Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 491040

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Tormenting myself... (longish)

Posted by Tamar on April 28, 2005, at 16:20:40

Many many weeks ago, when I was still seeing my T, a thing happened and I’ve been tormenting myself about it ever since. I still can’t figure it out.

I’d been having a lot of nightmares and I’d talked about them the previous week. Then in the following session, right at the end (after 50 minutes of talking about totally unrelated stuff) he asked me if I was still having nightmares. I hadn’t, but I’d had a couple of dreams about him (for the first time ever), so I told him I’d been dreaming about him, and I laughed nervously, because I felt as if I was revealing something very personal.

And then a very strange thing happened. I felt the atmosphere in the room change completely and I thought he was steeling himself to hear something uncomfortable. I thought, “Oh &%*@! He thinks these were sexual dreams.” So I started stammering, because I knew the time was just about up, but I wanted to make it very clear I wasn’t talking about sex dreams, even though I hadn’t worried about it until that moment. I blurted out something about the content – just enough to try to make him understand it wasn’t about sex – and I started rambling and made myself shut up.

He didn’t respond except to say that we could talk about it the next time if I wanted to. Guess what? I didn’t want to! Surprise, surprise… I would have been able to talk about it if *he’d* raised it, but he didn’t and so I didn’t either.

Now, if I were still seeing him I’d be able to ask him about it (probably!). But I’m not, so I’m tormenting myself instead. Was I just imagining that change in atmosphere? Was I just imagining that he was preparing to hear about a sexual dream? I’m still wondering about it because from that moment I never felt able to talk to him about any feelings I had about him. I was just too afraid of his reaction.

Has anyone else experienced a paralysing change of atmosphere? I’d be grateful for any thoughts and comments!

Tamar

 

Re: Tormenting myself... (longish) » Tamar

Posted by pinkeye on April 28, 2005, at 16:30:14

In reply to Tormenting myself... (longish), posted by Tamar on April 28, 2005, at 16:20:40

I had felt several times when my Ts (both my ex and my new one) preparing themselves suddenly. It is just a moment's change and I have observed it.

Especially with my ex T, sometimes when I told him I really thought of him as a friend and not as a Dr, I had observed him retract himself, and kind of just withdrawn. But when I told him about my attraction, he really didn't stop to even think about it for a minute.. I think he must have had guessed it by the time, that I was going to say it.

Is it possible your T is not someone who likes to build dependance and work through transference and stuff? like Daisy's is? That could have even been the reason why you never told your T how you felt about him. I was reading the book "In Session" and it was written how the Ts are genuises in sending out the signals to the clients that they are open to hearing anything - other than the relationship with them. You might want to read that book. I sneaked out and read the whole book in Barnes and Noble in about couple of hours, because I couldn't bring the book home with my husband around. That book was really profound in many ways.

 

Re: Tormenting myself... (longish) » Tamar

Posted by Dinah on April 28, 2005, at 18:59:28

In reply to Tormenting myself... (longish), posted by Tamar on April 28, 2005, at 16:20:40

Chuckle.

Ooooh yes.

I bring a lot of stuff from Babble to therapy, stuff that doesn't necessarily have to do with me. But when I first started doing it, he got so still and so obviously careful. I was positive he was steeling himself to hear something. The good news is that I don't think it was personal. I think it's just a tricky therapy topic and even the best therapists are on their best therapeutic behavior over it. So it wasn't like he was steeling himself for you to hit him with something unpleasant. It was probably more that he was gathering himself to be the best therapist he could be. Or at least that's always how I see it.

 

Re: Tormenting myself... (longish) » Tamar

Posted by Shortelise on April 29, 2005, at 0:08:31

In reply to Tormenting myself... (longish), posted by Tamar on April 28, 2005, at 16:20:40

I am still angry at my T for a time that I had a horrendous dream about breast feeding a monster so I called him. It was such an awful dream, such a terrible nightmare. I waited all day for him to call me and he called me late in the evening to tell me that he just didn't have time to talk with me, and to ask me why I'd called. I said I'd had an horrible disturbing dream, and he said, something that was so ... unconnected, like maybe he thought I'd had a sexual dream about him. It made me so angry that I never did disabuse him of the idea, never spoke to him of the dream again. I've had some nightmares in my life but that one was bad, and it was smack in the middle of a heavy phase of therapy, and I so needed to talk it through.

Anyway, back to you, and hoping that my little story there applies in SOME way! Tamar, what I sometimes forget is that my *reaction* to what I perceive or imagine about my T is important. In your boots, I'd ask myself why I was not able to talk about what I perceived to be his reaction. Was it real or imagined? I'd want to think about it from all angles.

What was is about your feelings for him that you were afraid to talk about? His reaction? HIS reaction?

Hope this is ok, Tamar.

You could try to make this more a subject of interest and less a subject of torment, if you thought it might help. It might be easier if it's possible for you.

Hugs, T.

ShortE

 

Re: Tormenting myself... (longish)

Posted by gardenergirl on April 29, 2005, at 2:01:09

In reply to Re: Tormenting myself... (longish) » Tamar, posted by Dinah on April 28, 2005, at 18:59:28

>I think it's just a tricky therapy topic and even the best therapists are on their best therapeutic behavior over it. So it wasn't like he was steeling himself for you to hit him with something unpleasant. It was probably more that he was gathering himself to be the best therapist he could be. Or at least that's always how I see it.

I've done the steeling myself for a disclosure that I knew would be hard to hear before. Sometimes I was right on target, and othertimes, I didn't need to steel myself so much. But I think it's like what Dinah said...I think it's kind of a gathering and holding your focus in order to be prepared to respond therapeutically. It's an odd sensation, and I'm not at all surprised to hear that clients can sense it too.

gg

 

Re: Tormenting myself... (longish) » pinkeye

Posted by Tamar on April 29, 2005, at 15:14:04

In reply to Re: Tormenting myself... (longish) » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on April 28, 2005, at 16:30:14

Thank you so much for your encouragement to read “In Session”. I’ve been wanting to read it for months and haven’t found the courage, because I’ve been afraid of what I will feel. I have to admit that the very idea of it fills me with dread. In fact, when I first read your post I descended into a period of crying and feeling miserable, because I was so afraid to confront what the book might evoke in me. But I’m feeling braver now, knowing that you did it and it helped you. So thank you.

 

Re: Tormenting myself... (longish) » Dinah

Posted by Tamar on April 29, 2005, at 15:18:24

In reply to Re: Tormenting myself... (longish) » Tamar, posted by Dinah on April 28, 2005, at 18:59:28

> The good news is that I don't think it was personal. I think it's just a tricky therapy topic and even the best therapists are on their best therapeutic behavior over it. So it wasn't like he was steeling himself for you to hit him with something unpleasant. It was probably more that he was gathering himself to be the best therapist he could be. Or at least that's always how I see it.

I so hope it wasn’t personal. It seems like the ultimate rejection: if he has to steel himself at the suggestion of the merest possibility that my unconscious could have placed him in a sexual role, then what does that say about me? Argh!

Trying hard to see the thing as a professional moment!

Thanks,
Tamar

 

Re: Tormenting myself... (longish) » Shortelise

Posted by Tamar on April 29, 2005, at 15:32:14

In reply to Re: Tormenting myself... (longish) » Tamar, posted by Shortelise on April 29, 2005, at 0:08:31

Thanks for sharing your experience, ShortE. That does sound like a particularly unpleasant nightmare. And also your T’s reaction. Ugh. It’s funny how they can seem completely unaware of our reality sometimes.

Yes, you’re right: it *is* about my reaction. I just felt I was too repulsive to live. And of course, I did have sexual feelings for him, though the dream wasn’t really about sex. Although, hmm... having said that, it did seem to have a recurring theme of Things That Could Never Happen. Ha ha! I guess he was right to steel himself!

Yes, now I’m getting interested... I guess I’m also sad that I allowed it to define my perception of his response to me.

Thanks again.

Tamar


 

Re: Tormenting myself... (longish) » gardenergirl

Posted by Tamar on April 29, 2005, at 15:39:14

In reply to Re: Tormenting myself... (longish), posted by gardenergirl on April 29, 2005, at 2:01:09


> I've done the steeling myself for a disclosure that I knew would be hard to hear before. Sometimes I was right on target, and othertimes, I didn't need to steel myself so much. But I think it's like what Dinah said...I think it's kind of a gathering and holding your focus in order to be prepared to respond therapeutically. It's an odd sensation, and I'm not at all surprised to hear that clients can sense it too.

Yeah, I can imagine it’s easy enough to guess at what’s coming next. Sometimes I wish I’d blindsided him, by interjecting the transference stuff into a discussion about work or something: “And I can’t get anything done because I love you and I think about you all the time.”

Manipulative? Me? :)

Tamar

 

Re: Tormenting myself... (longish) » Tamar

Posted by pinkeye on April 29, 2005, at 15:55:34

In reply to Re: Tormenting myself... (longish) » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on April 29, 2005, at 15:14:04

I am sorry my post made you cry.

That book is actually pretty good. I would really suggest it. I feel now if I had read it sometime back, I would have saved myself a lot of figuring out myself part. It is a pretty small book, so it is easy to read fast. And it only helps you recongize what you are feeling.. so you realize all the little twists your mind is capable of making due to transfernce - like how you caught mine yesterday. things like that. it is pretty useful

 

Re: Tormenting myself... (longish) » Tamar

Posted by gardenergirl on May 3, 2005, at 0:08:29

In reply to Re: Tormenting myself... (longish) » gardenergirl, posted by Tamar on April 29, 2005, at 15:39:14

Lol, maybe blindsiding would actually work, but what if he didn't catch it?

I can just see it..."I SAID I love you and blah blah blah!"

Wouldn't that be awkward? Watch T dance.

gg


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