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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2005, at 4:38:03
and so i did something i have never done...
i googled her
and bloody hell she has written books on historical methodology
incl the role of narrative
till switching to psych
at which point...
she vanishes
:-(i would really like to contact her...
its been a while
i've gotten heaps better since then
i'd love to be able to tell her that i finished my degree
and got another
and am working on another...
about how i hurt my legs and that was really hard
but i'm okay now
about how she was the best therapist i ever had and i miss her so very much
about how i did talk about the voices...
and about my new dxi know where(ish) her husband works...
it is tempting...
oh so temptingshe tried to discourage me from writing before though.
well...
its tricky.
in our last session i asked her if it would be okay
and she seemed really pleased
really genuinely pleased
she jumped up to get a pen
and said that she couldn't exactly remember her new address...
i freaked a bit at that point
and said that her new work address would be fine.but then...
her new job was at another place
but still part of the region that i'm in
and so she wrote me...
and said that she didn't know this before...
but that because she was still working within the service
she had to foward any contact she received from me on to my present clinician
and it would go on my file.and she also said...
that what she was thinking when she said i could write...
was that goodbyes can be hard
and that it might be helpful to me to write to her for up to a year
to make that easier
and that she wouldn't foward on what i'd sent thus far (which was innocuous)
because she thought it fair to warn me firstand of course...
i thought that was just a tactful way of her telling me to f*ck off.
and so i never wrote back.oh
actually...
a couple of years ago i did try
but she had moved on again
out of the countrybut it turns out...
that her husband used to be the secretary of the philosophy dept.
and my supervisor told me where he moved to...
where they moved to...
he used to go stay with them sometimes(no way! what a f*cking small world!!!)
and of course i wouldn't send anything to her via him...
but i could be tempted to try and find his email...
and ask him for her address...
are these thoughts really very bad??
or do ya think it would be okay?
Posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2005, at 4:47:13
In reply to i miss my old t :-(, posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2005, at 4:38:03
and i miss her so damned much
:-(
:-(
:-(and i never told her that i cared about her
that i appreciated her
that i liked her
that i didn't want her to go
that she helped mei never told her any of that
because i couldn't say that stuff back then
i couldn't
i couldn't say hardly anything
i just covered my face and tried to disappear through the floor much of the timeand was grumpy
and argumentative
and all those kinds of
f*cking back off lady
defenses
because i was so damned afraid.and so i never got the chance to say...
and i never did say
and perhaps i shouldn't...
that i haven't really been able to work with anyone since her
and that we just clicked.and it wasn't that she was so very non-judgemental
or anything...
it was more that she would bite her lip...
because she knew it was the way
she had faith that it was the way
and she was smart
and she was sharp
and i would really hate to get on her wrong side(ive heard stories about her and how she used to terrorise her students as a lecturer ha!)
but for some reason...
we just seemed to get on fine
though judging by my behaviour...
i don't think she got that.but...
i really should probably just let this go
it is just that i miss her so damned much
:-(
Posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2005, at 4:49:13
In reply to i miss my old t :-(, posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2005, at 4:38:03
and current t forgot about me
and i turned up and she wasn't there...
and i asked them to give her a message to email me
and she didn't...
so i emailed her...
and she emailed me back...
oops sorry see you next weekand i don't know why i keep seeing her except that there isn't anybody else
damn
damn
damni really don't want to be here again...
Posted by gardenergirl on October 3, 2005, at 5:12:07
In reply to Re:, posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2005, at 4:49:13
I think the old T knows. She just knows, even if you didn't get to say it.
And thinking about her and wanting to connect with her again is not at all wrong. It seems perfectly natural considering you are still struggling with the new T. And apparently she's not helping with that, eh? I'm sorry she missed your appointment. That really hurts, I know.
((((alex))))
gg
Posted by cricket on October 3, 2005, at 6:47:54
In reply to i miss my old t :-(, posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2005, at 4:38:03
((((Alex)))
I agree with GG. I'm sure your old T knows. So don't worry if you feel too awkward about trying to reach her.
But I guess I would if I were you. I mean I guess I know I wouldn't. But if I were brave enough, strong enough I would. I would try to contact her and say all those things you said.
Posted by happyflower on October 3, 2005, at 9:56:42
In reply to i miss my old t :-(, posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2005, at 4:38:03
Posted by Damos on October 3, 2005, at 18:41:38
In reply to i miss my old t :-(, posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2005, at 4:38:03
Have to agree with GG, I think she knows. Also think your acknowledging these thoughts and feelings about her is really good too. She'd be really proud of you in so many ways. Gosh, you have come such a long way. Hope you're taking a few minutes to be proud of yourself too.
I don't think wanting to and trying to contact her is/would be wrong at all.
Can't believe your T forgot you. That sux big time, and an "Oops see you next time" just doesn't cut it.
I'm really proud of you Alex, I've seen you come so far and grow so much just in the time I've been here, and I'm incredibly lucky to know you and be your friend.
(((((Alex)))))
Posted by alexandra_k on October 4, 2005, at 2:52:09
In reply to Re: i miss my old t :-( » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on October 3, 2005, at 18:41:38
i think i probably shouldn't contact her
because yeah i'd like to say some stuff...
to thank her properly
but i guess i'd also like to re-establish a connection with her and i don't know that that would / could work out even if she didn't mind which she might well mind anyway in which case i'd just feel really very hurt...and i guess its hard to know how much my memory has distorted too...
how much i am idealising her now...
maybe i'll run into her one day
or maybe notbut i think...
i'd probably best not.and yeah
i guess...
she probably knows
probably
i hope
Posted by alexandra_k on October 4, 2005, at 21:58:40
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by alexandra_k on October 4, 2005, at 2:52:09
i'm ambivalent
normally...
i have a screw it lets do it thing going on
like with emails
emails of protest
emails of frustration
i kind of think i'll regret them later
but i send 'em anyways
and later
i sort of regret them...
but then another part of me is still glad it got sentand so i am ambivalent.
because...
just maybe...it would be nice to make sure that she knows
not that i haven't really been able to work with anyone since
not that i have a new dx
but the other stuff
the positive stuff
the good things i've done
and how i have progressed
and how much she started me along the way with that
and how much i really appreciate thatmaybe...
just maybe...that would be enough.
but then there is this other thing
about how i would like to be able to email her from time to time
i do appreciate that she isn't my t anymore
but it would be nice to feel like she is still part of my life
the positive bitsbut then how realistic is that?
how realistic is it for me to think that i would be able to do that
to keep it positive
to not start treating her like my t againi don't know...
and then there is the point about how maybe i'm idealising her pretty significantly
:-(
:-(i just really really miss her
tears.
i'm not sure why it is that i have it so bad at the moment...
maybe its because i've never felt a connection like that before...
and i'm scared i'll never find one like that againand i miss her so much
Posted by Damos on October 5, 2005, at 2:17:22
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by alexandra_k on October 4, 2005, at 21:58:40
Sorry you're hurting so much right now Alex, makes me sad too :-(
Tell me about her, she's the one who gave you the little wooden box isn't she? No wonder you miss her.
Even given what you've said about how you were with her, you had confidence in her didn't you? Somewhere deep inside you really believed (whether you showed it or not) and still do that she really knew what she was doing. And you miss that.
That fact that you've said she was smart and sharp are important too, because you are too, and anybody who is really going to work with you has to be too. They have to be able to work with you at your level.
I think it's also got you bad at the moment because you have come such a long way and she is probably one of the only people who could really appreciate just how far - and would be really proud of you.
Being forgotten by your current T and then oopsed wouldn't have helped either, because I know from what you wrote on 'Write' that there is stuff going on for you that is behind the 'boulders moving'. Stuff you really need to talk to someone about, someone who can help you make sense of it.
((((((((((Alex))))))))))
Posted by alexandra_k on October 5, 2005, at 20:14:25
In reply to Re: thanks everyone » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on October 5, 2005, at 2:17:22
> Sorry you're hurting so much right now Alex, makes me sad too :-(
Aw. I'm pretty much okay... Better to have loved and lost etc. I guess its sadness more than anything else. But its not too desperate or anything. I think... It feels okay to grieve and have a cry sometimes.
> Tell me about her, she's the one who gave you the little wooden box isn't she? No wonder you miss her.Yeah. Thats her. I don't really know what else to say... Except that I miss her a whole heap.
> Even given what you've said about how you were with her, you had confidence in her didn't you? Somewhere deep inside you really believed (whether you showed it or not) and still do that she really knew what she was doing. And you miss that.Yeah... Kind of... She was in her intern year. I remember that the first couple of sessions didn't go so well. I threw a bit of a fit about her being in her intern year (varsity connection) and about her leaving after 8 months (the length of the internship) and about her not having much experience. But that last bit turned out to be a very good thing indeed. Because she didn't judge me so much. Because she didn't have a background of x number of borderline clients to form generalisations from. Because she worked with ME more than my dx. Because she was willing to look outside the CBT box. Because she UNDERSTOOD the theory and conceptualisation behind DBT and she seemed to understand WHY it had to be that way. Because she really applied it in a way that other CBT therapists who had been applying CBT for a number of years... Could not.
> That fact that you've said she was smart and sharp are important too, because you are too, and anybody who is really going to work with you has to be too. They have to be able to work with you at your level.Na, they need to be one step ahead of me! LOL! Actually... It ain't that hard because therapy does get pretty emotionally intense for me, and when things get emotionally intense then rationality typically goes out the window... But yeah, IMO smart is pretty hard to come by these days... And I do need to feel like they understand, a little at least. And that can be hard. I don't know... I never used to think that counted for very much, there are other things, other qualities that are much more important. But communication is really very important. I think the trouble is that... The smart people typically move on from community mental health very quickly indeed... Seems to me like every clinician I've ever got on with has moved on very quickly indeed. But then I have wondered whether thats why we got on. Because they kept thinking 'I only have to put up with her for a couple months' and if its them citing this to themself that allows them to work with me :-( I don't know...
> I think it's also got you bad at the moment because you have come such a long way and she is probably one of the only people who could really appreciate just how far - and would be really proud of you.
Yeah. And she is the only person who believed I could do it. And she is the only person who understands just how important to me it is.
There are others I'd love to tell...
But thats more of a 'YOU TOLD ME I COULDN'T AND I HAVE - SO THERE' kind of thing. The implication being: 'STOP BEING SO F*CKING JUDGEMENTAL AND DON'T YOU REALISE THE DAMAGE THAT DOES AND I VERY NEARLY FAILED BECAUSE YOU F*CK HEADS DIDN'T HAVE ANY FAITH IN ME WHATSOEVER' and so really that would be one big F*CK YOU.But she was different...
> Being forgotten by your current T and then oopsed wouldn't have helped either, because I know from what you wrote on 'Write' that there is stuff going on for you that is behind the 'boulders moving'. Stuff you really need to talk to someone about, someone who can help you make sense of it.
Yeah... But I can't talk to her about that stuff... I don't think she would understand. About her 'forgetting' - I wondered if there was just a touch of 'see how it feels' about that... I was really bad to start with... Over the first 4 or 6 months about forgetting to go. She was always really very good about that. It was hard for me because I was only seeing her fortnightly and was also seeing a p-doc fortnightly... And, well... My thoughts were more with him I guess. And I used to forget about her and our appoitments.
And she said that that was fine because she could do other work if I was a no show anyways. And then she said that once the semester started it would be a little different because she would be booked up a lot more and thus if I forgot I probably wouldn't be able to schedule a new time so I would miss out. And I figured that was fair enough and that might actually help me learn...
But I have been really very good about attending for the last 4 months or whatever. Haven't missed a session since we switched to weekly sessions. But now this... And so I do wonder whether it is a passive agressive way of her venting her frustration or something like that...
And of course I have no right whatsoever to complain because how many times have I done this to her?
Posted by Damos on October 6, 2005, at 1:24:47
In reply to Re: thanks everyone » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on October 5, 2005, at 20:14:25
Thanks Alex, what you've written pretty much speaks for itself.
:-)
This is the end of the thread.
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