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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by QuietHeart on February 24, 2004, at 23:32:19
Hi All,
Just wondering whether others have experienced feelings of almost WANTING to remain lingeringly unhappy to stay in therapy bc it is such a comforting relationship? I feel like I want to be with my T forever (have been in therapy for only 4-5 months). I don't know if I can discuss this with him. We haven't ever discussed termination or anything. Please help!
Posted by Dinah on February 25, 2004, at 9:19:06
In reply to termination and wanting to stay unhappy, posted by QuietHeart on February 24, 2004, at 23:32:19
I've flat out asked my therapist if I could still see him if I get "better". And he said "sure".
I expect he said that because he doesn't want me to try to stay sick in order to continue to see him. With that off the table, he knows I'm not pretending to be ill to still see him.
But I don't think he would have told me that that early into therapy. Maybe you could discuss your general fears that getting better means leaving therapy with your therapist?
Posted by cubic_me on February 25, 2004, at 9:27:51
In reply to Re: termination and wanting to stay unhappy » QuietHeart, posted by Dinah on February 25, 2004, at 9:19:06
I get the feeling of wanting to remain unhappy becuase it is the one thing that makes me feel like I'm a real human being. I definately don't think its unusual to feel that you want the relationship with your T to last for ever, maybe yours will allow you to see them once you are ok. I know that mine won't, and I suppose that may be a factor in why I find it so difficult to get the motivation try to be happy.
Posted by fallsfall on February 25, 2004, at 10:15:20
In reply to termination and wanting to stay unhappy, posted by QuietHeart on February 24, 2004, at 23:32:19
I can certainly relate.
But I have to wonder, if I *want* so badly to stay in this theraputic relationship because it is "so comforting", then maybe I have a *need* for that kind of "comfort" that I'm not finding elsewhere in my life. Discussions with my therapist about this "need" (dependency, the void in my life, the black hole, craving comfort) ARE the critical part of my therapy.
It is hard to talk about honestly with one's therapist - will they back away as you try to move closer? Will they think that you are asking too much? Will you overwhelm them? Will they reject you? Will they push back?
I hope that you have enough trust with your therapist to at least start to talk about it. I've been with my current therapist 8 months (and when I arrived he knew that I had a dependency problem with my previous therapist). I do trust him to be strong and do the right thing, but I still ask myself those questions. I am also fearful of exploring the area myself because everytime I look at it, it gets deeper and I am afraid to see the real magnitude of the issue. But, every session, I take a deep breath and take it farther than I did the session before. The only reason I can do this is because my need to have this issue "resolved" (addressed, worked on) is so compelling (i.e. my pain is so great) and I know that I can't "fix" it by myself.
You are certainly not the only one who feels the way you do. A year ago we had a wonderfully comforting thread that was titled "Forever Therapy". Even though I would like Forever Therapy, I know that if my therapy is successful that I won't *need* Forever Therapy. But at that point, I will be happy to leave therapy. I know I still have issues to work on because today, I still want Forever Therapy.
Do start talking about this with your therapist.
Posted by tinydancer on February 25, 2004, at 11:44:23
In reply to termination and wanting to stay unhappy, posted by QuietHeart on February 24, 2004, at 23:32:19
This is something I recall having fleeting thoughts about also when I beginned therapy.
I don't believe that we want to stay unhappy, any of us. But what I do believe in is comfort zones and safety. If you have been unhappy for a long time, that is an emotion that feels safe, its a comfort zone. What you have in the room with your T is safety-a safe haven. I have struggled with this a lot, but my T has given me a great deal of understanding and support about precisely this. He doesn't think its bizarre or unnatural that I feel that way.
I think you might be surprised what comfort you may get out of sharing these thoughts with your T. Isn't it natural to seek out those people who care for us, *seemingly* unconditionally?
Is there a particular thing you are afraid of, like that your T will terminate with you if you talk about this?
Posted by bell_75 on February 26, 2004, at 3:55:33
In reply to termination and wanting to stay unhappy, posted by QuietHeart on February 24, 2004, at 23:32:19
I, like others here, totally understand what you mean and how you feel by wanting to stay unhappy in order to keep the therapy relationship going.
I have been in therapy for nearly 11 months and i feel my therapist believes this is long enough. That I have the skills needed to deal with depression on my own (he is a CBT therapist).
At this very moment, I'm worried that my T is seeing me improving and that I'm coming along each week with only trivial things and at times its somewhat just like I drop by for a chat not therapy. During the week when i dont see him i think of what to tell him about my week and when it comes time to see him i notice i generally focus on the bad (depressing) rather than the good as to not give the impression things are much better.
Its true, therapy is a comfort/safety zone.
I've never felt so secure and comforted by a relationship before.
All my life I've had issues with seperation anxiety. I was very clinging as a child and moreso clingy emotionally as an adult.
When my first therapist left I cried even though i had only been seeing her for a few months. My current therapist saw me that day of our last session as that was when i was introduced to him. I think he probably knows that thats what its going to be like when i finish therapy with him. Even worse! I'm closer to him and I really really dont want to leave therapy.
I wish all us here on psycho-babble could get together and have post-therapy therapy with each other...talk about our feelings and just offer the support in an offline environment. Alas, we're a worldwide conglomerate of therapy patients alike. This message board is still great though.If theres anything I can say to you here is that...you're not alone. *hugs* theres plenty of people here that know and empathise with what you're feeling.
:) Stay strong and keep in touch.
~Bell
Posted by Pandabear on February 27, 2004, at 12:11:23
In reply to Re: termination and wanting to stay unhappy » QuietHeart, posted by bell_75 on February 26, 2004, at 3:55:33
I have been in therapy since april of 2002 with the same therapist and I NEVER want to leave. She has given me the ok to stay as long as I am able to. She told me that there are some people that continue therapy just because it is a place where they can talk without feeling judged, and that if I feel like I need therapy even after im feeling well..that it is ok. She says this to me after she tells me that I need to be building a support group outside of therapy, of friends that I can start to talk to as well..so that it isnt JUST her all the time. This is hard for me, but Im working on it. The feelings of wanting to continue therapy are completely normal. Some people start to depend on their therapist to the point where they cannot imagine not being able to talk to them if they stop therapy and this isnt exactly true. Therapy will always be availiable. (My psychiatrist told me this just a couple weeks ago). You can ALWAYS come back to therapy..so really it will never end. This helped me tremendously because I was too dependent on my therapist at the time and knowing that she was always there for me helped me to stop being so dependent. Now, im just worried that she will retire...but i doubt it. And, I tend to focus on every little thing that is wrong with me just to prolong therapy..I have gotten to where Im scared of being "better" I dont know how to act...does that make sense? But your therapist is there to help so its all good.
Goodluck and talk to your therapist about everything you are worried about..im sure he/she will be completely understanding...take care
Pandabear
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