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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tinydancer on March 15, 2004, at 1:46:21
A big reason why I've been doing so poorly is because of the guy I'm married to. I can't get him to understand or even want to try to understand what I'm going through. I sat and talked to him and explained how I was feeling, and then an hour later he started yelling at me because the house wasn't clean. Every morning he starts out the same way-if I don't have every single thing he needs laying out and ready, he screams at me. This includes clothes, keys, phone, everything. This morning I finally asked him why he asks me where his things are. I don't ask him where my things are. He says "You move them". That's true, I'm in a terrible habit of MOVING people's keys around for entertainment.
The thing is, I want so much to feel better, but he doesn't understand this. According to him, I don't do enough. Well, first off, I'm currently on disability leave for psychological reasons. I'm not supposed to be doing a lot in the first place, although I am active 4 days a week in therapy programs. I have been struggling to do something as simple as take a shower, and him yelling at me for not getting something done makes me feel even worse and hopeless. His answer to what I need to do is to "Go for a walk every day". This is his answer to EVERYTHING if it involves being depressed. I believe in the power of physical exercise, and know that it can make you feel a lot better, but folks, going for a walk every day isn't going to change the fact I have a mental illness and that a lot of the symptoms that come with it aren't going to disappear with a walk every day. Plus, it is utterly non supportive and disrespectful of me and the work I do at therapy. Go for a walk-problems solved. I actually do walk a mile every day I go to my therapy programs, but he said its not enough! (That's 25 minutes!) I guess I just need to vent. I'm so angry at him and feel so trapped in this life. I feel like I'm treated like a nothing, so meaningless. Everything I say is dimissed with laughter. Everything I read, listen to,watch and say is made fun of. I'm just so tired of it.
Posted by inthegloaming on March 15, 2004, at 1:57:04
In reply to Problems with Hubby, posted by tinydancer on March 15, 2004, at 1:46:21
ugh. i'm so sorry! i know what it's like to feel trapped in your life, to BE trapped in your life.
what, may i ask, attracted you to him in the first place? this is not meant to be a snarky, rhetorical-type question; i'm genuinely curious. was he a different person then? were you?
some people, i guess, aren't equipped to 'handle' mental illness. we don't like to think of our minds as something that can get 'sick'; when you've got a virus, you go to a doctor. when you feel blue (to put it lightly), you ______.... for some, it's hard to make the mind-body parallel--i did too at first. i was very resistant to taking pills for what was later determined to be GAD. i said that i wanted to kick it myself, blah blah blah, that pills were a 'cop-out'. my stepmom sat me down and said that if i was a diabetic, would i refuse insulin on the same grounds? that got me thinking, made me realize a lot.
sounds like he doesn't get it, your husband. maybe he doesn't WANT to get it, thinks it will hurt him too much. it's hard to see those you love in pain and, as you well know, denial is not merely a river in egypt (excuse the cliche). but hey, i'm young yet (twenty in a months time) and haven't been married, so maybe i know nothing at all.
hope it gets better!
g.
Posted by fallsfall on March 15, 2004, at 7:47:10
In reply to Problems with Hubby, posted by tinydancer on March 15, 2004, at 1:46:21
Tiny,
It is hard enough to be depressed, but when you don't get understanding from the person who is supposed to love you the most - that is really hard.
It sounds like you are trying really hard to do things that will help your depression. Please know that even if he doesn't acknowledge your work to get better that your work is very important.
Has he ever read any books on depression? Would he be willing to learn more about it? My husband was not a reader, but there was a book that I desperately wanted him to hear and understand. So I sat him down on the couch and I read part of it to him. He did listen and we talked about it a bit, reading the book did help.
Has he ever been to a therapy appointment with you? Sometimes it is really hard to share your therapist (maybe you need a special appointment for the two of you). The goal of the appointment could be for you and your therapist to explain how you are feeling to your husband, and help him to understand how he can help you get better. But you probably will also need to hear how he feels about your illness - won't be pleasant, but it probably is really necessary for both viewpoints to be aired.
Can the two of you agree on a morning ritual? Is there a special place he can put his keys etc (where you will promise not to move them!!!) so that he can find his stuff without yelling at you? If you are moving his stuff, then he does have a valid reason to ask you where you put it. Would you be able to not move his things if they are put in the "right" place?
As someone who should be walking every day (and I even got two dogs so that I would have extra incentive to walk...) I found your walking discussion interesting. I agree that walking will NOT cure all of your depression. I also agree that walking is good for your body and for your mind. But the think that really struck me was that I would walk every day if I had someone to walk with. Somehow the dogs aren't doing it for me - I need to be accountable to a person who is standing at my front door wondering why I don't have any shoes on. So, my question is: Would your husband walk WITH you? This would have a bunch of benefits. You would get more exercise. He would get more exercise. You would be spending productive (hopefully pleasant) time together. But most importantly (for both you and for him), he would be actively doing something to help you. Then he wouldn't feel as powerless, and you would feel more supported.
Getting your spouse to understand what you are going through and how they can help (and also how they can stop making it more difficult) is really hard. My husband was TOO helpful. When my goal for the day was to do the dishes after dinner, but I needed a bathroom break between dinner and doing the dishes, I would come back to the kitchen and he would have already done the dishes. He was "helping me". But then I no longer could meet my goal! It took a long time to convince him that NOT helping was more helpful.
I hope that he is interested in finding out how he can be helpful to you.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 15, 2004, at 8:31:31
In reply to Problems with Hubby, posted by tinydancer on March 15, 2004, at 1:46:21
Tiny, how long have you been married? Were you a different person when you married? Did your psychological problems begin after marriage or before? I'm just trying to get a handle on some possible reasons for his reactions.
Posted by tinydancer on March 15, 2004, at 9:03:58
In reply to Re: Problems with Hubby, posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 15, 2004, at 8:31:31
> Tiny, how long have you been married? Were you a different person when you married? Did your psychological problems begin after marriage or before? I'm just trying to get a handle on some possible reasons for his reactions.
Hi, Miss H.I've been married for 2 years. We were both different people when we married, in some ways. He knew about my psychological problems before we got married, at that time my dx was BPD. He knew about my problems very early on in our dating because I felt it was important. I think the changes in me are due to the changes anyone might go through moving to a different country, becoming a wife and mothering a child. It is hard to be more specific but let me know if this answers you question?
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 15, 2004, at 9:32:04
In reply to Re: Problems with Hubby, posted by tinydancer on March 15, 2004, at 9:03:58
Wow, Tiny, those are A LOT of changes to all happen within the span of two years! I just wanted to know if your husband knew about your dx before he married you and he did.
Are the both of you living in a foreign country or is he from that country? What are your nationalities?
I ask this simply because at first when I started experiencing problems, there was a huge cultural divide between my husband and me. I am American and he is Jamaican. ANd let me tell you, Jamaicans do not go into therapy! BUt he has quickly come around now that he has seen how much it has been helping me.
But I'm wondering if this might be the case with the two of you? Does your husband support your therapy or does he think you're being self-indulgent?
Posted by tinydancer on March 15, 2004, at 10:48:45
In reply to Re: Problems with Hubby, posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 15, 2004, at 9:32:04
> Wow, Tiny, those are A LOT of changes to all happen within the span of two years!
Well, it didn't happen within the span of two years, I'm sorry if you misunderstood. We dated for a couple years before marrying. My child is from a previous relationship also. And I moved overseas a year before we married.
> Are the both of you living in a foreign country or is he from that country? What are your nationalities?
I'm American. To protect my identity because I've got some nasty stalkers, I can't say where I am from on the board here, but my husband is not American-he is from the country we live in now. It's in Northern Europe.
> But I'm wondering if this might be the case with the two of you? Does your husband support your therapy or does he think you're being self-indulgent?
He is very neutral. I don't think he really cares one way or another, or at least, hasn't really given any indication otherwise.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 15, 2004, at 11:53:19
In reply to Re: Problems with Hubby » Miss Honeychurch, posted by tinydancer on March 15, 2004, at 10:48:45
It must feel very isolating to you, to be living in a foreign country, away from family and friends, especially if your husband laughs at you.
Would it be possible at all for your husband to join you at one of your therapy sessions? would he be even open to that? If so, it might be valuable to have your T describe to him what is going on as far as defining your mental illness to him and that it is indeed an illness and not something you are using for attention or whatever else he may think.
Do you enjoy being married to this guy? Do you have good times together?
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 15, 2004, at 11:56:18
In reply to Re: Problems with Hubby » tinydancer, posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 15, 2004, at 11:53:19
tiny, are you indeed a dancer? If so, what do you dance?
Posted by pegasus on March 15, 2004, at 14:29:10
In reply to Problems with Hubby, posted by tinydancer on March 15, 2004, at 1:46:21
Ugh BIG TIME. I am so sorry that your husband doesn't understand depression and all of what you are going through. I think our society (and I'll include western Europe in that) tends to see mental illness as a matter of will. But it is not. So here are some reality checks for your husband (feel free to share them):
I have depression and I ride my bike to work every day, run, do Pilates (like yoga), swim, hike and mountain bike . . . when I'm feeling good. These things do not keep depression from coming around again. I've had times when my major accomplishment for the day was eating something. Going for more walks is not going to cure your depression. Did you see the earlier post from Phil about Terry Bradshaw (football player). That guy was *in shape* and he was a career athlete. And that did not make his depression go away. It is incredibly disrespectful to all of us who suffer from this to think that such a simple solution is going to solve the problem.
Another thing is that my husband used to resist things that would help me, like paying a lot for therapy, and taking meds. At one point my T called him in to have a talk. (Actually, he told me to tell my H that he would like to talk to him.) My husband went in without me (my choice), and my T changed my H's mind about the meds. Now he's incredibly supportive. I think having a professional explain to him that my problems were not a matter of will power, were not going to go away on their own, were not going to be solved with exercise, were not his fault, were not my fault, etc. made a big difference. Would your T be willing to do something like this with your H?
I agree with whoever said that maybe he's so disrespectful because he feels threatened by your illness. Maybe he doesn't know what to do, so he minimizes or ridicules it? Because maybe the alternative is feeling helpless. I liked the idea of asking him to help you walk more, or do other things that might be helpful.
I hope you are able to establish a truce that makes living with him not destructive to you and all of your efforts to overcome this. I'm really glad you posted here about it, though, because we'll always support you! It's tough to have loved ones working against you.
- p
Posted by tinydancer on March 15, 2004, at 15:11:53
In reply to Re: Problems with Hubby, posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 15, 2004, at 11:56:18
> tiny, are you indeed a dancer? If so, what do you dance?
None of the above. I stole the phrase from an Elton John song because it was meaningful to me, that's it!
Posted by LynneDa on March 15, 2004, at 19:11:58
In reply to Problems with Hubby, posted by tinydancer on March 15, 2004, at 1:46:21
Tiny - I certainly feel for you. My husband doesn't really get Depression. He thinks I should just "pull myself up by my bootstraps and get over it!" He's terribly depressed now himself because of his job situation and his ex-wife, but he says his depression will end when his job improves and his ex calms down.
You have had so much stress in a short time!! Moving to a foreign country, you mentioned stalkers, etc. Wow!
I really second the idea of getting your husband to talk to your therapist - without you being there to interject or direct the conversation would probably have more credibility. Would he do this?
He is under stress too, obviously, and his stress reactions are hurting you and are extremely counter-productive to getting what he wants: a healthy wife who will take care of his needs.
Maybe he doesn't know how to react, maybe he's never been taught how to deal sensitively with another person's emotional issues. It's a rare man who can, I'm sorry to say (not being cynical, just truthful!) - except for the men on this site of course :-).
Can you focus on him and his feelings and see if he opens up better? Saying you understand how stressful this is on him - to not have the wife and home he envisioned having? He is probably grieving/mourning the loss of his dream too, as you go through your recovery, but he doesn't recognize it. Lashing out at you doesn't make the problem go away, but at least he can feel like none of it is his fault. He needs to realize that it won't be like this forever!
Tiny - you need to act for yourself. I know he undermines you. If you can't get him to support you - or at least leave you alone - then you have to focus on yourself somehow. Block him out somehow. Enjoy the small victories you make each day - I know you have them. Keep a journal. Write to us. Write to him, for that matter. You are NOT the sum total of your husband's opinion of you, you're better than that. You are working hard, taking action and fighting off your illness - that takes courage and an enormous amount of energy! That is your job right now.
I truly hope the 2 of you find your way!!!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Posted by tinydancer on March 16, 2004, at 7:02:13
In reply to Re: Problems with Hubby » tinydancer, posted by LynneDa on March 15, 2004, at 19:11:58
What has been written here has been quite a learning experience. I love being able to see things in a new way. We had a long talk the other night and discussed things in depth: my diagnosis, me, him, our life. I felt really good afterwards. Marriage is not easy, I guess I'm going to just keep trucking here...
Thank you so much for allowing me to vent here, it HELPS so much.
Posted by Forest Gump on March 17, 2004, at 9:07:48
In reply to Re: Problems with Hubby » tinydancer, posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 15, 2004, at 11:53:19
SOunds like you need to get someone on the side to help you feel better
Posted by Forest Gump on March 17, 2004, at 9:09:08
In reply to Problems with Hubby, posted by tinydancer on March 15, 2004, at 1:46:21
Sounds like you need a boyfriend?
Posted by Jai Narayan on March 17, 2004, at 18:13:25
In reply to Re: Problems with Hubby, posted by Forest Gump on March 17, 2004, at 9:09:08
> Sounds like you need a boyfriend?
*Okay, are you flirting or ....what?
This is the end of the thread.
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