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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lifeworthliving on December 19, 2004, at 22:05:23
i'm better today than i have been since my last t appt on wed. i think i mentioned before that my t is on the other side of the world with her fam for xmas. i have all the numbers and can email at will, but managed to resist so far. i've now got enough time/tough on my side to consider that i might be ok to not email her at all. i wasn't sure if i wanted this (no contact) because i don't want her to know if i'm ok, or because i wanna mess with her, or maybe i want to see if she will initiate contact first? i'm pretty sure she thinks i will at least email, like i did last time she was gone. she has always been so thoughtful and kind so i'm not sure why all the juvenile craving to mess with her... make her wonder... never write. is this because i think i've got some power? it's the only way i can "hurt" her? oh what a mind mess this therapy thing can be. does anybody ever want to mess with their therapist? and what is it about? i've refused phone contact because it seemed like such a bother, nevermind the one time i consented i felt awkward... like the whole vacation had to stop so she could call some "what about bob" client, while all the others in her traveling party waited in the car, outside some nasty phone booth in a foreign country, so she could check in with some goof ball client that may or may not return to bulimic behavior in her absence. sometimes the whole thing seems so sick, others i wouldn't have it any other way, it feels so good. sigh. i do miss her and spend a lot of time thinking about her (hoping she is safe) and wondering if i shouldn't just write and get it over with. i know she thinks i will write, i do it all the time in life, for therapy, etc. and then i can't really be honest because i don't want to ruin her vacation. not that i have that power but i would never admit to having a hard time because that seems so worng. there is nothing she can do about it so i just write funny stuff, try to be entertaining and then pray like hell she writes enough in return to somehow sustain me. i dont know if i was weird before therapy, or if therapy is what made me weird?
Posted by littleone on December 19, 2004, at 23:12:07
In reply to 96 meals and counting..., posted by lifeworthliving on December 19, 2004, at 22:05:23
Hi lifeworthliving,
I need to write stuff out for my T for every session and I always feel better when something's down on paper, out of my head. If you don't want to bother your T on her holiday, you could always write stuff out for her and then just put it aside and give it to her when she gets back. That way you get the nasty stuff away from yourself. And you can write as much or as often as you like guilt free :)
Just an idea.
Posted by lonelygal on December 19, 2004, at 23:17:06
In reply to 96 meals and counting..., posted by lifeworthliving on December 19, 2004, at 22:05:23
aww, you sound like you are really struggling. i'm sorry you miss your t so much. from reading this board, i'm sure all of your ideas about 'messing' with her are perfectly normal and to be expected... the therapeutic relationship is so weird and confusing to begin with for so many of us...
in my opinion, though, if e-mail contact with your t will comfort you in any way, why fight it?
Posted by 10derheart on December 19, 2004, at 23:29:54
In reply to 96 meals and counting..., posted by lifeworthliving on December 19, 2004, at 22:05:23
I agree with lonelygal. I wouldn't fight the urge to email if it will relieve some really stressful emotions. You two sound securely attached and that is a good thing. I'll bet she'll even be relieved in her own way to hear from you.
And yes, your conflicting, "push-pull" feelings, thoughts of messing with her on purpose, etc., sound normal to me. I've had them at times and to different degrees. I have some now over my ex-T. I am still in touch with. With me, I know I am testing and testing to see if he's genuine, if he really will react in my best interest, over and over again. It's so frustrating to feel the need to keep doing that, I know. The best thing I know to do is to try to talk about those thoughts and feelings with her. Easier said than done, I know.
The relationship with a T. is so very complicated and hard to negotiate. Thank goodness for this group of folks here, who do understand. Sounds like you are really doing great dealing with her trip, though, and that's wonderful :)
Posted by lifeworthliving on December 19, 2004, at 23:49:15
In reply to Re: 96 meals and counting... » lifeworthliving, posted by 10derheart on December 19, 2004, at 23:29:54
i just don't feel the need to be in contact like i used to. progress? i was going to write because that's what i've always done... and i don't mind hearing from her, i love her and i miss her. then i thought later that i guess i don't really need to write as bad as i thought and maybe it would bug her if i don't, and that's what got me excited! i'm causing her some problem by not writing, and all these years i was sure my writing drove her nuts!!! writing has been a HUGE part of my work. i think she was resistant initially but i've heard enough about it later to know that it helped her to help me, etc. she got another chance to understand me, and sometimes another way, etc. then, i thought if i don't write she'll have proof that i don't need her, and i can't have that because, like dinah, i'm in it forever. the thought of being released on my own recognizence is more than i can bear. i think i know that leaving her someday is going to be ok (i wouldnt' have written this a year ago) but what i can't handle is thinking she might move and i wouldnt' be able to find her. is it appropriate for her to promise me that she won't move, leave or otherwise become available without making sure i know where to find her? i can't remember how exactly she said it but it was similar to making sure i know where to find her, that she would do what was within her power to keep me posted. and even if it's on the other side of the world. it was a relief. it used to cause me considerable worry. how would i always be able to live within two blocks of her office if i can't find it?
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