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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by stellabystarlight on July 24, 2008, at 0:00:00
Do you feel love for your Therapist? If so, are you in love or do you feel it's a transference. Do you talk about it with your T?
I sometimes feel like I'm completely in love with him, but then at times think it's transference, or both. I keep thinking that it just can't be possible to really be in love someone you see once a week on a very limited basis. However, he's even admitted to connecting deeply in many different ways.
Do any of you feel this way? Still trying to figure it out. Thanks.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on July 24, 2008, at 7:55:19
In reply to Are you in love/transference with your T?, posted by stellabystarlight on July 24, 2008, at 0:00:00
I've been in love with my t for five years. It isn't "transference"----that is just a fancy word used in the therapy world.....we experience transference/countertransference in ALL relationships.
We have talked about my/our feelings for each other many, many times. It is very painful.
I could write a book on what has gone on between us...he has sexualized our relationship (no, not sex), but innuendo and touching.
He makes it VERRY confusing.
A few of his comments: 'IF I were not married, I would probably go for it....You are in my heart and in my head; if I were to give you the green light, would you go for it (He has given me so many green lights, I should be blind).......leading me on; come-ons.....
I would have felt the same about him, if I had met him anywhere else; we are so much alike, it is scary....how do I know this? Self-disclosure; we are having a persona; (forbidden, LOL) relationship.
I know I should leave him; it isn't healthy, but he is the only man in my life.
After 31 years of an abusive marriage; now divorced and alone.
I love him...I hate him for leading me on; if he had never revealed his feelings for me (they should have been worked on invisibly by him), I would have simply lived with my feelings, knowing they were MY feelings.
Sassy
Posted by stellabystarlight on July 24, 2008, at 10:02:33
In reply to Re: Are you in love/transference with your T?, posted by sassyfrancesca on July 24, 2008, at 7:55:19
May I ask how old you and your T are? Reading your posts has me thinking he is very selfish and has a lot of problems of his own. Has he helped you in anyway?
Have you told him how painful and confusing this is for you? I'm trying to get my T to actively work on analyzing my feelings for him to help me out of "transference".
If you can't leave him, maybe you can see another t help you with it. That's what I'm doing now...not perfectly...but trying to anyway.
I'm sorry you've been in this situation for so long.
Posted by raisinb on July 24, 2008, at 11:22:14
In reply to Are you in love/transference with your T?, posted by stellabystarlight on July 24, 2008, at 0:00:00
Yes, I am, to varying degrees over the years.
I have thought about real love vs transference. My therapist and I have intense moments of connection, which lead to euphoric infatuation/love feelings, (I'm sometimes turned on after sessions--I don't notice it in there, but then I leave...whew!). These feelings are based more on my unfulfilled needs than her as a person. Because often we'll have moments when I see her ordinary humanness, and the euphoria seems incongruous.
Then I also feel a more realistic connection--homey, affectionate--mixed with frustration, disappointment, and humor. This too could be called love, but it's a different kind. Happier, less tortured.
Since she's my therapist, our relationship is more transference-based than are those in real life. But every relationship is a mixture of the two. You can't sort it out.
Mostly I don't need to know. When I think back on this experience I'll probably feel fondness, awe, and still a bit of mystery, which is how I'd feel about any profound relationship that came upon me unexpectedly.
Also I guess I realized that the "real" vs. "transference" question was me trying to decide which feelings I was allowed to have, which were valid. Accepting myself means I have to stop trying to decide that. All of it is part of me, and I'd do well to respect beauty and complexity.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on July 24, 2008, at 13:27:13
In reply to Re: Are you in love/transference with your T? » sassyfrancesca, posted by stellabystarlight on July 24, 2008, at 10:02:33
> May I ask how old you and your T are? I am 61; he is 55......People guess my age at 17-20 years younger (little ego there, LOL)
Reading your posts has me thinking he is very selfish and has a lot of problems of his own. Oh, yes; he has told me personal stuff... Has he helped you in anyway?
Yes, for what I went to him for originally; the church debacle; he was amazing; went with me to the meetings and was my champion/Knight in Shining........(www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com); when it was over (I had gotten a divorce after 31 years of abuse); I stayed with him, then fell in love with him.
>
> Have you told him how painful and confusing this is for you? No...and I know I should; I just don't want to do that right now. I know it is so unhealthy. He said once, "I don't like to play with fire." People are what they DO, not what they say; he HAS been playing with fire for years.inh I'm trying to get my T to actively work on analyzing my feelings for him to help me out of "transference".
>
> If you can't leave him, maybe you can see another t help you with it. I have spoken with an attorney who is ALSO on the State Board of Ethics, etc........and I would feel like betraying him (which I realize is NOT rationale). I feel overwhelmed by so much in my life.That's what I'm doing now...not perfectly...but trying to anyway. I am proud of you!
>
> I'm sorry you've been in this situation for so long.Thank you for your kindness.
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by lucie lu on July 24, 2008, at 19:38:11
In reply to Are you in love/transference with your T?, posted by stellabystarlight on July 24, 2008, at 0:00:00
Yes, it's hard not to love someone who is so attuned to you and so committed to your welfare. There is another layer, maybe the transference one, that sees him/her as the embodiment of the love or support that you'd like to receive from anolther person. We can learn a lot from paying attention to that aspect of the relationship. It can be hard to separate the two, but it's a useful task in therapy.
Posted by no_rose_garden on July 24, 2008, at 22:10:53
In reply to Are you in love/transference with your T?, posted by stellabystarlight on July 24, 2008, at 0:00:00
I've never felt the way I feel about mine toward anybody else...so I guess it can't be transference...
Posted by FindingMyDesire on July 27, 2008, at 20:36:41
In reply to Are you in love/transference with your T?, posted by stellabystarlight on July 24, 2008, at 0:00:00
raisinb - I just have to say that this is beautiful. I totally aspire to feeling this about myself someday: (I don't know how to quote a poster who is not the original)
"Also I guess I realized that the "real" vs. "transference" question was me trying to decide which feelings I was allowed to have, which were valid. Accepting myself means I have to stop trying to decide that. All of it is part of me, and I'd do well to respect beauty and complexity."
Thanks so much for sharing that!
This is the end of the thread.
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