Shown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by crushedout on October 13, 2004, at 11:59:16
Things have been rough for me lately. I think this relationship I've been in is ending. It's been a source of comfort but lately it's more a source of pain and feeling strangled. I long to have domestic bliss and to be on a team with someone (other than my cat) but I just have never been able to find that someone. Makes me sad. (I do still wish it could be my T.)
I'm not sure how much therapy is supposed to help with all this. It doesn't help enough, it feels like, but I'm not sure my expectations are even realistic. I feel pretty hopeless about ever having what I want. Most of the time, I just feel eaten alive with envy for everyone (their homes, careers, marriages, families, or just contentment) which is just a horrible feeling. I don't like envy. It feels like it almost runs my life these days and not in a good way.
Anyway, I just wanted to share what's going on. I'm not sure I can expect to be helped with any of this.
I'm lost and alone. :(
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 13, 2004, at 13:22:08
In reply to envy, depression and hopelessness, posted by crushedout on October 13, 2004, at 11:59:16
((crushed)) you are not alone! You have us!
Can I ask how long you have been in therapy? Also, are you on medication? Forgive me if you have mentioned this before. I don't remember.
One of the hardest things I have had to deal with in therapy is my comparing myself to others as well as envy. This has been the hardest thing to get over. But after little over a year, I feel I am FINALLY getting a hold on this. It is possible to conquer.
Posted by Skittles on October 13, 2004, at 13:29:51
In reply to envy, depression and hopelessness, posted by crushedout on October 13, 2004, at 11:59:16
I am so sorry that you are feeling lost. But please know that you are not alone. WE are here for you and we care about how you are doing.
I think I might understand a little bit about the envy you feel. I've been there, especially when I was younger. As I've aged, I've come to realize that a lot of what I'd envied in other people was just a facade. Yes, there were aspects of these people's lives that I wanted, but they all had problems just like me. There is NOBODY out there with a *perfect* life. If someone tells you differently, they are lying (probably out of self-protection). From the outside, my life probably looks really great to people - I'm married to a man who loves me dearly, I live in a big house, I don't have to work, I get to spend a lot time with my family. But here's the *real deal* - marriage is a LOT of work and husbands are very often like children. My big house is filthy b/c I don't have the energy to clean it. I'm bored out of my mind and am nervous about looking for a job b/c I don't want it to interfere with therapy and I don't think I'm very marketable. My parents STILL emotionally abuse me, I have a dear cousin who is drug addicted and has been missing for months, and in truth, the family just doesn't get along all that well.
I'm not meaning to hijack and make it about me. I just wanted to help you see that things aren't always what the seem from the outside. I will be thinking about you. Keep posting here and let us support you b/c we care about you!
Posted by crushedout on October 13, 2004, at 13:50:08
In reply to Re: envy, depression and hopelessness, posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 13, 2004, at 13:22:08
Thanks, Miss Honey. I've been in therapy off and on for almost 20 years, but 2 1/2 years with this T. I've never felt so ready and willing to really work on stuff in therapy before, with any of my other Ts -- to be so honest. So in some ways this feels like the first time, and as you know, I'm not always sure I have the right T for the job.I'm on a low dose of Lexapro.
I just got up from a nap and now I'm going to work. Babysitting. It's actually a good way to have my spirits lifted, working with kids.
Posted by crushedout on October 13, 2004, at 21:00:52
In reply to Re: envy, depression and hopelessness » crushedout, posted by Skittles on October 13, 2004, at 13:29:51
Thanks, skittles. Your post was really helpful. I totally know you didn't hijack the thread -- it totally helps to hear the things you have and that life is still hard and painful and imperfect.I do know that nobody's life is perfect. It's just that I imagine that people are so much happier than me: with nicer homes, families, relationships, and stuff. I know the stuff part is weird but that's what I focus on. Also, order and cleanliness. And landlords that don't suck. (I'm having issues right now.)
The worst part for me is not really the stuff I lack but the fact that the little things (like jerky landlords) make me soooo crazy. That's what I really *should* be envious of: people's ability to let things slide off their backs. But I envy their carpets and artwork and furniture and neatness and space. What's up with that?
(These are basically rhetorical questions, although any thoughts are always appreciated.)
Posted by Daisym on October 14, 2004, at 10:05:00
In reply to Re: envy, depression and hopelessness » Skittles, posted by crushedout on October 13, 2004, at 21:00:52
Crushed,
I might be way off...but those material things you envy often represent security and success. There is nothing wrong with wanting nice things, but deep down, most of us want what goes with those things. I use to teach Childbirth education classes and every once in awhile a couple would come in that were so connected...like their spirits were in love almost. It made me so sad and I envied what they had. Not that I didn't have a husband, but that bliss...that closed circle these two people had created seemed so complete. It makes me ache still to think about that kind of all consuming, unconditional love.
It is rare. And I'm sure like all things, you have to work to keep it, once you find it.
I wonder if it isn't easier to let things roll off when most of your life is happy, because there is no space for the frustration and annoyance. When I'm unhappy, at least, everything is huge and everything is my fault or intentional.
I also think it is such a basic human need to be loved and nurtured by someone who doesn't demand that you reciprocate. But you reciprocate because you want to and you love this person too. I have to say that I see friends providing this kind of nurturing a lot more often for each other than spouses.
I guess I'm just thinking out loud this morning. I wish you happiness and love and nurturing. I'm sorry your current relationship is ending. It does hurt so be kind to yourself.
Post often if it helps you feel so not alone. I'm still here.
Posted by Annierose on October 14, 2004, at 11:11:35
In reply to Re: envy, depression and hopelessness » Skittles, posted by crushedout on October 13, 2004, at 21:00:52
Crushedout -
You need to know this: all (okay, 99%) landlords are jerks. It's in their job description.
I totally relate to the cleanliness, order thing. I can't even read bedtime stories to my daughter when her room is a complete MESS. I go crazy inside. Okay, I confess, a little crazy on the outside too. I give her my lecture, "how can you live like this? Clothes all over the floor? Papers everywhere? How can you study? ..." You get the ugly picture. My fantasy: have "Clean Sweep" come to my house. Although, if you asked the average person, they would say, "why, your house is so organized." If they only knew my desire to rid my house of STUFF on a constant basis. Is it a control issue? I'm not sure. I do know, when everything is in its place, I can relax. I smile. Now, I'm not compulsive, though this post may sound otherwise. I just go through these "I can't take it anymore" moments, when I go through the house like the wind.
Enough about me, sorry you are going through a tough time. And double sorry for all the landlords that I offended (but as a whole, they are a creepy group :)
Annie
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