They wanted to use me as a scapegoat... they don't know.. i tried to explain to them what was going on but she didn't want to hear it. "I'm making excuses for my life that i am ruining". She doesn;t want to listen, she wants to hurt me.
THe other friend, she has been the most understanding. but today when i talked to her she called me a liar and walked away. How can i tell these people when they don't want to hear it.
My sister, yeah well i could tell her but there are many reasons holding me back. She is naive, she won't know what to do, so she will go to my parents. I don't want that, or i would tell them myself. If she doesn't tell them she well say something to someone else. She has done that. My whole "self-medicating" situation, she went and told the whole school. That is what caused a lot of problems.
I don't want to make excuses that is not what im trying to do. They just don't understand.. i can't trust people for a reason.
How can i open up to others when i can't to my dad. I have talked about him before, but things have gotten worse with him. I could deal with him, but my mom can't. She has mentioned divorse and leaving and everything. He doesn't respect us at all... i can't even look at him in the face.Do you know how hard that is.. i hate him soo much that i hate myself. Everyone that i have ever put my trust in has hurt me. I don't want to take that chance anymore. I just don't.
Yeah i could tell a teacher, but i can't. She has been worried about me for a while. She already expects that i am depressed. She has sent me to the principals office over it. I didn't say anything because i know it will only hurt me. I am trapped, trapped in this world that won't allow me to see good. Im trying soo hard to relize that its not my fault that i fell this way. I don't want to admit to the world that i have a problem because i can't even admit it to myself.YOu don't know how many times i have looked at sharp objects then down at my wrist. Sometimes i feel so dead inside i just need some proof to let me know other wise. I don't want to kill myself... i don't. But sometimes i think about it.. i know that i will never do it.. but i think reall hard. I don't want to run, but im not ready to let them know. Its been over a year and im still not ready. Im trying to fill one gap at a time, but another one just appears.
Writing here does help fill a void... I know that i have lived life a lot more in one year then others have their whole life. I know that i still have a lot og growing up to do, but i also know that i have a lot of living to do also. One of my biggest problems is i don't forget. I often live so far in the past i don't see the present. Im tring i really am.
Posted by LynneDa on March 30, 2004, at 16:57:19
In reply to Re: (((Geri))), posted by geri122 on March 30, 2004, at 16:37:37
Geri - Wow! You have done a lot of reaching out and have been turned down in many ways. I'm proud of you for hanging in there. I know the situation with your Dad is unbearable and I'm so sorry to hear that. Be glad you can get out of it in another year or so. It sounds like your Mom needs to make a choice if your Dad isn't going to change. You are not him, you will make different choices and will conduct your life in a totally different way.
I understand that you don't want to talk to the principal, since he knows your Dad. I understand that the issues are so sensitive and not everyone can keep them confidential. That makes it harder. I hate it that you feel you are stuck.
Question: What is it that your friends don't believe? The reasons why you started partying and/or that you won't do it anymore? Or just that much of your behavior stems from being depressed and you're just reaching out for anything that might make you feel better?
Another question: Do YOU feel like you're doing anything to ruin your life? That is the most important question.
You sound stronger, more sure of yourself. I think you're going to be okay in the long run. You are in a search, a struggle to find your way. Everyone has bumps and bruises, and big gashes even, while they're on the path to adulthood. Like Lyssa and I think fallsfall said - don't grow up too fast. Take it at your own pace. Do what you have to do to get by. Even when it seems like you're miserable and not gaining any ground . . . trust me . . . you are learning and growing and things you go thru now will make more sense later. That's the best I can tell you - a professional counselor would be so beneficial for you at this point! He or she could really help you work thru your issues and determine good, healthy responses to your various situations. I wish there was a way for you to have that.
You're going to do okay, I can feel it!! I wish you peace and love little one, you deserve it!!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Posted by geri122 on April 5, 2004, at 16:17:41
In reply to Re: Rod... Oooops... Didn't know!, posted by geri122 on March 28, 2004, at 19:54:49
I have tried to reach out that is my problem. I try to explain to them what is going on through my head but they don't seem to care. I thought i knew these people, i thought we were friends, but i guess i was wrong.
I only have one more year of this "hell" then i can get away from everything. I know that that won't make the problems go away, but it will help.
I just do't want this to affect my life anymore then it already has!
Posted by octopusprime on April 8, 2004, at 10:42:08
In reply to Re: Rod... Oooops... Didn't know!, posted by geri122 on April 5, 2004, at 16:17:41
geri -
reaching out is *never* the problem. you have to do what is best for you, and you carry too heavy a burden to shoulder all on your own.
that said, some people are not strong enough to help you carry your load. and it may not be that they don't care, it may be that they don't understand or they don't know how to show that they care or they don't know what to say or do.
it's hard, it's disappointing, and i have felt that disappointment when i have reached out to others and got the cold shoulder or a blank stare and nod in return. it hurts.
but keep trying. there *are* supportive people that want to help you. we want to help at babble. your teachers and health-care workers want to help. there are support groups that can help you. and your parents might want to help (though family is difficult, they don't always understand either, as you found with your sister)
you're on the right track by reaching out, even though it is hard you. please keep trying and moving forward. we're rooting for you.
Posted by geri122 on April 13, 2004, at 9:34:12
In reply to Re: Rod... Oooops... Didn't know! » geri122, posted by octopusprime on April 8, 2004, at 10:42:08
I have heard both the positive and negative sides to turning to someone for help. I know that all of you in some way know what i am dealing with, that is why it is so easy, also, im not face to face with you. I don't know how to say it. I place them into words and give them to someone, but that makes it easier for them to pretend nothing was said. I have seen it all. At the age of 16 i have seen and dealt with it all. Death, rage, hatred, distruction, depression, and yes i have even seen love. When you see life you don't always see it as you want. That is normal. But when you see your life as a thing you don't want to live you have a problem. i know that i have things that i need to face, but there are things i personally need to do before that. I have tried to deny all of this for so long a part of me still does not want to believe. I don't really understand what is going on through my head, i should before i expect others to. No one in life is perfect and i know that, but why do i find myself wishing to trade lives with so many others???
Posted by LynneDa on April 13, 2004, at 10:29:44
In reply to Re: Rod... Oooops... Didn't know!, posted by geri122 on April 13, 2004, at 9:34:12
Geri -
You sound so confused and sad, I wish I could give you a big hug and say something that would make it all make sense to you. Please remember one very important fact: everyone has their demons, some people are just better at hiding it than others. You may wish for another's life, but what you're really wishing for is just the face that the person puts on for the world to see!!!What you need to focus on is: how are we going to get Geri into the frame of mind she wants to be in? How are you going to accept the things in your life you can't change and change the things about yourself (mainly your perceptions and expectations, I think) that you can.
That is the question a counselor can help you with. I so wish you could just go and chat with your school counselor. He or she could give you some directions, some sense of boundaries and can let you know that many of the feelings you are having are shared by many teens your age! You don't have to get into the fact you hate your dad (by the way, most kids your age hate their parents, that is a normal part of human development . . . if kids didn't go through that, they'd never leave home!!!)or the specifics about your emotions. Just telling them that you're confused and in turmoil may help. I know it helped me to talk it out with a neutral professional who helped me to see the trees within the forest - not just the big picture forest that seemed so dark, hurtful & scary.
Can you share with us the things you feel you need to take care of before you can work on your issues? Maybe we can help.
If you're out of denial and recognizing that you have a problem, that is a big step. You definitely are on the next level of getting better sweetie and we're all here for you!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I have heard both the positive and negative sides to turning to someone for help. I know that all of you in some way know what i am dealing with, that is why it is so easy, also, im not face to face with you. I don't know how to say it. I place them into words and give them to someone, but that makes it easier for them to pretend nothing was said. I have seen it all. At the age of 16 i have seen and dealt with it all. Death, rage, hatred, distruction, depression, and yes i have even seen love. When you see life you don't always see it as you want. That is normal. But when you see your life as a thing you don't want to live you have a problem. i know that i have things that i need to face, but there are things i personally need to do before that. I have tried to deny all of this for so long a part of me still does not want to believe. I don't really understand what is going on through my head, i should before i expect others to. No one in life is perfect and i know that, but why do i find myself wishing to trade lives with so many others???
Posted by geri122 on April 13, 2004, at 17:45:40
In reply to Re: Rod... Oooops... Didn't know! » geri122, posted by LynneDa on April 13, 2004, at 10:29:44
The whole hating my dad, it's just you know you get to a point where hating some one hurts you more then you ever thought. I can't sleep.. im tired all the time but i can't sleep. It is soo hard to keep that smile on my sometimes. I mean how can i? I've lost some of my best friends because of this "problem". I need them because when i wanted to do something bad to myself all i had to do was think what would they do if the found out. I know that won't always work, i mean i have done some things that hurt myself.. but thats life. Now i can't think that because they aren't there. Its hard. i mean yeah you win some and you loose some, but not this way, not now.
You don't know how bad i want to turn to someone, but its not easy. My school and my life isn't what you think. My dad is a well known man, they all know him therefor know me. I turn to them they will go straight to my dad, legal contract or not. My dad can;t and won't know. NEVER! you guys don't know him. YOu don't how many times i wish he would hurt me, hit me, something physical because then i would have a real reason to hurt, a real reason to hate him. How sad is that. YOu guys are prob. going to say i have a real reason to hurt... to me i don't. I can deal with physical, but not emotional pain. THere have been times where it hurt so much i cut myself. I know that that is not a way to help but it gave me a real reason to cry. I sat there and said to myself that is what hurt, i can;t do that emotionally. I tried to drink it away. Make my problems drown away, but i didn't work, made things worse with my friends. but i can't say i won't do it again. THat is scary, I don't want to die. i don't.. but i already have. I have already died inside!
Posted by LynneDa on April 14, 2004, at 9:23:41
In reply to Re: Rod... Oooops... Didn't know!, posted by geri122 on April 13, 2004, at 17:45:40
Geri honey - I am so sorry for all your pain!! I understand about wishing your Dad would hurt you so you'd have a reason to cry. I felt that way about my ex-husband. He was very abusive emotionally, but how could I tell my friends I wanted to leave him when he wasn't beating me or anything physical, tangible. It was hard to explain to people. So, I do get that!
I also understand about your Dad being well-known. Information is power and people want to be able to supply information to someone in a power position like your Dad. They think there's something in it for them and you could become a pawn. But, you may get to the point where it will be worth the risk.
The cutting thing - I've heard a lot of people on this board do it to relieve pain & stress. I've never done it, but I know it is more common than I ever imagined. I think it's an addictive or obsessive behavior so please be careful.
Is there any way at all that you could get to a doctor in another town who could prescribe something for you? You are at that point Geri. You need something more than what this Board or your own ability to think things thru and handle things can offer you.
For the not sleeping, this sounds terrible to recommend to a minor, but have you tried taking one antihistamine (like Benadryl) or a tablespoon of cough medicine? They can make you sleepy. Sleep is so important in dealing with stress.
Sweetie, the great thing about life is that you get a lot of second chances. You say you feel like you've died inside. I don't doubt that. But, you can re-create your life and get over the pain of this time. Please just try to make it through this next year. Once you can distance yourself from your Dad, go to college and meet a huge variety of people, you may feel better and/or you can get the help you need. Are you planning on college?
{{{{hugs}}}}
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>The whole hating my dad, it's just you know you get to a point where hating some one hurts you more then you ever thought. I can't sleep.. im tired all the time but i can't sleep. It is soo hard to keep that smile on my sometimes. I mean how can i? I've lost some of my best friends because of this "problem". I need them because when i wanted to do something bad to myself all i had to do was think what would they do if the found out. I know that won't always work, i mean i have done some things that hurt myself.. but thats life. Now i can't think that because they aren't there. Its hard. i mean yeah you win some and you loose some, but not this way, not now.
> You don't know how bad i want to turn to someone, but its not easy. My school and my life isn't what you think. My dad is a well known man, they all know him therefor know me. I turn to them they will go straight to my dad, legal contract or not. My dad can;t and won't know. NEVER! you guys don't know him. YOu don't how many times i wish he would hurt me, hit me, something physical because then i would have a real reason to hurt, a real reason to hate him. How sad is that. YOu guys are prob. going to say i have a real reason to hurt... to me i don't. I can deal with physical, but not emotional pain. THere have been times where it hurt so much i cut myself. I know that that is not a way to help but it gave me a real reason to cry. I sat there and said to myself that is what hurt, i can;t do that emotionally. I tried to drink it away. Make my problems drown away, but i didn't work, made things worse with my friends. but i can't say i won't do it again. THat is scary, I don't want to die. i don't.. but i already have. I have already died inside!
Posted by geri122 on April 16, 2004, at 9:08:16
In reply to Re: Rod... Oooops... Didn't know! » geri122, posted by LynneDa on April 14, 2004, at 9:23:41
I thought i could trust my mom. Out of everyone in my family i thought i could trust her. The other day i went out to spend the night at my friendsm, just relax. Well come to find out that night she went through my stuff and read my journal. There are thoughts in there that no one knows, now she does. She broke the only trust in someone i had. I expected it from my dad but not from my mom. She knows everything.. and she still thinks i want to talk about it, Is this good. Hell no... my thoughts have been envaded. I will never be able to write anything down again. My head will become even more crazy. What do i do. You know last night i wanted to be mad at her but all i did was think about her feelings. What about mine. Do mine not count anymore. Aparently.
I do plan to go to college and get away. I want to go to Westminster, but now that i look at it, its not far enough away!
Posted by LynneDa on April 16, 2004, at 9:35:39
In reply to Re: Rod... Oooops... Didn't know!, posted by geri122 on April 16, 2004, at 9:08:16
Geri - Your feelings count the very most, you're her child and she's desperate for answers as to what is going on with you and what should she do to help you. I know you feel very violated. I know how my journal reads & I would be mortified if anyone else read it!!! It may take you some time to get over this betrayal and that's okay.
I'm sure she sees the change in you over the past year or so and is scared to death. It was wrong of her to do it. But, now that the gate is open, what's the next step for the 2 of you? She knows all so what's the point of pretending anymore. The ball is in your court.
I know you're mad at her and I would be in your position too. Maybe you need to tell her what you want her to do to help you. That is what I would want if I were her. This could just be the chance you need to start getting some help sweetie!
You need to keep writing. I know that's what kept me on track when I was younger. If you talk to her about your issues or write things specifically for her to read, she won't feel the need to sneak around behind your back.
Give her a chance. She may be smarter and more insightful than you think. And she loves you, more than anyone else on this planet. A Mom's love is the most powerful and amazing thing I've ever experienced. I would move heaven and earth to help my daughter get better if I knew what I could do. Believe in that, please!!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I thought i could trust my mom. Out of everyone in my family i thought i could trust her. The other day i went out to spend the night at my friendsm, just relax. Well come to find out that night she went through my stuff and read my journal. There are thoughts in there that no one knows, now she does. She broke the only trust in someone i had. I expected it from my dad but not from my mom. She knows everything.. and she still thinks i want to talk about it, Is this good. Hell no... my thoughts have been envaded. I will never be able to write anything down again. My head will become even more crazy. What do i do. You know last night i wanted to be mad at her but all i did was think about her feelings. What about mine. Do mine not count anymore. Aparently.
>
> I do plan to go to college and get away. I want to go to Westminster, but now that i look at it, its not far enough away!
Posted by geri122 on April 16, 2004, at 11:29:51
In reply to Re: Rod... Oooops... Didn't know! » geri122, posted by LynneDa on April 16, 2004, at 9:35:39
Im sorry, but right now i just can't do that. I don't care if she was worried or desperate. She broke the only trust in the world i had and she will have to pay for that. Im not going to just forgive and forget. Your right she is my mother and she loves me, but if she really loved me she would have respected me and my personal belongings. She didn't, why should i give her the respect and open up. If i wanted her to know i would have told her, i didn;t therefor i didn't want her to know. She is my mother and i don't want to hate her, but right now... all i want to do is cry.
Posted by LynneDa on April 16, 2004, at 11:42:05
In reply to Re: Rod... Oooops... Didn't know!, posted by geri122 on April 16, 2004, at 11:29:51
I understand. Crying is okay for now! I hope you can get over your pain and anger at her eventually. I also wish I could get a younger person to respond to you; they may have better perspective. I guess the Mom in me gets in the way of remembering how I felt when I was your age. Maybe you should think about why you don't want your Mom to know how you feel - why it wouldn't be an advantage to you in the long run.
Hang in there kiddo! I care what happens to you and will continue trying to think of a solution. Keep posting and we'll see if we can't get you through some of this, okay?
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Im sorry, but right now i just can't do that. I don't care if she was worried or desperate. She broke the only trust in the world i had and she will have to pay for that. Im not going to just forgive and forget. Your right she is my mother and she loves me, but if she really loved me she would have respected me and my personal belongings. She didn't, why should i give her the respect and open up. If i wanted her to know i would have told her, i didn;t therefor i didn't want her to know. She is my mother and i don't want to hate her, but right now... all i want to do is cry.
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