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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Klokka on August 12, 2004, at 14:25:56
As I've posted elsewhere, my pdoc is currently on a month-long vacation. It's been two weeks now since our last appointment. Last week was okay because I spoke with him by phone to reschedule our next appointment. It ended up being earlier than planned, so I guess I can't complain about that! After that I was actually a bit relieved to have a break from therapy.
Last night for some reason I was feeling very insecure all of a sudden. I guess it was because I had my college orientation yesterday; a lot of things in my life are changing and I can't not face it now. (It's worse because most of my high school teachers were wonderful and I turned to many of them for support.) Part of that was feeling like my pdoc just... didn't exist, like nobody who was really there for me could be anything but a figment of my imagination.
Some background info here: I stumbled across two essays my pdoc wrote when I did a search on him shortly after starting therapy. (I had mixed first impressions; mostly felt like I could trust him but he reminded me of someone else and so seemed a bit creepy. I wanted so badly to back out, too - "I don't need this!" - so I went looking for something incriminating which would let me off the hook.) I printed them out when he left for two weeks in April when I was doing very poorly - his "voice" carries over so well into writing so it was for comfort. It really did help. I wanted to look over them again last night, but it was late and I couldn't get to them without making a lot of noise. So I went looking for them online, but couldn't find them.
I stumbled across a message board my pdoc had posted on, though, and figured the post should suffice in reassuring me that yes, he does exist and is coming back. He was asking about a technique presented in a recent conference or something like that, and presented some examples. I wasn't reading for content, but for phrasing and such, so I was halfway through one before it started to sound familiar - extremely familiar. At this point I went "Oh, this might have something helpful for me" and started paying more attention. Big mistake. After some very telling details, I realized that the example sounded so familiar because it was about me! CREEPY! I sooo wish I wasn't sure about this, but the details are too exact. It's so surreal.
Anyway, I guess it helped because it jolted me out of the hole I was sinking into, reassured me that yeah, I have a pdoc, and made him seem a bit more genuine in his claims that he sometimes doesn't know what to do, but I'm totally freaked out about this. I felt like I was about to have a heart attack when I first saw it! It's just so... I don't know. I wasn't expecting anything like this at all, and I feel like I've really been intrusive. I don't know how to deal with it.
Anybody been through something similar or have any advice? I realize I have to tell him about this, because otherwise I'll spend our sessions looking at him like he has three heads, but I don't know how to without sounding like some crazed stalker. I know that things like this aren't all that unusual among therapy patients, but I don't know how he will react. (Then again, usually I expect him to get angry and yell when I disclose something difficult, but he always reacts very well.) At least I can reassure him that, after finding something like that, I won't be doing it again! It was way too creepy! I'm trying to figure out a way to explain WHY I would have done the search in the first place to make it sound less, well, creepy. Any ideas?
Hope this has been halfway clear. I haven't been able to think straight to save my life today. I just feel like curling up in a corner and never being seen by anyone, least of all my pdoc, again. Hopefully I can get over that in the next month, or else there might be problems. I just really needed to vent - it's so weird!
Posted by lucy stone on August 12, 2004, at 15:05:31
In reply to Found something REALLY creepy, posted by Klokka on August 12, 2004, at 14:25:56
I haven't been through anything like this and I don't want to dis your pdoc, but I think what he did was wrong. If he was going to post on an internet message board possible open to his patients, he should have made sure that the details were changed enough that the patient (you) could not identify herself. If he couldn't do that he should have sought private consultation. I think you should tell him what you found, perhaps print out the post, and ask him about it. You have feelings around this issue and he should explore them with you.
Posted by Klokka on August 12, 2004, at 15:46:14
In reply to Re: Found something REALLY creepy, posted by lucy stone on August 12, 2004, at 15:05:31
Hi, just wanted to thank you for posting. I can't respond right now because my attempts at doing so keep dragging up some really painful feelings about a bunch of other things, and I am not in a safe situation with which to deal with that at all. My fault for not having predicted how I might react. I guess I was mostly looking for support but felt okay enough to ask for advice in dealing with it when he gets back - I guess that could've waited 'til later. Sorry for not realizing, and I'll try to reply once things calm down a bit. I need to think more before I post, I guess.
To anyone else responding, can you please take the above into account? I know I should've realized how I would react and it's my fault and I'm sorry, it's just that I really overestimated my ability to stay calm today.
Posted by shortelise on August 12, 2004, at 17:08:53
In reply to Re: Found something REALLY creepy, posted by Klokka on August 12, 2004, at 15:46:14
I'm sorry you ran into this on the net. It would have upset me too. BUT! Here's the really great thing- your T uses the resources at his disposal for assistance. He doesn't just sit in his own head, thinking there's nothing he doesn't know.
Many therapists consult others. It is the most normal thing to do. That he did not use a secure site, well, y'know, such is life... he made a mistake. Sounds like your T is a human being.I don't know what you read, and don't know how long it will be until you see your T again, but in the meantime, could you take a breath? This does not negate your good relationship with him. That relationship still exists, and has not changed. He is still there for you, he is still your T and still a strong support for you. That is all in place, right? No sense on throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I like your T, from what you wrote.
What I find so intriguing is that you will now be able to talk with your T about yourself from a different perspective - you know, from what he wrote, something more about what's going on is his mind regarding you. That could make for a big leap forward in your therapy, couldn't it?
Could you concentrate on doing the good things for yourself for a while? Walk, sing, write, do whatever makes you feel better. When my T goes on vacation can also be a vacation from the hard work I do in therapy. Ah...
You say this is "your fault". Is that fair. It just happened and why assign fault?
I send you lots of warm thoughts. I hope what I've written is ok, and that you can be very nice to yourself until you have resolved this with your therapist.ShortE
Posted by Klokka on August 12, 2004, at 18:02:32
In reply to ok » Klokka, posted by shortelise on August 12, 2004, at 17:08:53
I'll try and focus more on the positives to him having written it/me having found it. It is reassuring to know he seeks assistance when needed, and to have proof that he actually does think about what he's doing and care about his patients to some extent. It was just a bit of a shock, and when I realized the possibility of something wrong having been done, I freaked out, thinking for sure he would refuse to see me once I told him, or it would mean he wasn't trustworthy after all, etc. (That was what happened with the last post, which I made because I just couldn't entertain the idea calmly, and still can't.)
I guess it comes down to my feeling intrusive. Even though everything I've found was public (and always something he put up on the web himself,) I still feel like I've crossed some major boundary and that he'll hate me for it. It's worse now because I still feel the need for some connection, some reassurance that he's there, but I feel horrible about seeking any. I don't know how much sense it makes, given that he suggests frequently that I don't depend enough on others, but I'm still so afraid. It also isn't the only way the therapy seems uncertain; I recently had reason to fear my college schedule would interfere, and as it stands I can only see him once every two weeks for sure. The same problem is going to come up again in the second semester. And because he's a child psychiatrist and I turn 18 next year, I won't be able to see him after that for sure.
It should be interesting to bring up the contents of what I found once I manage to tell him that I found it at all. Very little of what he wrote surprised me, except that he seemed to take it more seriously than I thought (which was good to see, because I've thought for so long that he thinks what's going on is very minor and has just been waiting for me to try meds or whatnot... it's hard to be honest under those circumstances) and seems to have missed a few things, by my omission or otherwise. It should be helpful if he doesn't react poorly to what happened.
I'll try and calm down in the meantime. I'm working on writing right now - actually about some past therapy sessions which is oddly reassuring. I find baking soothing, too, so I'm going to go do that in a while. Tennis is always good for tiring me out, so I'll see when I can beg a friend into playing. Thanks for the support and for giving some positive things to look at about the situation. This whole situation still strikes me as really bizarre.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 12, 2004, at 18:45:56
In reply to Re: ok » shortelise, posted by Klokka on August 12, 2004, at 18:02:32
Sweetie,
I am continually impressed by your strength and wisdom for someone your age. I'm sorry that you had such a shock. I know I would too. Anybody would. That is such a bizarre thing to have happened. But it is not your fault. I can see why you might feel that way, since you were looking for him on the internet, but lots and lots of clients do that. And it's not because they are some crazy stalker or are too ill...it's because they need a connection to their T beyond therapy. Considering he's on vacation, this makes perfect sense to me.Still, I can't say that I have known anyone else who had the same experience...lucky you, right? Your feelings are bound to be complicated, and may swing back and forth. Please take care. Just try to exist in whatever place you are at the moment and breathe.
And we are here for you. Writing and baking sound like good plans. What are you baking? Yummy I'm sure.
Take care,
gg
Posted by shortelise on August 12, 2004, at 21:42:07
In reply to Re: ok » shortelise, posted by Klokka on August 12, 2004, at 18:02:32
Klokka, I really really don't think that there is any therapist on this green earth who is unaware that we look for their names on the net. It is as natural as breathing. I do not think you invaded his privacy, and I would be compltely astonished if he thinks you did.
I did exactly the same thing several years ago when my doc was on vacation and discovered he is a poet. I told him about it, and it really was a leap forward for us. In fact, I wrote a short story about it, and through it "explored" lots of feelings I really needed to. He read the story, and it was just great.
Take care.
Oh, and by the way, are you absolutely certain your doc won't see you after you turn 18? Have you talked about it?
ShortE
Posted by Klokka on August 12, 2004, at 23:11:37
In reply to Re: ok » Klokka, posted by gardenergirl on August 12, 2004, at 18:45:56
Hi gg,
Especially after recent events I can't really see myself as either strong or wise at all, even taking age into account, but it's comforting to hear all the same. Thank you. It is such a shock. I mean, what are the odds? I wasn't even clicking on every link that came up! And I can't know for sure but suspect that he easily has one or two dozen patients with much more complicated situations. I feel like I'm in one of my bizarro dreams and it just won't end.Writing has helped a bunch. I think I might address something to him while I'm feeling like I really, really want to tell him, both to help me get over it for the moment and to prepare in case I look at my calendar, see our next session coming ever closer and decide, "No WAY is he going to find out!" I'm getting out tomorrow, too, for school stuff, and hope to visit my old school and be able to tell my writing teacher about what happened - he's heard most of my therapy stories by now, so it's practically tradition. And baking helped me to calm down a lot. I feel pretty low, but am not freaking out like I was earlier. I made scones, and they turned out pretty well. :) Hopefully I'm through the worst of this, but who knows? This month is shaping up to be a hectic one.
Posted by Klokka on August 12, 2004, at 23:40:20
In reply to Re: ok » Klokka, posted by shortelise on August 12, 2004, at 21:42:07
Hi ShortE,
I guess I just figure he mostly works with younger patients and so it wouldn't come up as much. I'm not sure I know why I feel guilty about this all of a sudden - I was never exactly proud of it, but accepted that having something to remind me of him was helpful and if he didn't want one of his patients potentially accessing it, he probably shouldn't have put it there. Maybe I'm dealing with this differently because, unlike the writing I found at first, which was on his own site and ridiculously easy to find, the board was considerably more "private" since few apart from mental health professionals who knew of at least the institute hosting the conference would end up there. We haven't talked about anything like this at all, so I don't know how he'll react.I hope I can judge from past experience, because last time I had something to say to him but felt like it was too difficult, he reacted very, very well. (Actually, to make this even more creepy, I suspect one of the things he did which lead to that discomfort had something to do with that same conference.) Though that was a "I want to trust you, but feel like I can't because _____" sort of thing, so I don't know how that would apply to this.
Glad to hear the situation with your doc then turned out so well. That's really cool. :)
I'm not 100% certain that I will have to stop seeing him when I turn 18, but very close to that. We have discussed it, but I've never mentioned him, specifically, only "the clinic." He doesn't spend all of his time working there (after trying to plan my courses around his schedule, believe me, I know!) but I highly doubt that he is in a situation where he would be able to treat me outside that particular clinic. But I guess we'll see, since the topic does have to come up soon - I want to know well in advance whether he can provide me with a reference so that I have time to make a smoother transition.
Posted by Klokka on August 14, 2004, at 0:25:00
In reply to Re: Found something REALLY creepy, posted by lucy stone on August 12, 2004, at 15:05:31
Hi, and sorry for not being able to respond earlier. It wasn't anything you wrote, just that the possibility of my pdoc having done something wrong hit me the wrong way at that time and I hadn't anticipated it when I started the thread. At any rate, now that I've had time to calm down, look at the situation and figure out what he was posting there for in the first place, I've found out that he probably couldn't have sought consultation for this particular question elsewhere and (more importantly) may not have had the slightest clue that his words would end up being publically available, much less that a patient (especially the one in question) would come across them! Just an honest mistake, it seems. It's reassuring, at least, and that'll help until I can tell him what happened.
Posted by lucy stone on August 14, 2004, at 8:46:27
In reply to Re: Found something REALLY creepy » lucy stone, posted by Klokka on August 14, 2004, at 0:25:00
I am sorry I caused a problem for you. I should have thought more carefully about how to phrase what I wanted to say. I didn't think about why the effect my words could have on you. I should not have posted that he did something wrong, because as you say he did not anticipate that his words might be available to the public. As you say, it was a mistake rather than deliberately wrong action. I think he needs to know that you saw them, and whoever sponsored the forum also needs to know. Finding them on the internet caused you pain and difficulty while he was away, and I am very sure he would not want that to happen. People google their Ts all the time, you did nothing wrong by doing that. I think that young people are especially likely to do that because they as so comfortable with computers. Since he treats young people it is something he and his professional group need to be very careful about.
Posted by Klokka on August 14, 2004, at 12:18:01
In reply to Re: Found something REALLY creepy, posted by lucy stone on August 14, 2004, at 8:46:27
Don't worry about it, I hadn't really anticipated how what others might say would effect me, either. When I posted, I was feeling pretty stable apart from the shock, which is why I asked for advice I later wasn't able to absorb right away. At any rate, when he gets back from vacation (our next session is Sept 7th) I think I'll try telling him with the intent of, as you said, letting him know that his words could potentially be accessed by patients. That'll make it easier, because I'm already starting to want to say nothing at all about it. Maybe I'll just resort to writing a letter and finding something interesting in his office to stare at while he reads it like the last time something happened and I wasn't comfortable talking about it. At least next session will be interesting, LOL. Thanks for your input.
This is the end of the thread.
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