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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by snapper on June 10, 2004, at 19:40:21
Hey everyone, I usually don't post on this board very often but I thought It would be the most appropriate place to ask some questions and try to get some answers.
A little background : I have suffered from long term depression and anxiety (clinical at least) for 14 years plus. I do not know who I am any more
and maybe I never did. I seem to be resistant to 99% of meds and my regular p-doc seems to think that my primary problems are because of my personality. I don't think he is innacurate in this diagnosis but I just can't seem to accpet this fact. I have primary diagnosis(s) of BP II, personality disorder and seems like all of the anxiety disorders, hypo-chondriasis, somatization symptoms and more. I read about personality disorders on line and it seems like I have symptoms of all of them...Is this because I am sick? It scares me to death! I know I suffer from reading into my symptoms too much but I feel almost entirely and utterly helpless and hopless that these things will ever change. My pdoc says that it will take a very skilled therapist to help me. I live with my family but have not always been dependent on them. I used to have a life. I had my own business but I also destroyed it by drinking and gambling problems which are in my opinion very closely tied to mental illness and tring to cover up symptoms while trying to hold everything together. I won't go into extreme detail but I will just say that I had numerous major losses over the last 14 years and each problem just seemed to get harder to overcome and the eventual demise of my business which resulted in ch 7 bankruptcy. I literally lost everything, relationships, car, my home, had very bad legal problems, lawsuits and more. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself as I know that everyone goes through major losses in life but I just got totally overwhelmed by my circumstances and just caved in and finally was able to get most of my legal problems resolved , got SSDI and have been living with my parents ever since this occured. I am very thankful that they are healthy and able to provide me a good place to live but, I don't feel that recovery is ever possible. From what I read it is next to impossible to recover from a personality disorder let alone severe ,chronic anxiety and depression and it makes me very hopeless and suicidal. I somehow know that although I am *only* 37 that my chances for a life are very bleak. No chance for a wife a family a career or independence so why even try!
I feel weak, anxious, confused, lost, angry, and all the other things that go along with depression and anxiety disorders. My parents and my older sister who also lives with us (42) is triying to rebuild her life are as supportive as they can be but I know that despite thier best efforts that I am just a burden waiting to die. I don't really want to die but don't see anything different for myself but continued anguish and pain and that no amount of therapy will ever overcome. I isolate because my nervous system and my brain just plain hurt. It is physically hard to try and participate in social things. I just can't tolerate the excessive noise and stimulation it is like sheer torture. I wish this were not the case because I know that being out and participating in life are the things that are supposed to help depression. Social phobia, ocd, and panic don't help. Trying to participate just makes thing worse. I could go on but I won't. I just wanted to vent a little and see if anybody knows of any *real* solutions. I have very few friends outside my immediate family. I know that I am addicted to this forum, from day till night hoplessely looking for answers. I know its' not just about meds but still I look and lurk hoping to find any semblance of my suffering, hoping that I will find answers and some relief. Every single hour is so damn hard. Any thoughts are welcomed. Thanks for listening.
snapper
Posted by shadows721 on June 10, 2004, at 21:28:33
In reply to I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!!, posted by snapper on June 10, 2004, at 19:40:21
(((Snapper)))
I am so glad you posted. For now, you may be in the best living place possible. All you can ask of yourself each day is do just do your best. You have a lot on your plate.
In the future, you may be able to get out on your own. I remember when I was in nursing school that I saw people with schziophrenia on their own and working. Of course, this was with occupational and residential placement assistance programs. All of them also received financial disability assistance. All them just did the best they could. Some wouldn't be able to work at times due to their illness. In the future, you may be able to qualify for such assistance in a part time job placement and housing without losing your disability benefits.
If you feel like a burden a home, you (may do this already) can help cook, clean, wash dishes, cut crass, wash the cars, go to the grocery, etc. Your parents would love it. This not only helps them, but makes you feel like you are contributing back to them too. If you don't already cook, you can learn. It is very satisfying making a dish and/or dessert. Also, you can start a garden. How about a personal zen like garden? A garden is great for the mind.
There are other things that you can do too. How about joining a group like Emotions Anonymous in your area. I believe you qualify for assistance in taking courses at a college. You may like to learn art, computer, pottery, woodworks, calligraphy, history, sign language, dance/yoga, etc. The sky is the limit with learning. You can take one non-credit class or you can take a credit class. It's up to you.
Do you have a pet? Pets are great for depression and anxiety. If not, you would have to have the parents permission. I don't they would appreciate a couple of pets in the back yard without notice. LOL
My point here is that there is a place for you too. While right now, you may not feel that way. Your job right now is to take the best care of you. Also, you can note what your personal strengths and weaknesses are. You can learn what your interests are too. That's the most important and rewarding job you can every have - is taking care of you.:-)
Posted by fires on June 10, 2004, at 22:59:35
In reply to I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!!, posted by snapper on June 10, 2004, at 19:40:21
Have you had any brain imaging done, such as an fMRI or PET scan?
You said:"I have primary diagnosis(s) of BP II, personality disorder and seems like all of the anxiety disorders, hypo-chondriasis, somatization symptoms and more. I read about personality disorders on line and it seems like I have symptoms of all of them..."
Something seems strange to me about this "cluster" of "conditions."
Good Luck
Posted by snapper on June 10, 2004, at 23:39:41
In reply to Re: I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!!, posted by shadows721 on June 10, 2004, at 21:28:33
> (((Snapper)))
>
> I am so glad you posted. For now, you may be in the best living place possible. All you can ask of yourself each day is do just do your best. You have a lot on your plate.
>
> In the future, you may be able to get out on your own. I remember when I was in nursing school that I saw people with schziophrenia on their own and working. Of course, this was with occupational and residential placement assistance programs. All of them also received financial disability assistance. All them just did the best they could. Some wouldn't be able to work at times due to their illness. In the future, you may be able to qualify for such assistance in a part time job placement and housing without losing your disability benefits.
>
> If you feel like a burden a home, you (may do this already) can help cook, clean, wash dishes, cut crass, wash the cars, go to the grocery, etc. Your parents would love it. This not only helps them, but makes you feel like you are contributing back to them too. If you don't already cook, you can learn. It is very satisfying making a dish and/or dessert. Also, you can start a garden. How about a personal zen like garden? A garden is great for the mind.
>
> There are other things that you can do too. How about joining a group like Emotions Anonymous in your area. I believe you qualify for assistance in taking courses at a college. You may like to learn art, computer, pottery, woodworks, calligraphy, history, sign language, dance/yoga, etc. The sky is the limit with learning. You can take one non-credit class or you can take a credit class. It's up to you.
>
> Do you have a pet? Pets are great for depression and anxiety. If not, you would have to have the parents permission. I don't they would appreciate a couple of pets in the back yard without notice. LOL
>
> My point here is that there is a place for you too. While right now, you may not feel that way. Your job right now is to take the best care of you. Also, you can note what your personal strengths and weaknesses are. You can learn what your interests are too. That's the most important and rewarding job you can every have - is taking care of you.:-)
>
> Shadows, thanks for responding I can tell by your posts that you are incredibly compassionate!Right now I am just frozen with fear of being in life.
Yes you are right that I am in the best possible living situation.
I wish I could engage in some of the things that you and others suggest for me. ie college classes, hobbies, etc. unfortunately my mental state makes it next to impossible to learn and remember anything. I am fortunate that my mother is a good cook.
As far as little chores ...I do what I can but the simplest of chores like putting away dishes is very confusing , I mow the lawn etc and I know it helps. But the extreme effort of getting it accomplished is so very demoralizing because it seems like more effort than its' worth. My Dad is semi-retired but still has to work a full time job out of need and neccessity. I give them 100% of my SSDI check for my part of the house pmt and misc utilities, cable , etc. It helps tremendously even though I minimize the fact that it does. I don't enjoy much of anything, its so hard to get away from my own thoughts,it seems that everything I do weather on tv or listening to music , good or bad brings up very vivid memories of my past and just seems to fuel my despondency in regards to what I used to have or had when i had a semi-existant life. I don't know if that makes sense. I know that having OCD severly aggrivates this state because I tend to ruminate extra bad on my former level of functioning. It is like every thing I used to have or do that brought me any level of *happiness* is gone and trying to do those things again is mute and counterproductive. I don't know how my life is going to turn out but I know that a diagnosis of social phobia/ocd/personality disorder does not make for a good out come. I hope I am wrong. I wish I could die without actually being dead. I would probably be dead if I did'nt fear death itself. I feel like I am existing just to exist. Like for my family and any remote possibilty that I will ever be well. I know...severe cognitive distortion. lol.
I just can't beleive that my head is so jacked up. I am hoping that the ECT will give me some relief. It did before. Even though it was short lived. 21/2 3 yrs ago. I am so anxious about it now like I am looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time.my phobic avoidance is at an all time high but as i have mentioned before i think that it might be just what i need to *right* my brain and reset my emotional thermostat and then we can work on the proper meds and therapy from there. hope i am not fooling my self...anyhow i'll quit rambling and again thanks for your reply. :)
snapper
Posted by snapper on June 10, 2004, at 23:53:10
In reply to Re: I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!!, posted by fires on June 10, 2004, at 22:59:35
> Have you had any brain imaging done, such as an fMRI or PET scan?
>
> You said:"I have primary diagnosis(s) of BP II, personality disorder and seems like all of the anxiety disorders, hypo-chondriasis, somatization symptoms and more. I read about personality disorders on line and it seems like I have symptoms of all of them..."
>
> Something seems strange to me about this "cluster" of "conditions."
>
> Good Luckfires, i have never had an fmri or pet scan, i have had an eeg and cat scan. no visible problems
why do you say a strange cluster of symptom?
I did have a moderate head concussion in 1976 and i think that I recoverd without any complication.
I do know that my dad has ocd and some adhd though he just lives with and functions well for being 68 yrs old and my mom probably has some of the same issues even though she wont admit it. they both function a ton better than I do. who knows.
my pdoc at one time suggested getting anothe opinion like a nueorologisy (mri etc) and i said no it was probably pointless- considering my long standing psychiatric history there is *probably nothing wrong* and he agreed. I do have the unfortuante dis-advantage of being part of my county mental health services. i wonder if i am getting sub-par help or not
snapper
Posted by shadows721 on June 11, 2004, at 1:55:21
In reply to Re: I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!! » shadows721, posted by snapper on June 10, 2004, at 23:39:41
Dear Snapper,
Please do give yourself credit for what you are doing. It really sounds like you are doing your best. Remember, you are not your symptoms. There's a wonderful human being in there. The symptoms are just that. They can't take away that beautiful spirit deep within you.
I don't know if this would help you, but I do this. I got a blank scrap book from an art store. I cut out pictures from magazines with beautiful gardens in them or any pictures that I felt that would be a peaceful place. I put the picture in there with liquid cement glue. I think that's what it's called. Anyway, I go back to my scrap book when things get bad and just look at the pictures and pretend I am there. Also, I have waterfall pictures in my room to focus. If you are unable to do any of this, how about just having a few magazines to look at to view a peaceful place to pretend to be right now.
Perhaps, you can just focus on making your personal space feel comfortable and safe for your healing. If you like, I can type up some suggestions that may help you.
I want to help you through this process or at least make it not be as painful. I want to help you anyway that I can.
Posted by snapper on June 11, 2004, at 2:17:11
In reply to Re: I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!!, posted by shadows721 on June 11, 2004, at 1:55:21
Shadows, you are absolutely very very kind :)
Bring on some ideas.
some i may already be doing and others I am sure im not.
keep in mind my memory is absolutely terrible and have troble putting right words and thoughts together. sadly i get confused just by hearing the telephone ring and trying another task at the same time.my speech is disjointed and when people ask me something or i try to teel them something i literally have trouble finding the right words. It is pitiful i feel like i'm retarded, trouble spelling, all kinds of annoying stuff... anyhow what do you reccomend i'm all ears
thanks
snapper
Posted by snapper on June 11, 2004, at 2:20:52
In reply to Re: I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!!, posted by shadows721 on June 11, 2004, at 1:55:21
Posted by B2chica on June 11, 2004, at 10:33:18
In reply to Re: I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!! » shadows721, posted by snapper on June 11, 2004, at 2:17:11
>> keep in mind my memory is absolutely terrible and have troble putting right words and thoughts together. sadly i get confused just by hearing the telephone ring and trying another task at the same time.my speech is disjointed and when people ask me something or i try to tell them something i literally have trouble finding the right words.
Hi Snapper,
i'm sorry i don't have any helpful suggestions but i do want you to know that you are not alone in this and i feel you are very strong in that you are taking an active rather than passive role with your health.
and i kept this statement up above because i Completely relate to this. My pdoc put most of this off to ADHD, though i'm on 80mg of strattera and though at least i can remember minute to minute now i still am so easily distracted and that little distraction "boggle's" my mind. I think that some of what you are describing (word finding issues) may deal more with mind racing...when i was rapid cycling i literally couldn't even talk at times, i could not find words and sometimes people would talk straight at me and it's almost like they were talking a different language cuz i Just couldn't Grasp it. then my words to respond would enter and leave my brain just as fast.With the distraction it's like my mind is a handful of dice and when i'm on tasks they are rolled out to numbers, the minute i get distracted (over pretty much Anything) then someone picks up thost dice and rattles them around in a jar and throws them back out. i have to take the time to put each one back to the right numbers to complete that first task. So not only is the distraction confusing, figuring out where i left off on the task is confusing also.
long explanation but do you understand what i'm trying to get across.
Sometimes it seems that the distraction and memory lapse and confusion is almost painful.Maybe this reply sounds a little somber but i meant it to be positive. that you are not alone, that new drugs come out all the time, but most importantly, you are a strong individual and you have our support here.
You are just a youngin' in my eyes.
Keep up that drive you have inside you.
Best Wishes.
B2c.
Posted by fires on June 11, 2004, at 11:54:09
In reply to Re: I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!! » fires, posted by snapper on June 10, 2004, at 23:53:10
I said a strange cluster of symptoms, because snapper stated:
"A little background : I have suffered from long term depression and anxiety (clinical at least) for 14 years plus. I do not know who I am any more
and maybe I never did. I seem to be resistant to 99% of meds and my regular p-doc seems to think that my primary problems are because of my personality. I don't think he is innacurate in this diagnosis but I just can't seem to accpet this fact. I have primary diagnosis(s) of BP II, personality disorder and seems like all of the anxiety disorders, hypo-chondriasis, somatization symptoms and more. I read about personality disorders on line and it seems like I have symptoms of all of them.."Dep.and anxiety for 14 + years,seems to be resistant to 99% of meds,Dxes of Bipolar II, personality disorder (whatever that means),and all of the other anxiety, hypochondriac, and somatization disorders and more.
Not your usual case that would seem to be needing PT as a primary treatment, in my opinion.
I'd suggest that you try to get a good Dr. to narrow down your primary Dx. As some Drs. have been known to say: you are more likely to have one condition with multiple symptoms, than a different condition for each symptom.
Good Luck
Posted by snapper on June 11, 2004, at 12:14:51
In reply to Re: I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!!, posted by fires on June 11, 2004, at 11:54:09
> I said a strange cluster of symptoms, because snapper stated:
>
> "A little background : I have suffered from long term depression and anxiety (clinical at least) for 14 years plus. I do not know who I am any more
> and maybe I never did. I seem to be resistant to 99% of meds and my regular p-doc seems to think that my primary problems are because of my personality. I don't think he is innacurate in this diagnosis but I just can't seem to accpet this fact. I have primary diagnosis(s) of BP II, personality disorder and seems like all of the anxiety disorders, hypo-chondriasis, somatization symptoms and more. I read about personality disorders on line and it seems like I have symptoms of all of them.."
>
> Dep.and anxiety for 14 + years,seems to be resistant to 99% of meds,Dxes of Bipolar II, personality disorder (whatever that means),and all of the other anxiety, hypochondriac, and somatization disorders and more.
>
> Not your usual case that would seem to be needing PT as a primary treatment, in my opinion.
>
> I'd suggest that you try to get a good Dr. to narrow down your primary Dx. As some Drs. have been known to say: you are more likely to have one condition with multiple symptoms, than a different condition for each symptom.
>
> Good Luck
>
> One pdoc did'nt diagnose me with all these label, mabye I just read in to these things because I feel so miserable and can relate to these symptoms. I am brobably making myself sicker than I am. If I am,I have no clue as to how to excape this living hell.People keep telling me to just go for a walk, get some excercize...etc etc. its' too painful sometimes its' hard to even go outside. My dad said that the only time I get out is when I go to the drs.'
I barely do that- its' terrifying, when I go to the clinic it scares me because I see people there that are way sicker than I am or at least it appears that way. I am doing the best that I can. My brain feels dead and like its on fire at the same time.Is this Bi-polar? I need to get well before this crap kills me :(snapper
Posted by fires on June 11, 2004, at 12:23:41
In reply to Re: I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!!, posted by snapper on June 11, 2004, at 12:14:51
All I can offer is what I would do. You say that you feel like your brain is on fire. As far as I know thiat is not a typical psychiatric symptom. Of course some Drs. feel that any symptom can be of psych. origin. (Ask them to prove so, just like you would any other Dr., it is time for accountability in Psychology, in my opinion). I have to go out for a while, if you are interested I may have time to post some sites about organic illnesses that mimic psych. illnesses ( seems redundant, because most seem to now feel that psych. illnesses ARE organic anyway! ;).)
Posted by snapper on June 11, 2004, at 12:41:06
In reply to Re: I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!!, posted by fires on June 11, 2004, at 12:23:41
> All I can offer is what I would do. You say that you feel like your brain is on fire. As far as I know thiat is not a typical psychiatric symptom. Of course some Drs. feel that any symptom can be of psych. origin. (Ask them to prove so, just like you would any other Dr., it is time for accountability in Psychology, in my opinion). I have to go out for a while, if you are interested I may have time to post some sites about organic illnesses that mimic psych. illnesses ( seems redundant, because most seem to now feel that psych. illnesses ARE organic anyway! ;).)
hi, fires thanks for the correspondence. I guess when i say my brain feels like it is on fire, it is probably an overstatement on my part. OTOH sometimes it really does feel like it is injured. Maybe it, is maybe it isn't. Wheather it is psych., organic , psychosomatic, hypo-chondriacal or whatever... it sure does not feel right . Could be a combo of all of the above, in any case I am desperate for my brain back.
post when you can :)
snapper
Posted by shadows721 on June 11, 2004, at 15:21:25
In reply to Re: I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!! » shadows721, posted by snapper on June 11, 2004, at 2:17:11
These are just ideas to help bring you comfort and a place of peace in your environment.
-have a journal
-have "mood music" or soothing music. There is a machine that has what's called white noise. It drowns out all other noises around you.
-have candles
-have affirmation cards
-have books on healing like
"Getting through the Day"
-have a place to stretch and do some exercise
-have a cup of warm tea
-have bottle water available
-have a "Do Not Disturb" sign for your door
-have plenty of pillows on your space
-have a book on beautiful pictures of nature or pictures of nature in your room
-hang up personal affirmations in your room
-have a spot for meditation or a breathing room
-surround yourself with living things (i.e., fish (a single fighting fish), plants)
-have your room in a color that is calming to you
-carry around an object that represents safety to you (ie. angel card or a prayer)
-have a list of people you can call when things get difficult
-Learn how to deep breath
-have a blanket that is a color of power that you can wrap yourself up in when things get difficult
-have an adult coloring book
-when things get difficult, think of a friend or someone you admire. Ask yourself, "How would they handle this?" Then try to imitate their actions or pretend they are helping you with your problem.
-Eat something heathy like an apple or a pear
-When things get tough, give in to a comfort food like chocolate or macaroni
-Have some videos that make you laugh
-Do something that makes you feel spirtually centered (meditation, prayer, journaling)
-Imagine that you are surrounded by a protective white light at all times
-At the beginning of the day, make a relistic goal and give and affirmation to yourself
-At the end of the day, write down what you did and feelings. Give yourself credit. Give yourself another affirmation.I believe that it is possible to make your symptoms lesson with self empowerment, tools, therapy, and medications. So, yes, I feel that healing is possible.
P.S. I hope you find something useful in the list.:-)
Posted by partlycloudy on June 11, 2004, at 15:26:07
In reply to Re: I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!!, posted by shadows721 on June 11, 2004, at 15:21:25
What a wonderful list, snapper. I'm printing it out for my own use.
Posted by partlycloudy on June 11, 2004, at 15:27:29
In reply to Re: I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!! » shadows721, posted by partlycloudy on June 11, 2004, at 15:26:07
Doh!!! Darn that confirm post key!!! Sorry, shadows - it's a great list.
I have to get this dyslexia fixed someday.
Posted by fires on June 11, 2004, at 15:48:20
In reply to Re: I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!!, posted by shadows721 on June 11, 2004, at 15:21:25
From the list of "peace in your environment":
Warning about using candles
Some candles still may have lead in the wicks:
Also, even small candles in a small room can cause unhealthy smoke levels.
Finally, be careful. Candles do injure people. More than a few women,with their hair all done up for their weddings, have had their hair go up in flames from getting to close to wedding candles. Good warning list:
http://www.fireservice.co.uk/safety/candles.php
Personally, I don't think they are worth the risks!
Posted by snapper on June 11, 2004, at 16:48:18
In reply to Re: I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!!, posted by shadows721 on June 11, 2004, at 15:21:25
hey guys, thanks for all the input and support.I do use several of those tools already, some help some do not! I just wish I was'nt afraid of everything. I went through a very minor version of this when I was in 3rd grade. It did pass. I know for a fact, looking back that it was ocd. little did I know I would grow up to be an adult basket case.What did I do wrong to deserve this?
I feel like I have been cursed.
Posted by fires on June 11, 2004, at 17:08:56
In reply to Thanks everyone!, posted by snapper on June 11, 2004, at 16:48:18
According to an educational show on tv the other night on anxiety, panic disorder,PTSD, and OCD, getting a case of Strep throat has been implicated in many cases of OCD. (OCD came on after Strep).
My previous MD felt over 20 years ago that viruses probably play a role in nearly all "mental" illnesses -- along with genetic susceptibility.
Good Luck
Posted by shadows721 on June 11, 2004, at 22:32:28
In reply to Re: I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!!, posted by fires on June 11, 2004, at 15:48:20
Hi Fires,
I have these neat candles that are like glitter gel. They don't melt down. They sink in the bowl. When lit, they look like sparkles. Oh, I never leave a candle unattended. I have pets, so I have them in a very safe place.
Posted by shadows721 on June 11, 2004, at 22:52:29
In reply to Re: I have no clue ! kinda long. HELP !!! » partlycloudy, posted by partlycloudy on June 11, 2004, at 15:27:29
This is the end of the thread.
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