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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Phillipa on July 25, 2008, at 12:32:40
Help don't have a therapist and don't know where to turn. I have a phone phobia I know it's stupid but it is so. My Daughter from Florida just called and her husband is missing his boss just called. She's on the way to their house to see if any signs of him but they are both successful doesn't matter he's alchoholic been missing three days. His brother died of alchoholism this year and he's from Germany his Mother deserted him died of alchohism and now she doesn't even know if he's alive as he has a great job never has this happened. She has to report him missing to the police. I can't take anymore. I need to know how to put this in perspective can anyone help please???? Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on July 25, 2008, at 14:08:36
In reply to Help!!!!, posted by Phillipa on July 25, 2008, at 12:32:40
I wish I could help. That's a scary situation.
If it helps any, in my experience with a similar situation, the person did show up. My mother had managed to track his credit card purchases. I'm not sure how. But if your daughter's husband shares credit cards with her, she can probably contact the credit card companies to find out when and if the the cards were used. If they don't share cards, she probably can't get that information. I'm not sure how my mother managed it.
Through those cards we got a pretty good picture that it was probably him using them (because the charges were of the normal sort, not the sort that someone stealing a card would use), and that he was running away in a particular direction. He eventually did get in touch, and everything was sorted out.
In a few unfortunately similar situations, I discovered a few things.
No matter what you tell yourself, it's still a scary situation. But it can be scarier if you dwell on worst case scenarios. Thinking of the not worst case can help. There are usually noncatastrophic possibilities.
It helps to feel like you're doing something. It doesn't even have to be something useful. Just doing something gives one the feeling that control has not totally slipped away.
I'm not sure if there's any concrete help you can give your daughter, but maybe you could think of some emotional help you can give? Or some symbolic help? Even something really out there, like knitting a blanket for him to use when he gets home, can be oddly helpful.
Can you make a list of noncatastrophic reasons he might have disappeared?
Can you think of ways that you can *do* something? Whether or not those things are sensible? As long as they aren't harmful, they don't need to be sensible.
Posted by Dinah on July 25, 2008, at 14:11:05
In reply to Help!!!!, posted by Phillipa on July 25, 2008, at 12:32:40
Oh yes. Another thing I've learned is that it's easy to slip into panic if you look too far down the road. Shorten your vision to the immediate future. Think in terms of the next few days, and what needs to be done with his disappearance.
If you start long term worrying, you'll just end up sending yourself into a panic that may turn out to be unneccessary.
I do hope that he turns out soon. I'll say a few prayers for wisdom and sense on his part, or enlightenment on the part of those looking for him.
Posted by Phillipa on July 25, 2008, at 14:16:52
In reply to Re: Help!!!!, posted by Dinah on July 25, 2008, at 14:11:05
Thanks Dinah she filed a missing person's report and is back at the Bank working her attitude is pretty much he is where he is. She's very strong. I seem to be the one that does the family worrying. So out to exchange something for ebay. Thanks for responding it means a lot and you always have good or great ideas. On knitting for him I think my Daughter wouldn't like that as she had already packed his clothes and wants a divorce. She's offered in the past to pay for rehab he refuses to go. I know the person must want to. Thanks Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on July 25, 2008, at 14:46:42
In reply to Re: Help!!!! » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on July 25, 2008, at 14:16:52
I think it's a good idea to focus on eBay.
Maybe it's a good chance to start giving up the role of worrying for others? If she's not worried, then maybe you can take your cue from her?
Posted by lucie lu on July 25, 2008, at 15:56:01
In reply to Help!!!!, posted by Phillipa on July 25, 2008, at 12:32:40
Phillipa,
Dinah's posts are more sensible than anything I could come up with, but I wonder... has he ever ended up somewhere while he was drunk and was then too embarrassed or ashamed to come straight back home? I remember that happening once to my father, who "disappeared" because he fell asleep in a bar car on a train and didn't wake up until he was very far away. Families of alcoholics all have stories like that to tell.
Anyway, I hope all turns out OK. I also hope that you continue to look after of your own wellbeing even while worrying about others. Your daughter does sound strong - must have gotten it from her mom :)
Lucie
Posted by Phillipa on July 25, 2008, at 20:16:52
In reply to Re: Help!!!!, posted by lucie lu on July 25, 2008, at 15:56:01
Oh I used to be very strong. My feeling is he just left as she was threatening divorce and she can be a B*itch. His parents live on the other side of Florida I'm thinking he might have gone there. Also used to work a lot in Tampa before being overseas so much could have friends there???? Thanks for your time and concern Phillipa
Posted by LadyBug on July 26, 2008, at 0:08:55
In reply to Help!!!!, posted by Phillipa on July 25, 2008, at 12:32:40
Phillipa
I know how it feels as my husband would take off too. He drank, and did drugs. I could never understand how he could be so selfish and so inconsiderate of me and my kids. They are sick and don't care. It is a huge fear. I know when he took off it meant trouble.
One thing you have to remember is he's the one that is doing damage to himself. Yes, it hurts the family members a lot as well.
This is the exact reason I started to see my T 11 years ago. Because my husband started to not come home from work and the anxiety tipped me over. I finally got up the courage to leave him 11 months ago.
Your son in law will turn up. In the mean time, try to focus on you and your daughter and think of all that you have.
Let us know what you find out. I feel your pain.
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by Phillipa on July 26, 2008, at 0:21:22
In reply to Re: Help!!!! » Phillipa, posted by LadyBug on July 26, 2008, at 0:08:55
Lady bug thanks she's in Florida me in NC so it's tough to know what's really going on. I have a feeling he's staying with someone. I will keep you posted. Thanks again for responding. Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on July 26, 2008, at 12:07:41
In reply to Re: Help!!!! » LadyBug, posted by Phillipa on July 26, 2008, at 0:21:22
For those on the thread he called from a hotel this morning said suicidal. Police came and handcuffed him and he's on his way to rehab. Was there the whole time. My Son-in-law is lucky as my Daughter is paying for private rehab. Good thing someone has money. Not me. Hope he makes it. Thanks all for your support you will never know how much I need it and my mind is in a tizzie as I can't calm down and no meds for me. Thanks I love you all Love Phillipa
Posted by raisinb on July 26, 2008, at 12:10:27
In reply to Re:Found Suicidal, posted by Phillipa on July 26, 2008, at 12:07:41
Oh Philippa, that is really scary. I hope you feel better soon. How is your daughter? At least he is now getting the help he needs.
No meds at all? This certainly sounds like a Xanax moment to me.
Posted by Phillipa on July 26, 2008, at 20:56:34
In reply to Re:Found Suicidal, posted by Phillipa on July 26, 2008, at 12:07:41
Hi sweetie no no meds too much to do and places to go today. Lateste update is he's in a horrible place a psych hospital and will be there til transferred somewhere else. Been on the cell with Daughter as we traveled she doesn't know the foggiest about mental hospitals tried to explain about the 72 hours, asked if he signed voluntarily and if he had to see a judge after that time as don't know the laws in Florida. Shoot she has great insurance as does he so I told her to find the best place there is. She was so cruel in my opinion as she said he deserved to see how the lower lives lived. Guess this place is for anyone without insurance. She's mean. Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on July 26, 2008, at 21:27:05
In reply to Re:Found Suicidal » Phillipa, posted by Phillipa on July 26, 2008, at 20:56:34
Actually I take that last post back she's not mean she just doesn't understand alchoholism and how hard it must of been for a man now you would have to know him and how sweet he is. And sometimes people they deserve better treatment that's all of us rich or poor doesn't matter as it's an illness. And The illness strikes all people in all walks of life if they are predisposed to the disease. As if I were there and in the same place that is where I would be as have no good insurance. I will try and explain more to her about mental illness. I feel she's scared as her Dad was an Alchoholic and she remembers our fights. Now he's been dry for many years. I will wait and let them explain that it is a whole family illness in that I'm sure they will suggest Alanon to her. Then They can work as a team. Hopefully this will happen. Time will tell. Thanks for all the support we'll see what happens tomorrow. Love Phillipa
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