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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 25 to 49 of 49. Go back in thread:
Posted by beardedlady on March 27, 2002, at 6:11:12
In reply to Re: Sorry, still sad. « Zo, posted by Dr. Bob on March 26, 2002, at 18:45:37
Dinah:
I didn't think your post was "stinging" at all, nor did I feel you were pushing me away--as much as a person could push on an anonymous bulletin board! See, it goes both ways. If I am allowed to make a statement that you disagree with, then you are allowed to do the same. And neither of us is allowed to get our knickers in a bunch! If your post was judgmental, that stuff doesn't bother me a bit. If mine was, oh well. I am not Jesus (or Christian). I am judged; I judge. But I do adhere to the Golden Rule. And since I don't mind a little debate, I debate.
But there's the difference between us. I am full of self-confidence and esteem. It's not because I am stuck up or beautiful or exceptionally smart or wildly talented (though I am--hahahaha); it's that my parents instilled those things in me all my life. "They fuck you up/your mom and dad." Or they don't.
I guess I should have responded to this post sooner, but I didn't know just how sensitive you were.
Really, this is just a bulletin board of (mostly) well-meaning strangers. It's not exactly real life. These are not folks who are going to see you at the grocery store and day, "Ooh--there's Dinah. She's that sensitive chick from PSB!" Posts should not send you into a tizzy and make you cry! And if they do, I guess Zo is right, and you should take a break.
But our advice differs here: Don't even read the stuff--any of it. Because you'll be curious and want to read on in your threads, and not much will be there to stop you, and the cycle will continue.
And stop apologizing! You don't owe it to anyone except yourself.
I wish you luck and a good shot of ego.
beardy : )>
> > "You too beardy? I feel so sad for both of you. Where on earth do you meet people?"
> >
> > Dinah, sweetie, I felt and still feel this was rather a stinging post; it reads a bit condescending or judgemental.
> >
> > I know if someone said those two things to me, unless they were already a good friend, I'd feel pushed away by them. My guess is that you don't mean to, not at all. . .but often the tone of your posts, when I first "met" you, seemed to telegraph, Don't get close to me!
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 6:15:55
In reply to Civility for Dinah » Dinah, posted by IsoM on March 27, 2002, at 0:44:55
>
> I don't want to sound harsh, but perhaps it may be better not to post for a while until you feel stable. If you'd like to read posts (or even comment), best to stick to just those people you know are innocuous. Please take care.You are exactly right IsoM. I shouldn't post and I know it. Someone who cries for hours and is crying more now and will probably cry all day over another person's post doesn't belong here and never will. I wonder what I have to do to get banned. Perhaps if I admitted to being ever poster ever banned. Or figure out how to get illegal drugs so that I can pass out the information. Or post a few really nasty obscenity filled posts. Oh I don't think I can do that....
But I shouldn't post. I shouldn't read. I'm just not fit for society. Not this one. And I haven't found any others I'm fit for either.
Going to take more Klonopin.
If you don't hear from me, you'll know I took your wise advice. If you do then you know I lacked the ego strength to take your wise advice. I'm not going to be any danger to myself so no one needs to worry. This response to me is too familiar to do any really serious damage.
That's why I figure it's right. I just wish it had been different here.
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 6:19:04
In reply to Re: No, seriously. » Dinah, posted by Zo on March 27, 2002, at 3:34:44
> I've known that spiral of shame all too well. I hope you reap some good meaning from this one. . .my sense is that you already have, that you always do.
>
> I know that getting the meds balanced has been the key, for me. . .Nowadays, the spiral never even starts. It's amazing. I encourage you to persevere!
>
> ZoDon't worry. I found the meaning you intended.
Posted by beardedlady on March 27, 2002, at 6:21:02
In reply to Re: Thank you for your concern. » Zo, posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 6:19:04
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 6:27:29
In reply to For Dinah, posted by beardedlady on March 27, 2002, at 6:11:12
>
> Really, this is just a bulletin board of (mostly) well-meaning strangers. It's not exactly real life. These are not folks who are going to see you at the grocery store and day, "Ooh--there's Dinah. She's that sensitive chick from PSB!" Posts should not send you into a tizzy and make you cry! And if they do, I guess Zo is right, and you should take a break.
>
> But our advice differs here: Don't even read the stuff--any of it. Because you'll be curious and want to read on in your threads, and not much will be there to stop you, and the cycle will continue.
>
Sorry beardy, should be clear. Your post didn't put me in a tizzy. Zo's did. And you're right. You were right before and IsoM is right. I have no business posting here. I have no business reading here. Sensitive people just don't belong here. You're right about that.Perhaps you and Zo and IsoM and, well everyone else could just post a daily reminder to me that I shouldn't be here. That I'm too sensitive to interact with others. Eventually it may get through my thick skull. Seems I long for the companionship of others too much to do the best thing for myself. But with your kind help, I should be eventually able to see the light. In fact I'll start with the next post. You all can each continue the thread. No message posts will be fine.
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 6:28:17
In reply to Re: For Dinah » beardedlady, posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 6:27:29
Posted by beardedlady on March 27, 2002, at 6:39:07
In reply to Re: For Dinah » beardedlady, posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 6:27:29
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 7:00:17
In reply to For Dinah, posted by beardedlady on March 27, 2002, at 6:11:12
I'm sorry. Apparently I misread these statements to be a suggestion that I not post on the board, at least for a while. And that I not read this board either. How could I be so mistaken
"I don't want to sound harsh, but perhaps it may be better not to post for a while until you feel stable."
"Posts should not send you into a tizzy and make you cry! And if they do, I guess Zo is right, and you should take a break.
>
> But our advice differs here: Don't even read the stuff--any of it. Because you'll be curious and want to read on in your threads, and not much will be there to stop you, and the cycle will continue."> I wish you luck and a good shot of ego.
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 8:05:28
In reply to Re: Sorry if I misunderstood.So sensitive you know » beardedlady, posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 7:00:17
I stand here like a cornered rat, trying to hold on to the sense of community I felt here for so many months. A sense that I could contribute and support others and a sense that I could find support here. A sense of community that I have found difficult to find elsewhere because of my being odd and different. A sense of community that I tried to extend to my real life. It's so important to me that I continue to post when I know I probably shouldn't. I continue to read when I know I shouldn't. And I am baffled, confused, and upset at how things changed.
But perhaps the fact that this community is so important to me is the problem. Or perhaps the problem is that no community is ready for me. Bearded Lady was right when she said:
"I worry, too, that this board might hurt some people. I have noticed a few folks here who really need help (!), and I don't think this forum is healthy for them--either because they are too sensitive or because they seem to be missing life. But that's their business, not mine. It's just an observation."
What life am I missing by being here? I haven't a wide circle of friends. I have my family and I continue to have them with or without this board. But there must be a driving desire to be part of a community even for an introvert like me. And I thought this was a level of community that I could tolerate.
So I continue to fight for my right to be here. Even if it's not in my best interests. REally pathetic isn't it.
So continue to post suggestions that I not post or read the board. Over time, my sense of community will be eroded and I will find myself able to leave here.
But in the meantime, as the cornered rat, being threatened with the loss of something important to me, I will continue to fight.
I let the girls in sixth grade run me off in tears without telling them how much they were hurting me. I may end up running off in tears, but this time I am going to express my pain.
Posted by beardedlady on March 27, 2002, at 8:11:53
In reply to For Dinah, posted by beardedlady on March 27, 2002, at 6:11:12
So it all boiled down to the last couple of sentences. If you read the first few, you'll see that I was telling you I found nothing wrong with your post, that how Zo felt about it was not how I felt about it, since you were replying to me, after all.
Best wishes to you, for you. I mean that sincerely.
beardy : )>
> I didn't think your post was "stinging" at all, nor did I feel you were pushing me away--as much as a person could push on an anonymous bulletin board! See, it goes both ways. If I am allowed to make a statement that you disagree with, then you are allowed to do the same. And neither of us is allowed to get our knickers in a bunch! If your post was judgmental, that stuff doesn't bother me a bit. If mine was, oh well. I am not Jesus (or Christian). I am judged; I judge. But I do adhere to the Golden Rule. And since I don't mind a little debate, I debate.
>
> But there's the difference between us. I am full of self-confidence and esteem. It's not because I am stuck up or beautiful or exceptionally smart or wildly talented (though I am--hahahaha); it's that my parents instilled those things in me all my life. "They fuck you up/your mom and dad." Or they don't.
>
> I guess I should have responded to this post sooner, but I didn't know just how sensitive you were.
>
> Really, this is just a bulletin board of (mostly) well-meaning strangers. It's not exactly real life. These are not folks who are going to see you at the grocery store and say, "Ooh--there's Dinah. She's that sensitive chick from PSB!"
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 8:18:48
In reply to For Dinah--the parts you left out!, posted by beardedlady on March 27, 2002, at 8:11:53
I wrote:
"Sorry beardy, should be clear. Your post didn't put me in a tizzy. Zo's did."
I did realize that it was Zo who wrote what she did, not you. Thought I made that clear. Perhaps the above statement wasn't clear enough.
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 9:17:05
In reply to Didn't leave that out. » beardedlady, posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 8:18:48
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 14:06:25
In reply to I'm staying AND posting until Dr. Bob kicks me off (nm), posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 9:17:05
I suppose it would be wise to admit that I am prone to understatement. So when I say I am not completely well yet, or I'm not feeling well, what I really mean is I'm close to total and complete loss of control.
So I'm close to complete loss of control right now, and I'm really not feeling well. Sorry for the mini breakdown. You should see a major one.
Posted by Alii on March 27, 2002, at 15:41:14
In reply to An apology of sorts. To all., posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 14:06:25
Dinah,
I have posted but a handful of times over the years I've lurked here and due to where I'm at with my disease I contribute little to this board. However I feel compelled to toss a couple of words at ya.
>>....I'm really not feeling well. Sorry for the mini breakdown....<<
Why the apology?! I've broken down many times over the years, both major and minor meltdowns. It is because I have a disease. Do I willingly accept or like that this disease causes me to have a lack of control over my moods and emotions? Heck no! Yet it is my reality (grumble, grumble, bitch, moan!). I feel shame, embarrassment, despair, you name it each time I breakdown/meltdown. And I won't go into the whole how I persevere spiel now since I am but the voice of a stranger but I would like to say:
I don't know your total history (again due to the severity of my depression I have little ability to read archives at length so I apologize if I am completely off base) but I do know that you contribute to this community. Thank you for doing so.
May I offer one more opinion? Do you have a therapist and/or pdoc right now? If so printing out this thread with the time/date info could help chronicle where you're at and how they could help. Just another idea lobbed out there.
Take care.
--Alii
Posted by Krazy Kat on March 27, 2002, at 15:59:52
In reply to An apology of sorts. To all., posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 14:06:25
i feel so very... sad. please do keep posting so those of us who care so much will know what is happening.
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 18:08:14
In reply to For a kind, gentle, sensitive Dinah, posted by Alii on March 27, 2002, at 15:41:14
Your post brought tears to my eyes for a good reason this time. It was very kind of you to post.
I did call my therapist this morning and schedule an extra session Friday over this. I'll certainly tell him all about it and all the old memories and feelings it brought about. Whether or not I'll have the courage to show him my posts or not, I don't know.
Thanks again,
Dinah
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 18:24:23
In reply to dear dinah, posted by Krazy Kat on March 27, 2002, at 15:59:52
I'm sorry. I meant my last post to allay concerns but I guess it didn't do the job.
I spent most of the day sleeping due to a combination of excess emotion and the maximum dose of Klonopin I have been given permission to take.
I can only say that this is a case of what Noa so wisely referred to as a flaming amyglada (sp?). I was instantly transported back to middle school and felt all the pain, rage, and alienation I felt then. Except that it seemed enormously important to me to not cry silently this time but to cry aloud. Darned if I know why.
My emotions have been very close to the surface for what seems like forever, and I have never fully recovered from my last, larger meltdown. My therapist actually thinks that might be a good thing (the emotions not the meltdown). Sadist.
Anyway... I'm explaining all this because I feel guilty and embarassed for documenting my little meltdown this time (although as I said it seemed important to do at the time) and I really don't want anyone to be concerned. I didn't closet sit and I didn't cut (although I obtained therapist's promise not to terminate me if I did). I just sedated myself and went to bed.
I'm not feeling that crawling agitation now, so perhaps I'll be able to get some work done tonight.
I really am sorry for worrying you.
You know the funny part. Even though I stubbornly refuse to stop posting unless Dr. Bob bans me, I've probably scared or disgusted the majority of people off of answering me. Ironic isn't it?
(I told my therapist I was borderline. He didn't believe me.)
Posted by Krazy Kat on March 27, 2002, at 18:59:23
In reply to Re: Hi Krazy Kat, posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 18:24:23
apologize all the time. a woman i worked with pointed this out and asked me to stop. not so easy, is it?
i don't know why, dinah, but i feel a synergy with you, even though we have many differences.
i would, of course, like you to keep to posting. to be honest, my last reply was kind of a generic concern thing, not personal enough probably.
it seems you are facing this head on. is that good? i don't know. but i will continue to look for your posts.
sometimes knocking yourself out so you can sleep, Is the best thing to do.
love,
kk
Posted by CtrlAlt n Del on March 27, 2002, at 20:42:12
In reply to Re: Hi Krazy Kat, posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 18:24:23
I've probably scared or disgusted the majority of people off of answering me. Ironic isn't it?
You ain't scared me :)
Appologies for not following the threads..me wrapped up in the effects of my new pill . Nothing wrong with sensitivity you are caring n sweet , remain so.dreamerx
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 20:55:35
In reply to Re: Hi Dinah, posted by CtrlAlt n Del on March 27, 2002, at 20:42:12
Thank you dreamer. It's reassuring to know that I can still find community here even after making a spectacle of myeelf. :)
I hope your new meds are helping you. I haven't been following the threads too well myself.
Take care of yourself.
Posted by IsoM on March 27, 2002, at 23:40:41
In reply to Re: Hi Dinah » CtrlAlt n Del, posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 20:55:35
Dinah, perhaps posting here is a way of purging all the past hurt & memories? If it brings on a flood of tears, even if you have to take Klonopin afterwards, maybe it's healing? Crying is never healing for me - I ALWAYS feel so much worse afterwards which is probably why I rarely cry now. But many have told me they feel much better afterwards - more grounded & their perspective seems brighter.
If that's the case with you, continue posting. As I've mentioned before, even though our ages aren't much different, I feel a somewhat protective (maternal?) feeling towards you. I never fail not to read your posts & would miss them if you no longer posted.
Only in concern for your well-being, did I suggest you not post or read posts from people that might hurt you.
NOTICE:
Mini or major breakdown documentation allowed for all on this board by order of the "Association of Idiosyncratic Fellow Posters". ;-)
Posted by Dinah on March 28, 2002, at 0:32:16
In reply to Hope You Do Stick Around » Dinah, posted by IsoM on March 27, 2002, at 23:40:41
Thanks IsoM,
I knew from your unfailing kindness towards not only me but everyone that you couldn't have meant anything unkind by your post. There are people whose history just leads you to give them the benefit of the doubt and you are definitely one of them.
No, all this doesn't really make me feel better and you are probably right that I should take a break from posting. Or another break. Or a longer break, or something. But I'm feeling a bit stubborn about it now. All those middle school feelings again. I should try to work on that. Middle school almost did me in.
At any rate a day's sleep has me at least off the edge. Although it did nothing for my work record.
I'll try to be careful. And use more ego strength in deciding what to respond to. Once I figure out for sure what that means.
(That documentation thing was weird wasn't it. Even for me. I wonder what I had in mind.)
Posted by Zo on March 28, 2002, at 6:27:27
In reply to Re: Thank you for your concern. » Zo, posted by Dinah on March 27, 2002, at 6:19:04
> > I've known that spiral of shame all too well. I hope you reap some good meaning from this one. . .my sense is that you already have, that you always do.
> > Zo
> Don't worry. I found the meaning you intended.This is the meaning I intended, Dinah:
What I wish for everyone, what I wished for you, as you started to go down, was that you reap some meaning from the spiral. . .the single fruitful way I know of going through triggered suffering, through any suffering.
Zo
Posted by Dinah on March 28, 2002, at 7:37:15
In reply to Re: Making Our Suffering Mean » Dinah, posted by Zo on March 28, 2002, at 6:27:27
Posted by Krazy Kat on March 28, 2002, at 8:17:17
In reply to Re: Hi Dinah, posted by CtrlAlt n Del on March 27, 2002, at 20:42:12
thanks, dreamer, you put it well. i feel like we've been condescending towards dinah and her sensitivity. we need sensitive people to help us readjust our blunt perceptions. she is wonderful the way she is.
- kk
This is the end of the thread.
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