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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on October 1, 2004, at 13:59:16
I feel weird bringing something up since I am so new, but this is the only place that I know I will be completely understood.
I am just hurting so much today!!!
It's mainly the typical day-after-therapy hurt, but it's much more intense today. I feel like I'm going to die before I get to see her again.
Posted by Aphrodite on October 1, 2004, at 14:28:00
In reply to Hurting, posted by LittleGirlLost on October 1, 2004, at 13:59:16
The full impact of my sessions usually hits me several hours afterward, and it feels like there will be no end. I always feel like I went through surgery but he forgot the stitches, and I am the walking wounded until I see him again.
Is there anything you can do to comfort yourself? If you're swirling in thoughts, can you write them down? It may help to get it out and contain it until your next session. And posting is obviously helpful for all of us.
I know what it feels like. Just take it moment by moment. Healing is very hard work.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on October 1, 2004, at 15:40:57
In reply to Re: Hurting » LittleGirlLost, posted by Aphrodite on October 1, 2004, at 14:28:00
Thank you for responding, Aphrodite. The following day is always bad, but this is so much more intense today. (I guess pms is partly to blame.) I don't even feel like I know how to comfort myself this time. I feel like a baby that cannot be consoled. I'm sorry to go on and on, but it huuuurts. I'm afraid to cry, and usually am not even in touch with any feelings, but they are so close to the surface now that it scares me too. Tomorrow I will probably be back to my good-ole numb self. I wish I could see T today; I might actually cry! (Although knowing me I'd be all straight faced and composed once I got there.)
Posted by Dinah on October 1, 2004, at 16:08:09
In reply to Re: Hurting, posted by LittleGirlLost on October 1, 2004, at 15:40:57
Do you have any rituals to help you out after therapy, or towards the end of therapy? I have a few that help me get back into real life mode. Sometimes they work better than others.
People have talked about visualizing using a box to contain the feelings. I usually get a splitting headache and keel over into a nap after an emotional session. After regular ones, I have some relaxation techniques.
Have you asked your therapist to teach you some things that will make it easier? Mine didn't address it directly, but our first work was with anxiety and relaxation techniques, so indirectly he gave me the tools I needed to cope between therapy.
Posted by Skittles on October 1, 2004, at 22:54:25
In reply to Hurting, posted by LittleGirlLost on October 1, 2004, at 13:59:16
Don't worry about bringing this up. It's a legitimate issue and I feel the same kind of pain myself. I've spent the past month simply surviving the days in between my appointments.
I'm sorry I have no words of wisdom for you. I just wanted you to know that you weren't out there alone feeling these things.
Posted by Daisym on October 2, 2004, at 13:11:31
In reply to Re: Hurting, posted by LittleGirlLost on October 1, 2004, at 15:40:57
>>>I'm afraid to cry, and usually am not even in touch with any feelings, but they are so close to the surface now that it scares me too<<<<<
Which is probably why you are hurting so much. My therapist would ask, "what would happen if you let yourself cry? What are you afraid of?" And I almost always answer that I'm afraid I won't stop. Or I'm afraid to give into all of this. But mostly I'm just afraid of crying because it was so forbidden when I was a child.And crying alone really stinks. So maybe you feel the need for your therapist to know about your tears, to know you are hurting and to know that therapy is opening up a wound that bleeds between sessions.
When I started therapy, I would fall apart about 4 hours after sessions. I wrote tons about that here, looking for ways to force it to happen during sessions. I never did figure out a way to force that. Sometimes we touch on really tender spots and I can get those feelings up and out right then and there. But usually I get whammied later. Someone here wrote that this was probably a good thing, because if you were overwhelmed with the feeling in session, you couldn't talk and you couldn't hear. And then you couldn't heal. I've hung on to that.
All that said, it really does help to figure out what you can do with these raw feelings in between. I write, here and in my journal and emails. (and I write and write and write.) I also read, especially case studies. My therapist teases me about looking for the answer in a book. It's true! I also clean house like crazy and bake when the anxiety is really high. There is something soothing about cinnamon in the air. (Yes, I have a coffee cake in right now. My teens love this.)
And, yes, I'm going to tell you to call her and tell her what you wrote. Or at least bring it to the next session. Because this is important. You don't want to be hurting so much that you resist opening up even further, because you don't want to hurt so much...it can be a bad spiral.
Hugs help too. Even Cyber-hugs.
(((LittleGirlLost)))
Posted by LittleGirlLost on October 2, 2004, at 18:42:13
In reply to Re: Hurting » LittleGirlLost, posted by Dinah on October 1, 2004, at 16:08:09
Thanks Dinah. I don't really have any rituals, but she did give me something off her shelf one day, so I at least have that at home.
I like the idea of putting the feelings in a box, but sometimes I just have a hard time with that. The day after a session is the worst for me. Each day gets a little better (feelings are numb and inaccessible) until it's therapy day again and the cycle starts all over again. <sigh> There's got to be a better way!
Posted by LittleGirlLost on October 2, 2004, at 18:44:28
In reply to Re: Hurting » LittleGirlLost, posted by Skittles on October 1, 2004, at 22:54:25
Thanks Skittles. It helps just knowing there are people who understand.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on October 2, 2004, at 19:04:34
In reply to Re: Hurting » LittleGirlLost, posted by Daisym on October 2, 2004, at 13:11:31
> Which is probably why you are hurting so much. My therapist would ask, "what would happen if you let yourself cry? What are you afraid of?" And I almost always answer that I'm afraid I won't stop. Or I'm afraid to give into all of this. But mostly I'm just afraid of crying because it was so forbidden when I was a child.
>
> And crying alone really stinks. So maybe you feel the need for your therapist to know about your tears, to know you are hurting and to know that therapy is opening up a wound that bleeds between sessions.
>
> When I started therapy, I would fall apart about 4 hours after sessions. I wrote tons about that here, looking for ways to force it to happen during sessions. I never did figure out a way to force that. Sometimes we touch on really tender spots and I can get those feelings up and out right then and there. But usually I get whammied later. Someone here wrote that this was probably a good thing, because if you were overwhelmed with the feeling in session, you couldn't talk and you couldn't hear. And then you couldn't heal. I've hung on to that.
>
> All that said, it really does help to figure out what you can do with these raw feelings in between. I write, here and in my journal and emails. (and I write and write and write.) I also read, especially case studies. My therapist teases me about looking for the answer in a book. It's true! I also clean house like crazy and bake when the anxiety is really high. There is something soothing about cinnamon in the air. (Yes, I have a coffee cake in right now. My teens love this.)
>
> And, yes, I'm going to tell you to call her and tell her what you wrote. Or at least bring it to the next session. Because this is important. You don't want to be hurting so much that you resist opening up even further, because you don't want to hurt so much...it can be a bad spiral.
>
> Hugs help too. Even Cyber-hugs.
>
> (((LittleGirlLost)))Thanks Daisym, and thanks for the hugs too. :)
I can relate to so much of what you said here. Being afraid that I'll never stop crying, I'm also afraid of looking stupid (which is kinda funny since I think people who cry in front of me are beautiful)... and also what you said about it being forbidden as a child. For me, crying also meant more hurt (physical), so I guess it makes sense.And like you said I get whammied later, because of course when I am there I don't have ANY feelings. I like what you said about therapy being an open wound that bleeds between sessions; that is exactly how it feels! And you are right, I should tell her this. She knows I struggle, but I always have a hard time admitting just how much.
You brought up another interesting point that I didn't quite realize on my own. I end up hurting so much that I resist opening up further, because I just don't want to hurt any more than I already will be.
This much I do know... it's all around mother issues; and that's what I'm also afraid to tell her (although again, I know she has a hunch). There's so much... I can go on and on, but I'll stop for now. I do have an extra/emergency session scheduled for Monday, so we'll see. I wrote something a month ago and have brought it with me every week, but have not had the courage to let her read it. Partially because I'm embarrassed and afraid of my reaction, but partly because it's bad enough that I feel like I'm going to die between sessions, I don't need this making it worse. So I am getting myself prepared to have her read it on Monday this way I hope to have some comfort in knowing I will be seeing her on our regular day as well.
LittleGirlLost
Posted by daisym on October 2, 2004, at 20:10:18
In reply to Re: Hurting » Daisym, posted by LittleGirlLost on October 2, 2004, at 19:04:34
There is something so profoundly primitive about mother issues. And yet, we so need to protect them. Is it because we think if we protect them they will FINALLY notice and love us for it? Or, is it because we don't want anyone else to see that we are so flawed that even our own mother didn't love us/protect us? (OK, my own issues here). And mother's who hurt us, well, how do you admit that??
I'm glad you've got your courage bulked up. Keep telling yourself that the anxiety of should I/shouldn't I? is worse than whatever you imagine her reaction will be. Your therapist will want to know everything that worries you and this sounds like a really big thing. As far as your reaction, maybe you'll feel during the session!
I found that being able to dump something out there and then having a session close by to process it, made it safer to let some of this out.
I'll be interested to hear how it goes. Another incentive for you to carry through on your resolve!
Posted by LittleGirlLost on October 4, 2004, at 14:55:05
In reply to Re: Hurting » LittleGirlLost, posted by daisym on October 2, 2004, at 20:10:18
>Or, is it because we don't want anyone else to see that we are so flawed that even our own mother didn't love us/protect us? (OK, my own issues here). And mother's who hurt us, well, how do you admit that??
EXACTLY! I mean, how can anybody else love/protect me when my own mother didn't. I always thought that was the strongest bond in the world! Talk about feeling like a reject!
>As far as your reaction, maybe you'll feel during the session!Yikes!!! But that's also what I'm afraid of.
> I'll be interested to hear how it goes. Another incentive for you to carry through on your resolve!Good point. Thanks :)
LittleGirlLost
Posted by Daisym on October 5, 2004, at 0:29:40
In reply to Re: Hurting, posted by LittleGirlLost on October 4, 2004, at 14:55:05
Posted by LittleGirlLost on October 5, 2004, at 8:37:19
In reply to So, did you give it to her? (nm) » LittleGirlLost, posted by Daisym on October 5, 2004, at 0:29:40
I did... It was a good session, but weird/different. She is concerned about some emails she received (in a childlike fashion) that I wasn't aware of sending. I just don't even know what to make of all of that! The problem is that I still can't cry, and on the inside that's all I feel like. So I don't know how else to express how much I'm hurting. I mean she knows, and knows I have trouble leaving, but it's so much more that I don't know how to articulate. I'm glad that I'm seeing her again on Thursday, but I still hurt again today... and I can't get used to seeing her 2x/week because I can't afford it.
Please tell me, I know these feelings are "normal", but is it normal to be this extreme?
LGL
Posted by daisym on October 5, 2004, at 13:52:21
In reply to Re: So, did you give it to her? » Daisym, posted by LittleGirlLost on October 5, 2004, at 8:37:19
I'm so glad you followed through. You were very brave!
And yes, the extreme is normal. When you let this stuff out, the old feelings of NEEDING SOMEONE to help you/save you/comfort you, come out too. And the person saying they will do this for you is your therapist. So OF COURSE you want/need to see her more.
It is tough, because it does get expensive. There are ways to have more sessions approved by the insurance company, but your therapist has to go to bat for you. And it doesn't always work.
In the meantime, I think writing down what you would want to say is one way to feel her presence and support. And keep posting here. It really does help.
Posted by sunny10 on October 6, 2004, at 14:48:26
In reply to Re: Hurting, posted by LittleGirlLost on October 4, 2004, at 14:55:05
Your boardname says it all. I wonder how many of us suffered at the hands of our mothers? And, more interestingly, how many of us do you think were indeed raised by an undiagnosed bipolar mother?
So much is genetic, so much is environmental (notice how even that word has "mental" at the end??!!)
But LittleGirlLost, it is time for you to allow yourself to be found. IMO, it is a great thing that you are posting these feelings on the board. People like us who can empathize with you will listen to you- no matter how WEIRD you THINK you're sounding. We've all been there. And finding yourself is the key- your T doesn't know where (how deep)you've hidden yourself- but we do. Think of the board as supplimental, free, therapy!
Keep your chin up- there are lots of us out here who DO understand you- just the way you are.
Posted by littlegirllost on October 8, 2004, at 11:56:21
In reply to Re: So, did you give it to her? » LittleGirlLost, posted by daisym on October 5, 2004, at 13:52:21
> And yes, the extreme is normal. When you let this stuff out, the old feelings of NEEDING SOMEONE to help you/save you/comfort you, come out too. And the person saying they will do this for you is your therapist. So OF COURSE you want/need to see her more.
===
And will the feelings really lessen if I keep talking about them, rather than try to deny them? I'm just afraid to go futher... I feel like I'm digging my own hole.> It is tough, because it does get expensive. There are ways to have more sessions approved by the insurance company, but your therapist has to go to bat for you. And it doesn't always work.
===
Well, I'm paying myself so there is no insurance involved. I guess that's good so I don't have to worry about a limit, but at the same time even her sliding scale gets expensive since financially I am barely getting by as it is.
I had to see her twice this week, and it did make it a little easier emotionally, but I just can't afford it. And trust me, I will do anything to be able to afford it, but there are no corners to cut anymore. I'm looking for a 2nd job now, but it's hard to wait for that when I know I need the help now.In fact when I was leaving last night, she asked me what I wanted to do about next week. (Meaning did I want to come twice again.) I just smiled and said I'd see her on Thursday. Obviously I want to come on Monday again, but I have trouble admitting that I just can't afford it. I wish I could have. Maybe she'd have a solution. But I don't like to talk about money, and especially not admit when I cant afford something. I feel like such a failure. (Maybe I should have made another thread for this part?)
LGL
Posted by littlegirllost on October 8, 2004, at 12:02:13
In reply to Re: Hurting, LittleGirlLost, posted by sunny10 on October 6, 2004, at 14:48:26
> Your boardname says it all.
Thanks! What's weird is that I didn't even think about it when I registered; it just came to me.
> But LittleGirlLost, it is time for you to allow yourself to be found.
Interesting you should say that. My T recently began receiving emails from a child part of me that I am not/was not even are of. (I don't know what to make of this all yet.)
> IMO, it is a great thing that you are posting these feelings on the board. People like us who can empathize with you will listen to you- no matter how WEIRD you THINK you're sounding. We've all been there. And finding yourself is the key- your T doesn't know where (how deep)you've hidden yourself- but we do. Think of the board as supplimental, free, therapy!
>
> Keep your chin up- there are lots of us out here who DO understand you- just the way you are.Thanks.... That means so much to me! I have friends who are also in therapy, but I can't even talk about this with them, because it's not something they understand or experience. Which adds to me feeling weird! I'm so glad to have found a place where people DO understand. And like I said in my first post... I've been reading here for a few years and was amazed to see how many people were like me with all of this. :)
LGL
Posted by daisym on October 8, 2004, at 18:20:42
In reply to Re: So, did you give it to her? » daisym, posted by littlegirllost on October 8, 2004, at 11:56:21
The money issue is touchy for most of us I think. At least for me, I don't want to demand yet another thing from my therapist. But I think the idea of paying someone to listen to you is still touchy and sets off so many sensitive feelings that don't match our intellect.
I think it would be OK to say, "I'd love to come but I can't afford it." She may or may not have a solution for you, but at least she knows the truth about your needs.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on October 12, 2004, at 14:53:58
In reply to Money -- Urrg! » littlegirllost, posted by daisym on October 8, 2004, at 18:20:42
> The money issue is touchy for most of us I think. At least for me, I don't want to demand yet another thing from my therapist. But I think the idea of paying someone to listen to you is still touchy and sets off so many sensitive feelings that don't match our intellect.
>
> I think it would be OK to say, "I'd love to come but I can't afford it." She may or may not have a solution for you, but at least she knows the truth about your needs.
>Yes I hate talking about money! Not only because of the reality that we are paying them for what they do, but for some reason I feel like I failure when I can't afford something. (Not sure where that came from?)
When I left last week, I just sensed that she was offering me both days; but I just played dumb and said see you Thursday. Maybe I will address this with her this week. If I could, I'd love to go twice a week, and considering all these feelings I have when I leave, I think it would be quite helpful for me to go more often. It's funny because even she says that once, or even twice a week isn't much, and tells me how years ago people would go 5 days. Ahhh if only I could go 5 days!!LGL
Posted by sunny10 on October 14, 2004, at 14:49:10
In reply to Re: Money -- Urrg! » daisym, posted by LittleGirlLost on October 12, 2004, at 14:53:58
really funny because I was just thinking about this last night and this morning. Paying for the chiropractor three times a week, my son's therapist once a week, my therapist every two weeks, the pdocs every month-- yeah, thank God they are co-pay, I'm insured, but STILL, paying for these appts is causing me to be even more stressed out and depressed !
Glad to hear others feeling the same way !
Posted by Dinah on October 14, 2004, at 21:01:31
In reply to Re: Money -- Urrg! » daisym, posted by LittleGirlLost on October 12, 2004, at 14:53:58
My therapist wants to see me a minimum of three times a week for a while. And I can't afford two, as I've been too ill to work much the last month, and I've nothing in savings.
My husband says to schedule what I need, and he'll pay for it, but I feel like I'm taking advantage of him or something.
Posted by TofuEmmy on October 14, 2004, at 22:42:39
In reply to Re: Money -- Urrg!, posted by Dinah on October 14, 2004, at 21:01:31
Dinah - If you were being treated for cancer, our wonderful health care system would pay for your treatment. Since your battle is with mental health issues, tough taters I guess. :-/
But, as you and I know, depression can kill, same as cancer. You've been posting so much about suicide lately. Your Babble family is worried. I'm worried. Please, as much as possible, let hubby deal with the money issue. You concentrate on healing and regaining your strength. Hugs. emmy
Posted by Dinah on October 14, 2004, at 23:07:07
In reply to Screw the money » Dinah, posted by TofuEmmy on October 14, 2004, at 22:42:39
Thanks Emmy. And I am sorry for being stuck in a thinking rut. I don't mean to worry anyone. I'm really hoping the Luvox will work like it did last time. Very numbing.
It just seems like a lot of the "help" you can get end up causing more troubles that you then have to deal with. I suppose if my husband is willing, I should take him up on it. It's cheaper than a hospital stay.
Posted by TofuEmmy on October 14, 2004, at 23:31:01
In reply to Re: Screw the money » TofuEmmy, posted by Dinah on October 14, 2004, at 23:07:07
Dinah, don't go apologizing for using babble appropriately. I think I just wanted to make sure you knew that you were heard, and that even people who don't post much, truly care about you. I'll bet there are a bunch of lurkers out there right now who have never posted, who are worried about you too. You are person who is easy to care about. :-)
emmy
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