Posted by JonW on August 11, 2002, at 23:46:30
I never thought I'd want it this much. Really want to die. In the past, I've planned my suicide so many times that I used to wonder if it didn't already happen. That was a dangerous time because it was so hard to tell where my fantasy ended and reality began. I'd "done it" so many times that I wasn't sure anything could stop me. After all, I was an expert... But now, it's different and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. It's become such a rational solution to an irrational illness. I'm about to go to sleep and I really hope I don't wake up. If I had plans I'd be very scared for me right now. I don't have the guts to take a chance with pills or the energy to drag myself in front of a train. I'm just going to go to sleep and hope for the best, or the worst, depending on your perspective. Maybe I should just stop all of my meds... Nardil's gone, love the withdrawal! Thanks a million! Geodon, gone! Tapering Neurontin... Hey, what do we have left? Ah yes, Depakote! Look how well that one's working! What, I don't give off a "stable" vibe?
Jon
p.s. Why does it hurt so much to just be me?
poster:JonW
thread:28459
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020804/msgs/28459.html