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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Aphrodite on June 23, 2005, at 6:00:51
Anyone dealt with this? A close family member of my T's is near death. He told me so I would know in advance if we get interrupted and he has to run or if he cancels abruptly. He said, "Of course, we still have work to do, so we cannot let it interfere. I'll make sure the interruption in minimal."
Well, I'm paralyzed. I'm a big caretaker, y'know, and there's no way in heck I can add to what's on his plate right now. On the other hand, I've been a mess and don't have other means of support except for you guys of course.
I know they're trained to put things aside, but sheesh. This one is big. Any experience or thoughts about this?
Posted by Tamar on June 23, 2005, at 6:26:00
In reply to Tragedy in T's family, posted by Aphrodite on June 23, 2005, at 6:00:51
Gosh, that’s really tough for everybody involved.
I can understand that you want to take care of your therapist at this difficult time in his life. And I’m also aware that taking care of them isn’t something therapists expect us to do.
I can also understand that you don’t want to be a burden to him. On the other hand, I think it’s quite common for people to handle life’s tragedies by trying to keep everything as normal as possible. Your T might actually prefer to keep going to work to give himself a few hours away from the grief, and then encounter his grief at home later.
I think you should allow yourself to be guided by him. If he continues working, then he probably needs time at work to keep himself stable. And perhaps you can express your care for him by carrying on and being yourself. Whatever you’re working on together at the moment, you should probably continue. I imagine that helping him maintain a sense of purpose through his work would actually be very valuable to him.
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on June 23, 2005, at 7:18:46
In reply to Tragedy in T's family, posted by Aphrodite on June 23, 2005, at 6:00:51
I went through this with my therapist's mother. I was, of course, very worried about him.
He took care of himself, though. He took some rare personal time, and when he came back he insisted that he was just fine. He wasn't of course, and was off his stride for several months.
But I think Tamar was right. Both from that experience and from my personal experience. On the other hand, from both experiences I also learned that someone who is experiencing loss is also not at their best.
So I'd say the most charitable thing to do is to make clear that if he needs time off, you understand. But if he'd prefer to work, you'll respect that. And silently resolve to let lapses slip for a few months. Because it's not unusual for loss and grief to manifest itself more subtly.
Posted by happyflower on June 23, 2005, at 7:56:56
In reply to Re: Tragedy in T's family » Aphrodite, posted by Dinah on June 23, 2005, at 7:18:46
I think he is taking care of you by telling you this. He wants you to know that if he has to cancel, it is nothing personal about you. He must trust you that you will be strong enough to handle the information. I would be worried too, because we do care about our T's. I would rather know ahead of time if something like this happens so you can prepare yourself in case he needs to cancel. ((((((aphrodite)))
Posted by frida on June 23, 2005, at 8:24:52
In reply to Tragedy in T's family, posted by Aphrodite on June 23, 2005, at 6:00:51
Hi,
it's very hard when something like this happens-i went through it last year, with my therapist's mother. She was very sick and about to die.
it was hard, because I didn't want to add to my T"s burden and at the same time I needed her support, in the end I decided to let her guide me.
but it was better to know- one day I even got to my session and she received a phonecall and had to leave, she was obviously having a very difficult time and i had to leave :-( ..we went together in the lift, she told me she was very sorry...I wanted to comfort her or give her a hug, I didn't know what to do.
then she sent me an email telling me it wasn't because of me...then she had to cancel sessions and she told me directly that she was having a difficult time- and that her mother was going to die.
it all lasted for 2 months more or less. I let her guide me and fortunately her reassurance and emails and knowing that she was with me- were enough for me to hold on and wait patiently...
it was really hard to feel far away from her, but it helped me that she talked openly with me after that episode in which she had to stop my session because of a phonecall.((((Aphrodite)))))
lots of support
frida
> Anyone dealt with this? A close family member of my T's is near death. He told me so I would know in advance if we get interrupted and he has to run or if he cancels abruptly. He said, "Of course, we still have work to do, so we cannot let it interfere. I'll make sure the interruption in minimal."
>
> Well, I'm paralyzed. I'm a big caretaker, y'know, and there's no way in heck I can add to what's on his plate right now. On the other hand, I've been a mess and don't have other means of support except for you guys of course.
>
> I know they're trained to put things aside, but sheesh. This one is big. Any experience or thoughts about this?
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on June 23, 2005, at 11:26:05
In reply to Tragedy in T's family, posted by Aphrodite on June 23, 2005, at 6:00:51
Actually, here is another way to think about it. As I mentioned, I am training to be a T and also going through some really difficult stuff in my own life. My own T and I have discussed how sometimes working with clients can be such a relief from your own life. You can feel good about focusing on something else and being supportive and helpful. So, in a way, you'd be taking care of your T by sharing what is going on with you.
Best,
EE
Posted by Aphrodite on June 23, 2005, at 12:38:01
In reply to Tragedy in T's family, posted by Aphrodite on June 23, 2005, at 6:00:51
All of you had wonderful responses; thanks for giving me things to ponder. And Dinah, you're right that I'll need to cut him slack for awhile -- I'm glad you mentioned that.
He tried to call, but ended up leaving voice mails. He knows me well -- he said that he knew I would worry about it. So, he said, "I'm going to boss you around, and you're going to do what I say even though it goes against your grain. You are to call and page just as I always instruct you to do and always err on the side of caution. This is going on, but we still have work to do and you are a great priority to me. They way to take care of me is to do what I say so I don't worry that you're floating out there without support. We may just need to be flexible for a little while about when we can meet, but it is important to me to work it out."
I still feel torn, but this gave me some good insight and direction. I guess it would burden him more to think I wouldn't get help or fake being "fine" while he is also going through a difficult time that could stretch out for awhile.
Thanks for all of your input!
Posted by spalding on June 23, 2005, at 13:15:11
In reply to Thanks and update, posted by Aphrodite on June 23, 2005, at 12:38:01
Aphrodite...
I'm stuck on that phrase, "You're a great priority to me." What a wonderful thing for him to say.
Yes, please be sure you reach out if you need to. I wish you all the best!
spalding
Posted by fallsfall on June 23, 2005, at 14:50:30
In reply to Thanks and update, posted by Aphrodite on June 23, 2005, at 12:38:01
He's a keeper.
Do what he says.
Posted by Shortelise on June 23, 2005, at 15:38:12
In reply to Tragedy in T's family, posted by Aphrodite on June 23, 2005, at 6:00:51
Your stuff isn't his stuff. You know what I mean? Anything you add to his plate, well, it's a thoroughly different plate than the one his personal life is on.
You are his work, work he surely loves, and it can be very helpful to throw one's self into work when things are tough.
It seems a little disrespectful not to trust in his ability to keep things in perspective.
You are very kind, you know that?
ShortE
Posted by Jazzed on June 23, 2005, at 16:46:55
In reply to Thanks and update, posted by Aphrodite on June 23, 2005, at 12:38:01
>So, he said, "I'm going to boss you around, and you're going to do what I say even though it goes against your grain. You are to call and page just as I always instruct you to do and always err on the side of caution. This is going on, but we still have work to do and you are a great priority to me. They way to take care of me is to do what I say so I don't worry that you're floating out there without support. >
>Wow, that was so awesome of him. Sounds like he really has it together, and you can trust him to be able to guide you.
Jazzy
Posted by Daisym on June 23, 2005, at 19:19:18
In reply to Thanks and update, posted by Aphrodite on June 23, 2005, at 12:38:01
I can just hear him saying that, a bit of humor and a bit of toughness.
I think you can lean on him and use your other supports too. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I'm sorry he is facing such a difficult time. I hope you believe him when he says it makes things easier to know what is really going on with you. It is less taxing than guessing.
I'm going to remind you that I'm happy to be one of your "lesser" supports, as you need me. Hang in there.
Daisy
Posted by Aphrodite on June 23, 2005, at 21:03:37
In reply to Tragedy in T's family, posted by Aphrodite on June 23, 2005, at 6:00:51
I can't talk!!!! How frustrating is that! It was my first session after knowing about his tragedy, and how can I talk about my own pain in the face of that? It's the anniversary of my Dad's death - like I could really whine and cry about that. I went totally mute. . . and then cried profusely afterward.
This is going to be rough. :(
Posted by daisym on June 23, 2005, at 23:30:16
In reply to but . . . but . . . but, posted by Aphrodite on June 23, 2005, at 21:03:37
The danger of knowing too much about your therapist strikes again!
It will get easier. You may have to write down things and take them in for awhile. And MAKE yourself read them. It is really hard when we think they are going to judge what we say. I try to remind myself that I do not have the power to make him feel anything -- he is in control of his own emotions. That doesn't mean I don't worry about making him feel bad. You are such a kind and caring person, I'm sure you are worried about hitting a sore spot or triggering him.
I'll take it that it is his dad who is dying. That is rough. But this is still a painful day and time for you. And you know what? You get to see him again next week and you CAN call him, so you are allowed one quiet session. You need to make yourself a sign that says, "I do NOT need to take care of my therapist!"
OK, all together now... "I do NOT need...
Hugs from me,
Daisy
Posted by crushedout on June 23, 2005, at 23:31:32
In reply to Re: Tragedy in T's family » Aphrodite, posted by Tamar on June 23, 2005, at 6:26:00
Posted by Dinah on June 24, 2005, at 19:50:06
In reply to but . . . but . . . but, posted by Aphrodite on June 23, 2005, at 21:03:37
I had the same reaction when his mother died. My problems seemed so trivial that I was sure he was thinking, "My mother just died and you're complaining about that?"
But I'm pretty sure he wasn't, really.
It also felt kind of bad when Daddy was dying and then died, and it rather clearly brought back the memories of his time with his mother.
Sometimes it's hard to do therapy with someone you care about. It was easier back when he told me that his girlfriend had just left him and I thought "And why are you telling me this?"
But on the other hand, therapy is much more productive with someone you care about.
I think it's fair for you to tell him what you're thinking. I think I did, if I remember correctly. I think I told him outright that it was hard to talk about what seemed like unimportant things in comparison to what was happening in his life. It took a few sessions, but I think we came to a reasonably comfortable understanding.
Although then I felt bad about bringing my stuff to contaminate his stuff.
Drat, it's hard sometimes.
Posted by gardenergirl on June 27, 2005, at 18:01:36
In reply to Re: but . . . but . . . but » Aphrodite, posted by Dinah on June 24, 2005, at 19:50:06
Just wanted to check in...
gg
This is the end of the thread.
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