Shown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by PrincessDi on May 10, 2010, at 23:53:37
Today was T's Birthday and I took a gift like I have done for the past 3 years. However, when I arrived at his office he saw the gift and reached under his desk and gave me the Christmas gift I had given him. He then told me to be honest he wouldn't have any use for the gift I gave him (a book). To say the least I found this to be bizzare behavior! I had written in the front of the book to him and there was a card in the book that had not been opened. He then proceeded to open the birthday gift and ask me what it meant to me...it was a small pottery bowl (yes, not to personal). He then said it was my bowl and he would find a place in his office for my bowl. I could understand if this was the first gift and he was setting an example but that wasn't the case. I'm a bit numb but wondering what you all think. I haven't posted here in several years so thanks for your input!
Posted by emmanuel98 on May 11, 2010, at 0:32:14
In reply to T rejected gift!, posted by PrincessDi on May 10, 2010, at 23:53:37
Wow! How upsetting. My T has always accepted my christmas gifts and other gifts graciously. To give you back your christmas gift -- a book, which he could easily have read or put on shelf-- seems strange,, almost hostile. Yet he accepted your bowl. How strange. Is he a good therapist, otherwise? Can you two talk about this?
Posted by PrincessDi on May 11, 2010, at 0:43:55
In reply to Re: T rejected gift!, posted by emmanuel98 on May 11, 2010, at 0:32:14
I'm sure we will talk about it but I would like to think it through before Thur. T accepted the bowl and said it was mine and he would find a place for it in "His office". I feel like he has changed the rules in the last few months but won't tell me what they are. My husband helped me pick the bowl out and we know that T likes pottery so we thought it was a nice thank-you. I'm trying to not take this all personal but I don't know what to think.
Posted by Dinah on May 11, 2010, at 9:24:13
In reply to T rejected gift!, posted by PrincessDi on May 10, 2010, at 23:53:37
Is he frequently insensitive?
Because no matter what he intended, his intervention was insensitive. Moreover, he apparently had it planned for some time since the gift was sitting there under the desk.
Saying he would find a place for *your* bowl in *his* office sounds on the face of it to be hostile.
It's hard to imagine someone that insensitive in this situation not being insensitive in other situations.
He needs to learn to use his words better. In other words, if he doesn't wish to receive gifts but allowed them in the past and now sees that it has become a standard thing, he needs to address the gifts in terms of the issue of giving gifts in general. His feelings about that, that he doesn't wish to receive gifts, how your gift giving might be understood to be a given in social situations but that he doesn't see it as appropriate in therapy situations. Or even explore if you have motivations other than to give traditional and socially acceptable tokens of your appreciation for him and caring for him.
Instead of making it about the idea of gift giving, he made it about the gifts themselves. He has no use for the book. He'll make room in his space for your belonging. It's hard for me to believe that that is appropriate in any setting at all.
It might be worthwhile to see if he's got any other hidden ways of seeing your relationship that you don't share.
Although frankly, unless he apologized for his rudeness and claimed temporary insanity, or explained that he didn't at all mean what I thought I heard, or he had important therapeutic reasons (at least in his own mind) he'd have to have some pretty darn good compensating strengths for me to muster the energy to work on the therapeutic alliance.
Does he have compensating strengths?
(P.S., if you used to post here under another name, even years ago, you'd probably better announce that on the Administration Board. It's something Dr. Bob requests when reregistering under a different name. No need to give the previous name unless you wish to. Just that you used to post under another name. No further explanation needed.)
Posted by PrincessDi on May 11, 2010, at 11:19:53
In reply to Re: T rejected gift! » PrincessDi, posted by Dinah on May 11, 2010, at 9:24:13
> Is he frequently insensitive?
> HE DOES HAVE TIMES THAT HE IS VERY INSENSITIVE...I HAVE BEEN AWARE OF THAT BUT I USUALLY THINK ITS SOMETHING I'VE DONE.
> Because no matter what he intended, his intervention was insensitive. Moreover, he apparently had it planned for some time since the gift was sitting there under the desk.
> HE STATED HE DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS A GIFT...AS I STATED I HAD WRITTEN IN THE FRONT OF THE BOOK...COULD IT BE THAT HE DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT THE BOOK?
> Saying he would find a place for *your* bowl in *his* office sounds on the face of it to be hostile. I'M WONDERING WHY HE CAN'T ACCEPT A TOKEN THANK YOU.
>
> It's hard to imagine someone that insensitive in this situation not being insensitive in other situations.
>
> He needs to learn to use his words better. In other words, if he doesn't wish to receive gifts but allowed them in the past and now sees that it has become a standard thing, he needs to address the gifts in terms of the issue of giving gifts in general. His feelings about that, that he doesn't wish to receive gifts, how your gift giving might be understood to be a given in social situations but that he doesn't see it as appropriate in therapy situations. Or even explore if you have motivations other than to give traditional and socially acceptable tokens of your appreciation for him and caring for him.
> I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IF THERE WAS A PROBLEM HE WOULD HAVE INFORMED ME...THIS WAS A TOTAL SHOCK. HE HAS OTHER THINGS IN HIS OFFICE FROM OTHER CLIENTS (I HAVE ASKED ABOUT A FEW OF THEM) SO I KNEW FROM THE START THAT HE WAS OPEN TO GIFTS...I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN RESPECTFUL OF PERSONAL BOUNDRIES.
> Instead of making it about the idea of gift giving, he made it about the gifts themselves. He has no use for the book. He'll make room in his space for your belonging. It's hard for me to believe that that is appropriate in any setting at all.
>
> It might be worthwhile to see if he's got any other hidden ways of seeing your relationship that you don't share.
> I'M NOT SURE OF WHAT YOU MEAN BY THIS STATEMENT...CAN YOU EXPOUND PLEASE.
> Although frankly, unless he apologized for his rudeness and claimed temporary insanity, or explained that he didn't at all mean what I thought I heard, or he had important therapeutic reasons (at least in his own mind) he'd have to have some pretty darn good compensating strengths for me to muster the energy to work on the therapeutic alliance.
>
> Does he have compensating strengths? HE HAS BEEN KIND AND CONSISTANT...HOWEVER, IN THE LAST FEW MONTHS IT HAS BEEN TENSE AND WHEN I ASK HIM ABOUT IT HE STATES NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I AM BAFFLED TO SAY THE LEAST!!!
>
> (P.S., if you used to post here under another name, even years ago, you'd probably better announce that on the Administration Board. It's something Dr. Bob requests when reregistering under a different name. No need to give the previous name unless you wish to. Just that you used to post under another name. No further explanation needed.)
Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 11, 2010, at 13:02:33
In reply to T rejected gift!, posted by PrincessDi on May 10, 2010, at 23:53:37
I am so sorry. That is just strange! I've been giving gifts to my t for 7 years.
The biggest gift was (he had always wanted a motocycle ride/harley Davidson, Electra-Glide) and was supposed to have a ride as a child, and his father wouldn't let him go.
I called a Harley-Davidson dealership, and 2 guys came to his office, and I took him outside, handed him a windbreaker, and they gave him the helmet and off he went.
I don't think I can top that one!
Posted by PrincessDi on May 11, 2010, at 13:10:35
In reply to Re: T rejected gift! » PrincessDi, posted by sassyfrancesca on May 11, 2010, at 13:02:33
> I am so sorry. That is just strange! I've been giving gifts to my t for 7 years.
>
> The biggest gift was (he had always wanted a motocycle ride/harley Davidson, Electra-Glide) and was supposed to have a ride as a child, and his father wouldn't let him go.
>
> I called a Harley-Davidson dealership, and 2 guys came to his office, and I took him outside, handed him a windbreaker, and they gave him the helmet and off he went.
>
> I don't think I can top that one!HOW AWESOME :)! PERHAPS A HOT AIR BALOON RIDE. I'M SURE MY T WOULD HAVE TALK ABOUT BEING TO PERSONAL. I DON'T GET ALL THIS AS I HAVE BEEN WITH HIM FOR 3 YRS. AND HE WAS VERY TENDER AND KIND AT FIRST...I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING IS GOING ON BUT HAVE NO IDEA...WHEN I TELL HIM THAT HE ALWAYS SAYS THINGS ARE THE SAME. THIS MAKES ME SAD BUT ALSO ANGRY TO BE SPENDING MONEY TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS!
Posted by rnny on May 11, 2010, at 15:45:46
In reply to T rejected gift!, posted by PrincessDi on May 10, 2010, at 23:53:37
He was rude, self centered, inconsiderate and meanspirited. There is no excuse for his behavior, there is nothing in the psychiatric literature that says this is how a T should act..so don't think it was some therapeutic technique. A T doesn't have to accept gifts and can refuse them, but the issue here is the way he went about this. It was his personality shining through and I would level the playing field by asking for the bowl back next time you see him, telling him to go (blank) himself and walking out after you say it. From there return to therapy and continue to talk about the issues you have been working on before this tasteless interuption took place. You have to "show" this misfit how you feel with body language. Don't even bother trying to talk to him about it! You can't educate those who should know better. I am sorry this happened. Awful!
Posted by Dinah on May 11, 2010, at 22:48:05
In reply to Re: T rejected gift!, posted by PrincessDi on May 11, 2010, at 11:19:53
I just meant that you two were apparently on different wavelengths about gifts, and I would probably wonder if there were any other areas where we were on different wavelengths without my knowing it. That could be me though. I have a tendency to generalize.
So this isn't totally uncharacteristic behavior? I hate it when they say nothing has changed or nothing is wrong even when it obviously is. Maybe something is going on with him personally that he either doesn't think is affecting him in therapy or that he believes shouldn't be shared with clients.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 12, 2010, at 8:53:51
In reply to Re: T rejected gift!, posted by PrincessDi on May 11, 2010, at 13:10:35
It is obvious....that something is going on and he isn't being honest. Our perceptions are usually right on. I agree...paying money for a service you are not getting.....
It is probably something in his personal life...at least he should tell you WHAT is going on....or, I mean he could say there are some personal things he is dealing with and sorry he hasn't been more "there" for you.
hugs
Posted by PrincessDi on May 12, 2010, at 20:42:20
In reply to T rejected gift!, posted by PrincessDi on May 10, 2010, at 23:53:37
I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow's meeting but only because I want to make sure I don't end up owning this problem. I have been with the T for 3 yrs and the last 6 mo. I have felt at times like he pulls me closer to trusting him and wants me to open up and then pushes me away because it's just to intense. I will go work on this tomorrow but in the long run I am ready to give up. I do have PTSD and work with flashbacks and terror filled dreams. It's hard for me to put things into words so I'm sure I'm not an easy case. However, I never call or contact him in any way in between sessions so I know I don't lean on him to much. This is just to hard to work out and I don't think it's my issue to work on for a change!
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.