Posted by Klokka on August 12, 2004, at 14:25:56
As I've posted elsewhere, my pdoc is currently on a month-long vacation. It's been two weeks now since our last appointment. Last week was okay because I spoke with him by phone to reschedule our next appointment. It ended up being earlier than planned, so I guess I can't complain about that! After that I was actually a bit relieved to have a break from therapy.
Last night for some reason I was feeling very insecure all of a sudden. I guess it was because I had my college orientation yesterday; a lot of things in my life are changing and I can't not face it now. (It's worse because most of my high school teachers were wonderful and I turned to many of them for support.) Part of that was feeling like my pdoc just... didn't exist, like nobody who was really there for me could be anything but a figment of my imagination.
Some background info here: I stumbled across two essays my pdoc wrote when I did a search on him shortly after starting therapy. (I had mixed first impressions; mostly felt like I could trust him but he reminded me of someone else and so seemed a bit creepy. I wanted so badly to back out, too - "I don't need this!" - so I went looking for something incriminating which would let me off the hook.) I printed them out when he left for two weeks in April when I was doing very poorly - his "voice" carries over so well into writing so it was for comfort. It really did help. I wanted to look over them again last night, but it was late and I couldn't get to them without making a lot of noise. So I went looking for them online, but couldn't find them.
I stumbled across a message board my pdoc had posted on, though, and figured the post should suffice in reassuring me that yes, he does exist and is coming back. He was asking about a technique presented in a recent conference or something like that, and presented some examples. I wasn't reading for content, but for phrasing and such, so I was halfway through one before it started to sound familiar - extremely familiar. At this point I went "Oh, this might have something helpful for me" and started paying more attention. Big mistake. After some very telling details, I realized that the example sounded so familiar because it was about me! CREEPY! I sooo wish I wasn't sure about this, but the details are too exact. It's so surreal.
Anyway, I guess it helped because it jolted me out of the hole I was sinking into, reassured me that yeah, I have a pdoc, and made him seem a bit more genuine in his claims that he sometimes doesn't know what to do, but I'm totally freaked out about this. I felt like I was about to have a heart attack when I first saw it! It's just so... I don't know. I wasn't expecting anything like this at all, and I feel like I've really been intrusive. I don't know how to deal with it.
Anybody been through something similar or have any advice? I realize I have to tell him about this, because otherwise I'll spend our sessions looking at him like he has three heads, but I don't know how to without sounding like some crazed stalker. I know that things like this aren't all that unusual among therapy patients, but I don't know how he will react. (Then again, usually I expect him to get angry and yell when I disclose something difficult, but he always reacts very well.) At least I can reassure him that, after finding something like that, I won't be doing it again! It was way too creepy! I'm trying to figure out a way to explain WHY I would have done the search in the first place to make it sound less, well, creepy. Any ideas?
Hope this has been halfway clear. I haven't been able to think straight to save my life today. I just feel like curling up in a corner and never being seen by anyone, least of all my pdoc, again. Hopefully I can get over that in the next month, or else there might be problems. I just really needed to vent - it's so weird!
poster:Klokka
thread:376904
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040812/msgs/376904.html