Posted by LittleGirlLost on October 2, 2004, at 19:04:34
In reply to Re: Hurting » LittleGirlLost, posted by Daisym on October 2, 2004, at 13:11:31
> Which is probably why you are hurting so much. My therapist would ask, "what would happen if you let yourself cry? What are you afraid of?" And I almost always answer that I'm afraid I won't stop. Or I'm afraid to give into all of this. But mostly I'm just afraid of crying because it was so forbidden when I was a child.
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> And crying alone really stinks. So maybe you feel the need for your therapist to know about your tears, to know you are hurting and to know that therapy is opening up a wound that bleeds between sessions.
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> When I started therapy, I would fall apart about 4 hours after sessions. I wrote tons about that here, looking for ways to force it to happen during sessions. I never did figure out a way to force that. Sometimes we touch on really tender spots and I can get those feelings up and out right then and there. But usually I get whammied later. Someone here wrote that this was probably a good thing, because if you were overwhelmed with the feeling in session, you couldn't talk and you couldn't hear. And then you couldn't heal. I've hung on to that.
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> All that said, it really does help to figure out what you can do with these raw feelings in between. I write, here and in my journal and emails. (and I write and write and write.) I also read, especially case studies. My therapist teases me about looking for the answer in a book. It's true! I also clean house like crazy and bake when the anxiety is really high. There is something soothing about cinnamon in the air. (Yes, I have a coffee cake in right now. My teens love this.)
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> And, yes, I'm going to tell you to call her and tell her what you wrote. Or at least bring it to the next session. Because this is important. You don't want to be hurting so much that you resist opening up even further, because you don't want to hurt so much...it can be a bad spiral.
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> Hugs help too. Even Cyber-hugs.
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> (((LittleGirlLost)))Thanks Daisym, and thanks for the hugs too. :)
I can relate to so much of what you said here. Being afraid that I'll never stop crying, I'm also afraid of looking stupid (which is kinda funny since I think people who cry in front of me are beautiful)... and also what you said about it being forbidden as a child. For me, crying also meant more hurt (physical), so I guess it makes sense.And like you said I get whammied later, because of course when I am there I don't have ANY feelings. I like what you said about therapy being an open wound that bleeds between sessions; that is exactly how it feels! And you are right, I should tell her this. She knows I struggle, but I always have a hard time admitting just how much.
You brought up another interesting point that I didn't quite realize on my own. I end up hurting so much that I resist opening up further, because I just don't want to hurt any more than I already will be.
This much I do know... it's all around mother issues; and that's what I'm also afraid to tell her (although again, I know she has a hunch). There's so much... I can go on and on, but I'll stop for now. I do have an extra/emergency session scheduled for Monday, so we'll see. I wrote something a month ago and have brought it with me every week, but have not had the courage to let her read it. Partially because I'm embarrassed and afraid of my reaction, but partly because it's bad enough that I feel like I'm going to die between sessions, I don't need this making it worse. So I am getting myself prepared to have her read it on Monday this way I hope to have some comfort in knowing I will be seeing her on our regular day as well.
LittleGirlLost
poster:LittleGirlLost
thread:397934
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041002/msgs/398363.html