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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bailey777 on March 2, 2007, at 17:18:15
I know this topic has been covered a million times, but I need to ask this question to the babblers out there (I’ve been just a lurker for the most part).
How does transference help you?
I just don’t get it.
For example, I’ve had transference for a long time now, and I’m wondering IF you address this issue with your therapist – HOW does it help or heal you?
This is the scenario that I think of if I address transference w/therapist. (Mine seems to be love/more on the erotic side – I guess, who knows at this point):
Me: I have feelings for you and they seems to be love/sexual
T: That’s called transference perfectly normal
awkward silence
Me: Ok, next topic…How does it make me “stop” having these feelings if I address AND how does it help me?
Any light shed on this topic would be appreciated, thanks
Posted by canadagirl on March 2, 2007, at 21:14:55
In reply to Once again, a transference question, posted by bailey777 on March 2, 2007, at 17:18:15
As for your "transference", yes that's quite common. Truly, I think we're all
looking for someone who will accept us just as we are - no criticisms, no put-downs (even slight), and when we meet someone who seems to understand and accept us inside out - well look out! Down come those walls we build up to protect ourselves. Here it is, what we've desired all our lives, and we're down for the count. And actually, it's supposed to be a healthy part of the process. It's lowering boundaries and letting someone inside our mental/emotional processes but in a safe, ethical way (hopefully anyway). Enjoy the experience because it lets you know that it is possible to feel that accepted and safe with another human being. As to how to "stop" those feelings -that's tricky. I don't have any answers for that, for me it just wore off, eventually. But I thought it was helpful to talk about it (even if I did feel like I was probably client number 4,987 with the same issue).
Posted by Daisym on March 2, 2007, at 23:45:51
In reply to Once again, a transference question, posted by bailey777 on March 2, 2007, at 17:18:15
Usually transference is the term used to refer to feelings that orginated or "belong" to another person but are being put on someone or something else. In a sense they are "old" feelings.
What you are describe sound like genuine feelings for your therapist, even if there are some transferencial elements. It *is* possible to hold both here-and-now feelings as well as old feelings simultaneously.
Talking about your feelings can be helpful in a couple of ways. First, bringing everything you feel into the open can lessen the intensity and anxiety around it. Together you can explore why you feel what you feel and what you might fantasize would happen. Fantasies can provide a lot of information about what is happening in your unconscious. And talking about why it is hard to talk about can illuminate things as well.
For me, besides being hugely embarrassed, I was afraid my therapist would be angry that I was so presumptuous as to develop these feelings. And I was sure he would be horrified at the thought of someone like me caring for him. And yes, I figure I was patient #9999 to say, "I think I love you." The truth was he was sweet and gentle and told me he was honored. That therapy love didn't always happen and way less people than you think ever share these feelings with their therapist. And the fact that I was afraid he'd be mad told us lots about how I valued myself and what I had to bring to any relationship.
I don't know much about your therapist. But my guess is that she won't just dismiss your feelings as "oh that's just transference." Depending on her orientation, she might not want to explore them in depth, but I believe you'll find it beneficial to talk about them.
Good luck with this.
Posted by widget on March 3, 2007, at 5:05:55
In reply to Re: Once again, a transference question, posted by Daisym on March 2, 2007, at 23:45:51
Dear bailey, I am in the middle of an intense erotice transference toward my therapist. Everything you are feeling and all of the posters responses ring so true for me. And, I understand the desire to get rid of the feelings or to lessen them. It is an overwhelming experience. As this is ongoing for me, the only thing that can help is to talk about it with your therapist. As my therapist says, it must be analyzed. But, it's a process and will take time and insight will come in bits and pieces when it comes. And, sometimes, that insight can be painful, as it has been for me, as I realize what I am seeking in therpist that I didn't received from my father (this is just my case, of course; your's is uniquely your's). Lately, in each new session, the understandsing has been deeper (and more difficult). Tell your therapist exactly what you said here. You want to understand what this transference is and need help to do so. That's what I finally had to say as in "I cannot do this alone, please help me." I even asked if I needed another therapist to help me deal with the transference issues and was assured I did not. I had tried to put the issue out of my mind until I felt I "broke down" and asked for help. And, therapy has been MUCH better since I did this. I have only intensified in my feelings for my therapist but I definitely have understanding of what is behind this.
Talk, talk, talk, ask questions, talk to your therapist. Yes, many of us have transference but each transference is unique and helps the therapist to view how you handle your emotional life that could be difficult to see otherwise. Hope this helps. Keep us posted! widget
Posted by Dinah on March 4, 2007, at 13:27:45
In reply to Once again, a transference question, posted by bailey777 on March 2, 2007, at 17:18:15
I'm not sure just calling it transference and letting it drop would be all that helpful, although it's likely more comfortable for the therapist. :)
At first my feelings for my therapist were way too big to allow much objective viewing of them. But over time, I've grown to see how my reaction to him is an exaggeration of a pattern I often fall into. I have a tendency to take an authority or fatherlike figure that is by circumstance effectively unattainable and try to be special to them. I often succeed to a certain point, but the circumstances preclude any meaningful connection yet give me enough encouragement to keep trying.
I guess how that helped me was to allow me to see what I'm doing. I can choose to do it or not, but seeing what I'm doing allows me to have a bit of distance and to avoid being as caught up in it.
I don't know if your attachment to your therapist falls into an overall pattern for you or not. And I have long grown to believe that the therapeutic situation itself mimics mating rituals and maternal bonding situations and call forth strong feelings. I've also grown to wonder if this is not really such a good thing in at least a lot of situations.
This is the end of the thread.
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