Posted by geri122 on March 30, 2004, at 16:37:37
In reply to (((Geri))), posted by sfmom on March 29, 2004, at 11:37:23
I have had several talks with a few of my friends... The one well she tried to blame the world on me, make it seem like it was all my fault. She told me that i was supposed to be the smart one for them to turn to when they wanted to make a mistake. They wanted to use me as a scapegoat... they don't know.. i tried to explain to them what was going on but she didn't want to hear it. "I'm making excuses for my life that i am ruining". She doesn;t want to listen, she wants to hurt me.
THe other friend, she has been the most understanding. but today when i talked to her she called me a liar and walked away. How can i tell these people when they don't want to hear it.
My sister, yeah well i could tell her but there are many reasons holding me back. She is naive, she won't know what to do, so she will go to my parents. I don't want that, or i would tell them myself. If she doesn't tell them she well say something to someone else. She has done that. My whole "self-medicating" situation, she went and told the whole school. That is what caused a lot of problems.
I don't want to make excuses that is not what im trying to do. They just don't understand.. i can't trust people for a reason.
How can i open up to others when i can't to my dad. I have talked about him before, but things have gotten worse with him. I could deal with him, but my mom can't. She has mentioned divorse and leaving and everything. He doesn't respect us at all... i can't even look at him in the face.Do you know how hard that is.. i hate him soo much that i hate myself. Everyone that i have ever put my trust in has hurt me. I don't want to take that chance anymore. I just don't.
Yeah i could tell a teacher, but i can't. She has been worried about me for a while. She already expects that i am depressed. She has sent me to the principals office over it. I didn't say anything because i know it will only hurt me. I am trapped, trapped in this world that won't allow me to see good. Im trying soo hard to relize that its not my fault that i fell this way. I don't want to admit to the world that i have a problem because i can't even admit it to myself.YOu don't know how many times i have looked at sharp objects then down at my wrist. Sometimes i feel so dead inside i just need some proof to let me know other wise. I don't want to kill myself... i don't. But sometimes i think about it.. i know that i will never do it.. but i think reall hard. I don't want to run, but im not ready to let them know. Its been over a year and im still not ready. Im trying to fill one gap at a time, but another one just appears.
Writing here does help fill a void... I know that i have lived life a lot more in one year then others have their whole life. I know that i still have a lot og growing up to do, but i also know that i have a lot of living to do also. One of my biggest problems is i don't forget. I often live so far in the past i don't see the present. Im tring i really am.
poster:geri122
thread:284151
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040324/msgs/330413.html