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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on March 2, 2005, at 12:52:33
Why I desired my ex-T sexually, so very very much.
Because I saw in him, a sensitive man. A man who would never commit violence against a woman. I may have been wrong, but I felt he would never be violent with me. In fact, I felt he would be as loving as he was with me in the office. And whenever he was rejecting, it made me angry, because it seemed to prove to me that I was wrong, no one was capable of that much love, to commit to sex as though it were a loving act.
But why him?
I was married to a man who wanted nothing but to make me happy sexually. Because he was still very hurtful in many other ways.... that's the person he is, he was my father. In many ways Steve was the father I still needed. But he couldn't be the lover. And I somehow chose someone I wasn't incredibly sexually attracted to, either.
The man who raped me, I was sexually attracted to him. But that's just not the whole story. There's more. I have to run, I'm late for therapy (HAH!)
Posted by Susan47 on March 2, 2005, at 14:28:24
In reply to And Part of the Mystery Is Solved, posted by Susan47 on March 2, 2005, at 12:52:33
in therapy, it's so important.
I hope I've helped to build trust on both sides of the fence today, her with me and me with her. She knows how to ask the difficult questions, the ones I have to respond to no matter how much I don't want to, because if I don't she won't see me anymore, I'm sure of that. I'm so scared of how much my ex-T must hate me that I'm afraid to have her talk to him. I think he's going to be really judgemental, I mean, who wouldn't be completely grossed out by someone like me, so desperate and needy. I remember I was grossed out when it happened to me, therapists are no different from anybody else. I wish I were just projecting, but sadly, I am correct here, in this. It just makes a person feel so desperate, you know, to be so reviled.
It's like I raped MYSELF, you know. It's like a rape of me. Me, I raped myself in this relationship. Another interesting concept brought to you straight from the lap of a person who's completely f*cked up.
Posted by Susan47 on March 2, 2005, at 15:06:09
In reply to Building Trust, posted by Susan47 on March 2, 2005, at 14:28:24
I've played with myself, because I knew it would be beneficial. What I did was (head games are not always bad, by the way) I pretended, I gave myself the belief that he was reading all my posts. Or that there was the possibility he was doing that. And because I did that, and I went so far as to print off posts and bring them to him, I'll bet he has a dozen little snippets there that I mailed off at one time or another, because I did that I felt I had to be as honest as I could be with everything I said, and I felt motivated, really motivated, because I believed he was a good person. And today when I said he was a good person the new doctor wholeheartedly agreed, which is nice, but kind of painful too, because I still envy that T's wife her lovely position. I have to talk to the new T about that. Perhaps she can put it into perspective for me without squashing my sexual feelings. I need to feel sexual about myself, I need to feel that way so I don't cloak myself and ruin any chance of sexual fulfillment that I might still have.
Posted by Susan47 on March 2, 2005, at 15:09:09
In reply to Little Head Game, posted by Susan47 on March 2, 2005, at 15:06:09
No it's not about sex, that first sentence should be a real sentence continuing from the subject line. I'll be a little old lady before I learn to put together a proper sentence.
Posted by Dinah on March 2, 2005, at 18:46:58
In reply to Sheesh, what a dumb way to start that post, posted by Susan47 on March 2, 2005, at 15:09:09
You don't need to sign those forms, you know. I refused to sign any forms for my pdoc.
This is the end of the thread.
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