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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tinydancer on March 6, 2004, at 10:09:55
I am hurting bad bad bad right now. I just want to die, I feel like I'm trapped in this horrible life with no way to get out.
So what's going on. Well, I have had a very unstable marriage. There has been a lot of fighting, physical and verbal from both ends. (Meaning both myself and him were participants.)
We were in marriage counseling but that bombed since he wasn't willing to change and saw his only role as being the "healthy" one who was going to fix things, rather than owning any of the problems he has. Our story is way too long to write here, but today I came unglued. A whole week of watching the kid alone, every day, I should have known that I was risking my mental health.We got into an argument and he just lost his temper. He was screaming right in my face pointing his finger and challenging me. I commanded him to stop and reminded him that I was a woman, and his wife and it just wasn't right to speak to me in the way he was. But he wouldn't stop. I tried to get away but he wouldn't stop. I finally just lost it and started hitting him with my hands as hard as I could screaming that I hated him.
I'm so heartbroken and disappointed in myself. I want to be strong enough not to let him get to me, but this time I was too weak, and let myself get violent. I didn't leave black and blue marks, and I didn't do any serious damage but I don't believe in double standards-like it is worse when he hits me. I know what I did was wrong.
I feel so alone and that I have failed everyone and everything. I feel like I fell a million steps down, when everything seemed to be doing so well. It hurts so much to realize I did this. He didn't hit back, he has in the past but this time he didn't. I just feel horrible. I did apologize and we are trying to talk but I feel like I should just be locked up. Please can anyone write anything to me?
Posted by justyourlaugh on March 6, 2004, at 11:36:21
In reply to And then we all fall down, posted by tinydancer on March 6, 2004, at 10:09:55
dancer,
you are not alone ,
i understand every word you wrote.
i wish i could make it all better..
i wish i could come over and help you make mac and cheese for your kids..
try to understand that this was a bad one...and you will feel better...
be good to dancer today...
jyl
Posted by tinydancer on March 6, 2004, at 12:19:20
In reply to Re: And then we all fall down » tinydancer, posted by justyourlaugh on March 6, 2004, at 11:36:21
Oh I needed that...Thank you...Thank you for not judging me and just caring. It means a lot.
Posted by pegasus on March 6, 2004, at 16:11:04
In reply to And then we all fall down, posted by tinydancer on March 6, 2004, at 10:09:55
I'm so sorry to hear about your bad week and your fight. And especially how bad you're feeling about it now. I don't really know what to say, but I want to let you know that I'm thinking about you.
Those screaming fights are too common to me from my childhood, and I know how rotten one can feel afterwards. I've also resorted to hitting, when extremely provoked (which it sounds like you were also). I know that even when you *know* it isn't what you want to do in the big picture, sometimes it's too hard to keep that in mind. Especially when you have someone yelling in your face. Oh, I just wish I could come over and have a chat, and give you a hug.
((((tinydancer))))
- p
Posted by fayeroe on March 6, 2004, at 17:14:58
In reply to Re: And then we all fall down » tinydancer, posted by pegasus on March 6, 2004, at 16:11:04
Please don't be so hard on yourself. It is very hard to be with small children day in and day out and then try to do everything else that women have to do in the home. I wish I could come over and make you a big pan of huge hot rolls with tons of butter and honey! xoxoxo
Posted by gardenergirl on March 10, 2004, at 0:28:05
In reply to Re: And then we all fall down, posted by fayeroe on March 6, 2004, at 17:14:58
Posted by tinydancer on March 10, 2004, at 2:24:04
In reply to (((tinydancer))) hope its better this week! (nm), posted by gardenergirl on March 10, 2004, at 0:28:05
I'm trying, gg...I'm doing better in some respects though. Thanks!
Posted by Karen_kay on March 10, 2004, at 7:57:37
In reply to And then we all fall down, posted by tinydancer on March 6, 2004, at 10:09:55
It's very hard to handle an angry lover. Just ask my old man. Sometimes it helps me, when my old man becomes angry, to walk away and try to read a book or do cross words. Anything to just "Get away." Frequently I would lock myself in the bedroom, until he removed the lock while I was in there.
Try, if this happens again (and I hope it never does) to just go to a different room. If he follows with his fingers and words flying, try going for a walk. It's very hard to keep your cool when provoked. I've somehow learned to, but jsut by leaving the situation until we are both calm enough to talk aobut things, or avoid the issues. If this still doesn't work, what about seeing a divorce lawyer? If nothing else, he'd have a justifiable reason to be angry... Sorry if I'm not being helpful, but maybe you really should know that you deserve better than that, and I'll say it. I hope you realize it. Try the distraction and escape thing and let me know if it works for you, k?
Posted by katia on March 13, 2004, at 16:53:58
In reply to And then we all fall down, posted by tinydancer on March 6, 2004, at 10:09:55
God how that sounds so familiar. I do think it's also a gender thing. Men always seem to try and "fix it" and it's a great escape for them to "fix" their wife/girlfriend because then the focus is on her and he doesn't have to own up to his part and do his own work on himself. It's very frustrating and disempowering to say the least. Just remember, you're the strong one by admitting your stuff and problems. He's the weak one by letting you carry it all.
just my *charged* two cents.
Katia
p.s. I really like Karen's advice about walking away. Toooo many horrendously violent fights have taken place in my past relationships because of the timing of our communication. It's not going to get any better by hanging around and engaging when tempers are flared. Even though it's hard to turn when you're just as MAD!
This is the end of the thread.
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