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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JonW on August 11, 2002, at 23:46:30
I never thought I'd want it this much. Really want to die. In the past, I've planned my suicide so many times that I used to wonder if it didn't already happen. That was a dangerous time because it was so hard to tell where my fantasy ended and reality began. I'd "done it" so many times that I wasn't sure anything could stop me. After all, I was an expert... But now, it's different and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. It's become such a rational solution to an irrational illness. I'm about to go to sleep and I really hope I don't wake up. If I had plans I'd be very scared for me right now. I don't have the guts to take a chance with pills or the energy to drag myself in front of a train. I'm just going to go to sleep and hope for the best, or the worst, depending on your perspective. Maybe I should just stop all of my meds... Nardil's gone, love the withdrawal! Thanks a million! Geodon, gone! Tapering Neurontin... Hey, what do we have left? Ah yes, Depakote! Look how well that one's working! What, I don't give off a "stable" vibe?
Jon
p.s. Why does it hurt so much to just be me?
Posted by alii on August 11, 2002, at 23:50:37
In reply to I just want to die..., posted by JonW on August 11, 2002, at 23:46:30
Posted by Fi on August 12, 2002, at 11:36:17
In reply to I just want to die..., posted by JonW on August 11, 2002, at 23:46:30
Sounds grim. Depression is an incredibly painful condition- I've heard of people who have had cancer and also had depression say the cancer &its treatment wasnt as hard...
So it does hurt just existing when its bad.
I do hope you get thru to a less painful place soon- lots of people with depression do, however hopeless it feels when its bad.
I dont know enough about meds to know if there's anything else, but I do hope you have a decent pdoc.
Take care.
Fi
Posted by lili80 on August 12, 2002, at 19:38:14
In reply to I just want to die..., posted by JonW on August 11, 2002, at 23:46:30
its like now i know its right. dying i mean. like its so the answer that why am i still here. i know it. i live it. its like i look at idiots who think suicide will make everyone sad and attempt for others. i attempt for myself, that is the scary thing. i do it for me, for my own death. no delusions about afterlife being better. just want it all to end , to stop, to be over. suicide really is about just wanting everything to stop. i think we are at the same place. i am at the edge of the cliff. i researched how to fall. i know what works and what doesn't. i dont really want to die, but i have the i have to attitude. i dont really want it to go away, cause i still want to leap off the cliff. i am not hanging on I have already jumped, i am in the air still, i can still reach out, but i dont really want to. silence is what scares me, i dont really reach out anymore, i am at the point where a suicide note makes no difference, my death is about me, i picture myself just saying my peace, and then letting myself fall off that cliff. ok i shoulda post this on my own strand , i think i will, i dont oppose suicide. but it should be one person's decision, and no one elses, dont do it for someone else, i am at the place where death is the answer. I dont look down at the ground past that cliff, i look up ; i look up cause its the only thing that makes me cry with happiness in my mind.
Posted by JonW on August 13, 2002, at 4:56:17
In reply to i am there too, posted by lili80 on August 12, 2002, at 19:38:14
Posted by JonW on August 13, 2002, at 5:13:09
In reply to i am there too, posted by lili80 on August 12, 2002, at 19:38:14
>over. suicide really is about just wanting everything to stop. i think we are at the same place. i am at the edge of the cliff. i
It's comforting to know I'm understood at least at some level... it doesn't end the suffering, but gives me a little more strength. Thanks for giving me strength. Depression is such a silent killer with wars that go unnoticed by most. If I could, I'd give you an award the world would know forever...
Jon
Posted by lili80 on August 13, 2002, at 14:08:42
In reply to Re: i am there too » lili80, posted by JonW on August 13, 2002, at 5:13:09
an award? I feel so special! hehe
This is the end of the thread.
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