Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 657367

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Re: I would » Poet

Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2006, at 17:17:07

In reply to Re: I would » Dinah, posted by Poet on June 16, 2006, at 16:39:17

I'll make sure to slap him a few times, Poet. At least verbally. I'll try to keep your posts in mind.

Sigh.

Sometimes I do wish we could all go to someone's session - this time mine.

 

Re: I would » Dinah

Posted by fallsfall on June 16, 2006, at 17:36:26

In reply to Re: I would ? Poet, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2006, at 17:17:07

Does your cell phone have a speakerphone option?

 

Re: I would » Tamar

Posted by frida on June 16, 2006, at 17:52:54

In reply to Re: I would » Dinah, posted by Tamar on June 16, 2006, at 14:28:17

Dear Dinah,
I had tears reading your post and the others'.
He's certainly hurting you a lot :-(
when he should be the one to offer safety, stability, support...He is your therapist! He has a commitment to you...he has a responsibility to you...I think things really have to change because you truly can't and shouldn't take anymore pain, from the person who should be giving you relief, peace and comfort. :-(
I can feel your pain. I'd be devastated and so hurt too..

love and support,
Frida

> > I think I'll keep the appointment Sunday just to find out when he had an inkling that this would be happening. If it was before 6/5, then I'll know he deliberately misled my husband and I in order to influence us to stay in town. Because I *would* have decided to leave if he hadn't dangled the prospect of things getting back to stable and normal in therapy. And while he was neutral in front of my husband, he was not in general neutral with me.
>
> Oh good grief. So he encouraged you to think that things were returning to normal while he was in the process of lining up this other job? I’m getting in line to give him one of those cyber slaps.
>
> > That should be an unforgiveable breach of trust.
> >
> > But likely it won't be. Most likely I'll stay with him, and you all will be as frustrated and angry with me as people are with wives who stay in abusive situations.
>
> I won’t be frustrated and angry if you stay with him. I’ll be concerned for you, however. I think it *is* an abuse of your love for him, and he needs to acknowledge that it is extremely serious. At the very least, he ought to promise you that he will do some intensive therapy himself, or go to supervision, or something like that. I think he needs to acknowledge that he must not keep hurting you and he needs to take responsibility for sorting things out in his own head. It shouldn’t be your problem, and yet it has been your problem over and over again.
>
> > I hope at least I have the courage to pass on the second session a week. The more I remember how it was the less I want to even try it. He never knew on Sunday if he could see me that week, so he'd tell me he'd call. And he'd forget to call. And I'd assume that was because he couldn't see me. But sometimes it was just because he forgot to call. And of course probably he forgot because he just didn't want to see clients after a stressful day at work. And I understand that. But sitting by my phone week after week wondering if he could see me hurt far worse than just knowing I wouldn't see him.
>
> I can completely understand that. It would be worse for me too. If he isn’t in a position to make plans three or four evenings ahead, then he can’t expect you to be in a position to drop everything to see him, or to hang around hoping he’ll phone. It wouldn’t be fair in any relationship, and it’s especially unfair in a professional relationship.
>
> > I can't believe he didn't tell me. He knows how hard this last eight months has been for me. He knows how he has hurt me over and over and over again. I told him I *wanted* to move if therapy was going to continue to be this way. That I couldn't bear being hurt like that continuously. And he told me it was over. That things would get back to normal. That he hadn't realize it had been so harmful to me but that it was over. That he wouldn't keep hurting me. That he was back to stay and he could see me twice a week on a stable schedule. That we could try to repair things.
>
> B*stard. It really does sound like a deliberate lie. How could he suggest the uncertainty was over if he didn’t know for sure that he could see you twice a week on a stable schedule? Trying to repair things only works if both parties take responsibility for their part of the relationship. He really needs to make a decision. Can he be the therapist you need him to be? Or can’t he?
>
> > And this wasn't long ago either. This was two and three weeks ago. And he didn't tell me the truth until it was too late to move.
>
> I want to believe that this has been a countertransferential oversight rather than a deliberate lie. I want to believe that he is so committed to being a good therapist to you that he wasn’t able to acknowledge to himself that he was setting you up for another hurt. I want to believe that he genuinely wishes to be the therapist you need and so finds it hard to face his own shortcomings. It’s the best spin I can think to put on it. And it still leaves him lacking in basic professional competence.
>
> > I'm inclined to leave my husband and get out of town anyway, at least until this horrible addiction is broken. Because I know that I don't have the strength to stay here and not see him.
>
> I think there is a very real question about your sense of self worth. If he has hurt you repeatedly and knows it and has promised to make things change, and now has hurt you again, it must be absolutely devastating. It’s the sort of thing that would floor anyone, but for someone with mental health problems it’s unspeakable. He needs to agree to a long term solution and he needs to stick to it. And one thing he needs to do is to make sure that he will be able to provide adequate care for you when he gets other jobs. He can’t expect you to wait for him to return, or to see him one evening in twenty-five. He has a very real responsibility for you and it’s time he got his head around it.
>
> ((((((((((Dinah))))))))))
>
> Give him hell.
>
>

 

Re: I would » Dinah

Posted by fairywings on June 16, 2006, at 18:35:40

In reply to Re: I would, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2006, at 12:01:29

(((((Dinah))))

I think getting out of town, till the attachment subsides is a good idea....if you can do it w/o hurting yourself more. I'm glad you're going on Father's Day.....I hope you're still as angry, and can tell him. He's betrayed your trust big time. I'd be angry, hurt, feel betrayed, want to quit, want to vent my anger, want all my money back. Even if somehow he convinced you to stay with him, this situation will likely damage your relationship beyond repair. I know it would for me.

Let us know how it goes!
fw

 

Re: Thank heavens for Risperdal » Dinah

Posted by MidnightBlue on June 16, 2006, at 21:04:47

In reply to Thank heavens for Risperdal, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2006, at 17:15:17

Dinah,

I hate to even ask this, but can you trust him to actually tell you the truth about what he knew when? I don't think I could trust him....

HUGS,

MidnightBlue

 

Re: Thank heavens for Risperdal » MidnightBlue

Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2006, at 21:58:23

In reply to Re: Thank heavens for Risperdal » Dinah, posted by MidnightBlue on June 16, 2006, at 21:04:47

Maybe it's just what I need to believe. But I don't think he flat out lies. He may like by avoiding or omitting, but I don't think he'd tell an untruth.

I may be absolutely furious with him, and angry at how I let him hurt me over and over and over again in a way I haven't let anyone hurt me except my mother before I emotionally divorced her. And I might wish I could emotionally divorce him. But I have to confess that I have a hard time thinking of him as an intentionally bad man. A flawed man, certainly. A man who hurts me, yes. A man who is either dense or intentionally blind, yes.

Sigh. I wish I really could hate him. Or at least protect myself from him.

I wonder if I saw the potential for him to hurt me when I made him into my therapist/mommy? If I had some weird compulsion to recreate being hurt by my real mother. No, maybe not. He's flawed in different ways. I probably chose him as my therapist mommy because he was so different than my mother or father or husband. I just didn't realize that that brand of fantasy came with its own pain.

 

Re: Thank heavens for Risperdal » Dinah

Posted by MidnightBlue on June 16, 2006, at 23:45:11

In reply to Re: Thank heavens for Risperdal » MidnightBlue, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2006, at 21:58:23

((((((((((((((((Dinah))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry. So VERY sorry for all your pain.

HUGS,

MidnightBlue

 

Dinah, how are you tonight?

Posted by happyflower on June 17, 2006, at 16:33:26

In reply to Re: Thank heavens for Risperdal » Dinah, posted by MidnightBlue on June 16, 2006, at 23:45:11

Are you nervous about your appointment tomorrow? Do you know what you are going to say to him? I am sure this is on your mind right now, so I hope your Dh can at least support you now.
Well I hope you post about this tomorrow, I will be looking for you. I am hoping it all turns out okay and you will feel better. (((((Dinah))))

 

Re: Dinah, how are you tonight? » happyflower

Posted by Dinah on June 17, 2006, at 17:21:34

In reply to Dinah, how are you tonight?, posted by happyflower on June 17, 2006, at 16:33:26

Thanks Happyflower.

Again, thank heavens for Risperdal. I woke up with very dark thoughts, but a couple of hours after taking my max dose of Risperdal I felt well enough to do some work, and also do some stuff around the house. I just need to make sure I keep taking it regularly at maximum dose.

I know that what I want to do tomorrow is to ask him when he knew. I have planned out in my mind to describe what date I want to know if it was before or after, and how to tell him why it's important for me to know.

I've also practiced telling him why it *is* a big deal. Much bigger this time than when he usually does it. Because even if he had told me last Sunday about it, it wasn't too late to move at all. It was too late to move without a big price tag, but we could have still moved. Now we can't. Our bridges are burned. And if I had known last Sunday I would have tried to make sure we moved. Because the only insurmountable reason for staying was the promise of future stability in therapy.

So I've got it all planned out.

Of course, when I have it all planned out, it all goes terribly wrong. I've already apologized to my husband for ruining his fathers day. He's being pretty nice about it. But he's kind of angry that I'm so upset about not moving, because it makes him feel like he did the wrong thing. Poor man.

 

Re: Dinah, how are you tonight?

Posted by curtm on June 17, 2006, at 17:29:32

In reply to Re: Dinah, how are you tonight? » happyflower, posted by Dinah on June 17, 2006, at 17:21:34

What movie was it where somebody chained this car's axle to a pole or something and when the driver took off it ripped the entire rear end out off the SFB's car? Anyone remeber that? Poet?

 

Re: Dinah, how are you tonight? » curtm

Posted by fallsfall on June 17, 2006, at 17:54:42

In reply to Re: Dinah, how are you tonight?, posted by curtm on June 17, 2006, at 17:29:32

American Graffitti. A great movie!

 

Re: Dinah, how are you tonight? » Dinah

Posted by happyflower on June 17, 2006, at 18:38:17

In reply to Re: Dinah, how are you tonight? » happyflower, posted by Dinah on June 17, 2006, at 17:21:34

What is Risperdal and what does it do? I wonder if I should get something like that?
I knew you would have a plan, so good luck tomrorow. Let us know how it goes, okay. ((((Dinah)))

 

thinking of you (((((dinah))))) (nm) » Dinah

Posted by wishingstar on June 17, 2006, at 19:31:21

In reply to Sh*t faced B*STARD, posted by Dinah on June 15, 2006, at 19:16:22

 

Good luck tomorrow (nm)

Posted by gardenergirl on June 17, 2006, at 20:52:06

In reply to Re: Dinah, how are you tonight? » Dinah, posted by happyflower on June 17, 2006, at 18:38:17

 

Re: Dinah, how are you tonight? » Dinah

Posted by fairywings on June 17, 2006, at 23:14:23

In reply to Re: Dinah, how are you tonight? » happyflower, posted by Dinah on June 17, 2006, at 17:21:34

I hope your appt goes well, and you can ask him about the dates. Do you have it planned out how you'll respond to various things he might say?

Good luck,
fw

 

As could be expected.

Posted by Dinah on June 18, 2006, at 12:28:23

In reply to Re: Dinah, how are you tonight? » Dinah, posted by fairywings on June 17, 2006, at 23:14:23

He said it wasn't a job. Just a two month assignment. He said it wasn't my business if he took a two month assignment, and I agreed but insisted it was my business to be informed of how said assignment would affect my therapy.

He said it was my choice what to do about moving. I agreed but insisted that I had the right to all information when making my choice. And that it was very bad of him to decide for me that this wasn't important and not to tell me. Not just thoughtless or careless of my feelings and need for security as usual. But bad. I made a choice that was bad enough before, but now it was a choice made for nothing.

Thursday he told me he could only see clients at night and *maybe* at lunch. Today he said he was sure he could see me at lunch, so I was upset about nothing. It wouldn't be like last time. I suggested to him that if he was certain he could tell me each Sunday what day and time he could see me that week, that he back that up by promising to give me a free session if he couldn't make that time because of work. When he was silent, I noted that he was sure enough to risk my pain, but not sure enough to risk his money. I then declined the second appointment during the week, because I didn't want to be waiting for the phone to ring like a middle school girl waiting for a call from a guy. He said that I could make that choice if I wished.

When I said that he encouraged me to stay, he replied that it wasn't because he wanted me to stay, but because I seemed upset at the thought of leaving. Wow. Thanks.

He wanted to know if I intended to continue therapy. I told him I'd like to continue to see him long enough to have my love and hate for him turn to indifference. He said he didn't know if he was willing to continue therapy under those circumstances. I told him that he had hurt me enough already. Was he going to hurt me more by abandoning and rejecting and terminating me while I still felt an attachment to him? Then I said some more things that I probably can't repeat here under Dr. Bob's rules.

As it stands now, I have an engagement next Sunday, so we have an appointment for two Sundays from now. I'll make sure to stay at my maximum Risperdal dose. And I'll try to make it work while staying at home with my husband and son. If I don't feel like I can do this, I'll have to consider what to do next.

He has disappointed me greatly.

All the time he kept everything in that neutral language. He didn't hurt me, I felt hurt. Stuff like that. Towards the end he said that he thought he had told me, that he believed me when I said he hadn't, and that if he hadn't told me as he thought he had then that was negligent and bad. After he repeated that a few times, I told him that since he believed me when I said we'd never discussed this, he should drop the conditional "if" and just say that not telling me was negligent and bad. And he did.

I just don't know...

 

Re: As could be expected.

Posted by Poet on June 18, 2006, at 12:53:43

In reply to As could be expected., posted by Dinah on June 18, 2006, at 12:28:23

((((Dinah))))

<<He wanted to know if I intended to continue therapy. I told him I'd like to continue to see him long enough to have my love and hate for him turn to indifference. He said he didn't know if he was willing to continue therapy under those circumstances. I told him that he had hurt me enough already.

GOOD FOR YOU! Though it would take my a very long time to have hate turn to indifference if he was my T.

<< When I said that he encouraged me to stay, he replied that it wasn't because he wanted me to stay, but because I seemed upset at the thought of leaving. Wow. Thanks.

Yeah, wow, thanks a lot, jerk. Dinah, I truly think he's hurting you far more than helping you. Terminating you would be less hurtful than sitting there acting surprised about your reactions to what he says and does. I think he's playing a game and you don't deserve to be a pawn in that game.

Poet

 

Re: As could be expected. » Dinah

Posted by fairywings on June 18, 2006, at 12:57:27

In reply to As could be expected., posted by Dinah on June 18, 2006, at 12:28:23

I'm sorry this turned out to be so disappointing. I'd be furious! It all sounds so freaking cold and heartless. I agree, I'd want the pain to subside, and then get the h*ll away from him! Mad, hurt, confused, feeling like needing an escape - and so much more would be flying through my head. Any chance you can take advantage of not being able to see him for 2 weeks, and get through the next 12 day, cancel, get out of town, and try to get beyond the hurt, so you can try not to go back. I'd never want to see him again!

((((((cyberhugs))))))
fw

 

Re: As could be expected.

Posted by Frida on June 18, 2006, at 13:26:43

In reply to Re: As could be expected. » Dinah, posted by fairywings on June 18, 2006, at 12:57:27

Dear Dinah,

I'm really sorry to hear all this.
He does seem to be so cold at the moment..How hurtful.
If my T of 6 years were to do this, I think I would demand her to tell me how she's truly feeling about all this and to own his mistakes and tell me something from her heart, not so coldly. You've been through a lot together, a lot of years, you've invested so much in this relationship.

I am really sorry he's being this way. You deserve so much better from him. :-(

support to you
Frida

 

Re: As could be expected. » Frida

Posted by Dinah on June 18, 2006, at 13:42:51

In reply to Re: As could be expected., posted by Frida on June 18, 2006, at 13:26:43

Well, in his defense, I was pretty cold and matter of fact when I talked to him. It was the only way I could be sure of keeping control. He was matching my tone, I guess.

Not owning up... Well, he tends to be defensive. But a lot of times, he softens and owns up to his part of things over time.

It seemed easy to him. It seemed like he didn't care. But I suspect at some level it must have been difficult for him to hear these things from someone who's been so attached for years. I'm guessing his defenses were way up.

For some reason, I'm not really angry any more. Just sad that things have gotten to this point. And that he didn't make better, kinder, choices.

 

Re: As could be expected. » fairywings

Posted by Dinah on June 18, 2006, at 13:44:22

In reply to Re: As could be expected. » Dinah, posted by fairywings on June 18, 2006, at 12:57:27

I'm thinking that's my plan. Right now the idea of not seeing him makes me frantic. But if I fool myself by just coming up with reasons not to see him and stretching the time between sessions, and I make sure I'm medicated until the pain lessens, eventually I'll be ok.

At least I hope so.

 

Re: As could be expected. » Poet

Posted by Dinah on June 18, 2006, at 13:49:47

In reply to Re: As could be expected., posted by Poet on June 18, 2006, at 12:53:43

It would devastate me to be terminated at this point, with the attachment still so strong. Even now, I'm not sure I could make it through that.

I never thought this would happen or that my therapy life would take this turn. I was the forever therapy client.

I do this thing where I emotionally divorce. There's a buildup to it, but when it happens it happens fairly quickly. I'm hoping it will happen here. That one day I'll look at him and I won't see my therapist mommy. I'll just see this self indulgent man who is really absurd and not worth distressing myself over. That's what happened with my mother. One day she was screaming at me, something awful about my not being her daughter any more or something. And pow. Instead of being upset like usual, I just wanted to laugh at this redfaced bizarre woman screeching like an idiot.

I want that to happen here. Then nothing about him will hurt me again.

 

Re: As could be expected. » Dinah

Posted by gardenergirl on June 18, 2006, at 15:01:01

In reply to Re: As could be expected. » Frida, posted by Dinah on June 18, 2006, at 13:42:51

> Well, in his defense, I was pretty cold and matter of fact when I talked to him. It was the only way I could be sure of keeping control. He was matching my tone, I guess.

That's not the way it's supposed to be. You can be any way that you are, but the T is supposed to be compassionate and gentle with your feelings. NOT defensive about them.

I'm not saying that T's have to be perfectly in control of their responses at all times. That's too much to ask. But most of the time. Because T's DO hear things that in another setting might make them feel hurt, angry, defensive, criticized, etc. If a T cannot handle that, then they are not prepared to do therapy.

But that conversation should have been all about your feelings about the issue and what it means to you. And it's not a stretch to feel compassion for your hurt and anger. Certainly someone who's known you for that long ought to be able to feel and express that.

I'm glad you kept the appt. and expressed yourself about it. I hope that in the coming weeks you find support and caring from many places. You'll find it here, I'm sure, and I'll try to keep my reactions about your T in check.
((((Dinah))))

gg

 

Re: As could be expected. » Dinah

Posted by fairywings on June 18, 2006, at 15:59:59

In reply to Re: As could be expected. » fairywings, posted by Dinah on June 18, 2006, at 13:44:22

> I'm thinking that's my plan. Right now the idea of not seeing him makes me frantic.

I would feel the same way....and I haven't seen my T nearly as long.

>>But if I fool myself by just coming up with reasons not to see him and stretching the time between sessions, and I make sure I'm medicated until the pain lessens,

That's what I'd do too. Any chance you can get out of town, and do something, or see someone you've been dying to see? Disney with your son, a dear friend who'd understand and keep you sane?

eventually I'll be ok.

I sure hope so too. I know it won't be easy.
fw


 

Re: As could be expected. » Dinah

Posted by fallsfall on June 18, 2006, at 16:46:59

In reply to Re: As could be expected. ? Poet, posted by Dinah on June 18, 2006, at 13:49:47

I'm sorry. Forever therapy did sound really nice.

You can come visit me!

Let me know how I can help.

Love,
Falls


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