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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ~~tabitha~~ on August 28, 2002, at 6:13:43
Life doesn't stop throwing losses at us, and losses must be grieved, or things get screwed up. All my stuff lately about being unattractive and thinking only young people are attractive is just a big diversion from the grief of losing youth. 40 approaches quickly. I can't avoid it. More grief that must be processed, else I'll become a pitiful cliched age-avoiding denying joke like the midlife crisis case I dated in my 20s.
I get it now. I get the whole stereotypical male midlife thing of hooking up with a 25 yr old woman. (And whatever the female equivalent would be--plastic surgery binge?) It's all the awful loss of physical youth! Tragic. Must be grieved is all. I'm tired of grieving losses.
As I was complaining about my appearance, my therapist asked me if my vision had started to go yet. You know how you need bifocals in your 40s. She pointed out it makes looking in the mirror easier, you can't see the details anymore. She was not joking.
Posted by Ted on August 28, 2002, at 10:45:19
In reply to I hate grief, but the alternative is worse, posted by ~~tabitha~~ on August 28, 2002, at 6:13:43
Tabbi,
> I get it now. I get the whole stereotypical male midlife thing of hooking up with a 25 yr old woman. (And whatever the female equivalent would be--plastic surgery binge?)
An old friend once explained the ultimate solution: Everyone gets married twice. When men are young, they get older wives, and when they are old, they get young wives. That way, all older adults have younger mates. ;-)
>I'm tired of grieving losses.
I don't know how to grieve. One long-time friend died this year and I didn't feel anything. I have several friends in their mid-80s and 90s. They won't last much longer.
>You know how you need bifocals in your 40s.
I got my first bifocals at age 29. No joke. Today, I use 3 sets of eyeglasses: driving, computer, and mixed-use bifocals. And I am only a few weeks shy of 41.
Ted
Posted by ~~tabitha~~ on August 28, 2002, at 14:23:31
In reply to Re: I hate grief, but the alternative is worse, posted by Ted on August 28, 2002, at 10:45:19
I never knew how to grieve either, until my mom died. It was either learn to grieve, or end up like her (suicide). Now it seems there's always something to grieve. I think not being able to grieve was the big thing feeding my self-destructive behavior.
So Ted is 40 huh? I feel less alone. I thought everyone in Silicon Valley was 20-ish or barely 30-ish, like where I work.
Posted by Dinah on August 28, 2002, at 14:27:08
In reply to Re: I hate grief, but the alternative is worse » Ted, posted by ~~tabitha~~ on August 28, 2002, at 14:23:31
>
> So Ted is 40 huh? I feel less alone. I thought everyone in Silicon Valley was 20-ish or barely 30-ish, like where I work.Ah, so now I see your problem. Where I work I'm the spring chicken at 40. It's a small office and most people are 50 or over.
Posted by Ted on August 28, 2002, at 15:03:16
In reply to Re: I hate grief, but the alternative is worse » Ted, posted by ~~tabitha~~ on August 28, 2002, at 14:23:31
Tabitha,
> It was either learn to grieve, or end up like her (suicide).
Just how does one learn the art of grief? My inability in this area contributed tremendously toward my depression.
>I think not being able to grieve was the big thing feeding my self-destructive behavior.
We all have our own ways to compensate, huh? Mine was focused internally for *way too long*.
> So Ted is 40 huh? I feel less alone.
YIKES! Don't tell anyone!
>I thought everyone in Silicon Valley was 20-ish or barely 30-ish, like where I work.
They're the ones who get all the press. Most of the real work is done by those between 35 - 50 years old. If the young population can't prove their worth, they have to leave quickly because it is just too costly to live here. If they indeed prove their worth, they will be multi-millionaires well before age 30 and they can do whatever they want.
Ted
Posted by Ted on August 28, 2002, at 15:08:15
In reply to Re: I hate grief, but the alternative is worse, posted by Dinah on August 28, 2002, at 14:27:08
Dinah,
> Ah, so now I see your problem. Where I work I'm the spring chicken at 40. It's a small office and most people are 50 or over.
This explains your flirting urges perfectly. It *is* just like you're a teenager!
It's OK -- flirt to your heart's content. :-)
Ted
Posted by Dinah on August 28, 2002, at 15:20:36
In reply to Spring chickens need to flirt » Dinah, posted by Ted on August 28, 2002, at 15:08:15
Posted by ~~tabitha~~ on August 29, 2002, at 1:41:54
In reply to Re: I hate grief, but the alternative is worse » ~~tabitha~~, posted by Ted on August 28, 2002, at 15:03:16
As far as learning to grieve, I think it was 2 things, one was just having my therapist focus on getting me connected to my feelings. Not sure what she did exactly, but I remember her telling me that was a goal, and I know I changed.
The other, probably bigger, was that I had to stop doing the characteristic things that I did to avoid feeling. The main ones were drinking and having romantic chaos and obsession dominate my life. Once I stopped those things, with support from my therapist and 12 step groups, the feelings had nowhere to hide.
Now I recognize new types of avoidance loops because I feel driven and obsessed when I'm doing them. I've learned to just hold off and try to make a little effort to feel what's underneath the urges. The difficult thing is the early part, where grief feels huge and undefined. Often I don't even know what it's about. It's like letting a massive wave crash over you. It's difficult to let it happen at all, but eventually letting it happen allows it to pass.
This is the end of the thread.
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