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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gardenergirl on February 19, 2004, at 0:14:28
Ugh!
I don't know if I am PMSing (horribly irregular periods, PMS always catches me off guard) or if my session on Monday stirred things up. Here's what the deal is.
I am highly if not extremely sensitive. My T uses the metaphor of being sunburned all the time, leading to being hurt even from well-meaning "touches" or contact with others. It seems when I am feeling burned like this that I tend to perceive everything as a rejection, which hurts like heck! This morning in class we were doing group process things. Because I missed the first group meeting due to stuff out of my control, I don't feel like part of the group. My contributions were eithe ignored or challenged in a way that also felt like rejection. It's not often I feel like crying in class. One of the group members said I was making a mountain out of a molehill. Probably accurate, but invalidating as it FEELS like a mountain to me. GRRRR. Not a good way to start the day.
So here's what's gone on this week. The person at school who is in charge of internships for students cannot seem to get it through her head that I intend to do a non-accredited internship locally next year. I will be qualified for this assuming I have proposed my dissertation. Granted, I have not done this yet, but I have had FOUR conversations with her about my intentions and reasons for not going through the match process for accredited internships. In a nutshell, I know that I am too touchy or fragile at this point in my life to even consider going through sending out 20 or more applications in the hopes of getting a dozen interviews, and then trying to "match" with an internship site. That's just TOO MUCH potential for rejection. In addition, my husband is my primary, and hugely necessary support system right now. I can't bear the thought of being separated from him for a year. I think I would fall apart if I hadn't already lost it in going through the match process. So anyway, this person, despite very personal conversations I've had with her when I have disclosed my vulnerabilty and needs, keeps thinking I plan to take a year off and do the match next year. AAAARGH! I feel like everytime I have talked to her and put my heart out there to be potentially stomped on or told I am weak and needy, each time I feel that I am invisible since obviously these conversations do not register with her. She actually said the other day, "thanks for shaking up my assumptions." HELLO! I've only said the same thing FOUR times over the last four months! But don't mind me. AAARGH!
Then, she says, "I heard you did a really great job in case conference." Silly me, I corrected her and said, "you mean CCE?". No, she meant case conference when I role played a client, but used my own struggles with procrastination as the topic. The rule is, what is said in case conference stays in case conference. Obviously, the faculty has been talking about my disclosure of my struggles with procrastination. I feel like the faculty JOKE, like they have been gossiping about me.
Today I also found out that a client I have been seeing since summer SI's. I feel so sad for her and sad that it took so long for her to be ready for this to come out (today I noticed the scars as she had her sleeves rolled up and was stroking her arm--seemed like at least unconsciously she wanted me to know.) But it was really hard for me given the rest of the week. Also, I think one of my borderline clients may also be going manic. I just want some easy cases right now. I feel way too touchy to cope with complications. Can't wait for supervision tomorrow! Except I will probably cry again, dam*it!
To top if off, today I found out I have a growing problem with the graduate assistants I supervise that will turn into a really ugly confrontation no matter how I try to faciliate a respectful, honest and professional dialog. Who wants to do that? When I went into the director's office to process this, I ended up telling him how hurt I was about the case conference thing and started to cry. UGH! He handled it really well. I knew this was brewing for me, and I really tried to hold off crying until I got home tonight, but I couldn't help it. To his credit, he was very empathic and responded beautifully, which of course just released the hounds even more. UGH! I hate crying in front of others.
So, bottom line. I think either my session on Monday may have really stirred things up or I am just much more touchy than usual. I have a giant pair of sunglasses that I wear, sometimes as a joke, when I am feeling too psychologically sunburned. I think I will wear them all day tomorrow. :) Even at dinner with the board of trustees. (Tomorrow I am busy from 8:00 am to 9:00 pm and it is going to SU*K!)
Did my T stir things up by continually refocusing my rant about all this external junk to my internal response to it, which is really, really painful? Or am I just PMSing? Or just extra sunburned for some as yet unknown reason?
I hope this doesn't freak out those who have inexperienced T's. Yes, we can freak out too, for confusing or unknown reasons. But I can't wait for this weekend! Thank God for my husband, who listened to me babble on tonight trying to explain my upset.
Thank God for you babblers who also (if you read all this) listened and are trying to help me with all this upset.
Any thoughts, etc. are welcomed!
gg
Posted by All Done on February 19, 2004, at 0:46:29
In reply to Crappy, crappy week (confusing, long rant), posted by gardenergirl on February 19, 2004, at 0:14:28
Oh, gg. I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time. Sometimes it seems like a bunch of dominoes falling, doesn't it? One thing goes wrong or feels lousy and the next thing you know, everything is turning out badly. I hate when that happens.
And don't worry about feeling like an inexperienced T that has freaked out. I'm a major proponent of the belief that, like it or not, Ts are human, too. I'd be willing to bet that even the most experienced Ts freak out on occasion and, to me, that's okay. I know I would question the validity of Beefcake's empathy if I thought he didn't experience a range of emotions at least once in a while.
Take a bunch of deep breaths and tomorrow, whenever you have a chance, repeat after me:
This is all worth it because I am a great therapist who is making the world a better place for my clients - one at a time.
(((((gg)))))
I hope tomorrow is a better day (even if it is a long one).
Take care,
All Done
Posted by DaisyM on February 19, 2004, at 1:46:16
In reply to Crappy, crappy week (confusing, long rant), posted by gardenergirl on February 19, 2004, at 0:14:28
>>So, bottom line. I think either my session on Monday may have really stirred things up or I am just much more touchy than usual.
<<How about all of the above? It is the whim of the universe to set all this upon you on the same week...so remember to breathe and be nice to yourself. Lots of sleep, good food, and hugs.
I think crying with a supervisor is fine. That is where you are suppose to let it out. And grad students are a pain...so while you facilitate this respectful dialogue, tell yourself that they also need to know who is in charge and take a stand.
As far as your patients go, I'm sure you are handling each individual thing well. It touches me how much you care. I think we all hope for that. Remember that therapy itself can be so scary that it can take a very long time to "tell" something that might be really important. It took me almost 6 months to tell my Therapist that I had any kind of abuse in my childhood and another 3 months after that to really say what happened. Not your fault, you obviously have provided a safe enough environment where she can now tell you what is happening with her.
Keep yourself safe tomorrow. I love the idea of the sun glasses. People might get the idea. Pick something to be your private joke so that when you see it, or do it, you smile. I swear everytime I walk up the stairs to therapy now, I hear KK's voice in my head about swinging my butt and I smile to myself. (and hurry!)
Thinking of you. Cyber Hugs!
-D
Posted by Crooked Heart on February 19, 2004, at 6:54:41
In reply to Crappy, crappy week (confusing, long rant), posted by gardenergirl on February 19, 2004, at 0:14:28
Doesn't it all happen at once? Look after yourself (including chocolate, it is scientifically proven to help with PMS). And keep letting off steam here. Thinking of you.
Posted by fallsfall on February 19, 2004, at 7:59:39
In reply to Crappy, crappy week (confusing, long rant), posted by gardenergirl on February 19, 2004, at 0:14:28
Oh, GardenerGirl,
Can I give you a long hug? (((((((GardenerGirl)))))))
I am so impressed with how much insight you have into yourself. You are trying so hard to find a way to do what you have to do - keeping your limits in mind. I'm so impressed that you know your limits and accept them so well.
Please remember to love yourself. We love you. You have so much to give to the world (both as a person and as a therapist).
It must be hard to care so much about your clients. But each of us are praying that our own therapist cares 1/10 as much for us as you do for your clients. I have never been able to understand how therapists can truly let their clients live their own lives and make their own mistakes without feeling like they have to "save/fix" everything. I think that watching a client in pain must be so, so hard.
I'm a crier. I cry in therapy all the time. I know that I wouldn't like it if I did that in my "work" world, though. I always want to be in control - of everything and of myself. At least you are in a unique situation where everyone you deal with understands these "emotion" things. It sounds to me like you ARE doing hard work in therapy - and that is GOING to color the way you see the rest of your world. I would guess (and I have no way of knowing), that when the faculty sees you struggling with a personal issue, that they are proud of you for facing the issue and proud of the way that you are pushing on in spite of the issue. Just my guess.
The lady who can't figure out about your internship is just plain dense. Write her a note - in 14 point font - 4 sentances: I am not going to do an accredited internship in 2004-2005 (or whenever it is). I am going to do a LOCAL non-accredited internship. I will be qualified to do this because I will have proposed my disertation by (date?). Therefore, I do NOT need to participate in the Match program now or next year. Give a copy to her (read it to her?) and also give a copy to someone else (her boss? your advisor?) who can help explain this to her. You don't need this aggravation right now (and doing the above might let you release some of your anger...).
Eat some ice cream. Take a bubble bath. Get a massage. Color with crayons. Swing on swings (the kind with long chains). Do something nice for yourself.
And, you know, you DO have a therapist who you could call if things are feeling really overwhelming.
Take care of yourself.
Falls.
Posted by EmmyS on February 19, 2004, at 8:04:46
In reply to Crappy, crappy week (confusing, long rant), posted by gardenergirl on February 19, 2004, at 0:14:28
I think people who are particularly sensitive make the best T's since they are especially sensitive to other people emotions as well. And, having you own set of "issues" can actually be bonus as a T, since it lets you more easily empathise with your patients.
I have a very similar story. If you'd like to write, my id is emilysimon2003 at yahoo.
Your kind heart shines through in your writing. The care that you have for your patients is so heart warming.
Breathe girl...and do those mindfulness exercises from DBT class! :-)
Emmy
Posted by cubic_me on February 19, 2004, at 8:25:32
In reply to Crappy, crappy week (confusing, long rant), posted by gardenergirl on February 19, 2004, at 0:14:28
I'm sorry things are so hard for you at the moment, you know we are all 100% behind you.
> Today I also found out that a client I have been seeing since summer SI's. I feel so sad for her and sad that it took so long for her to be ready for this to come out (today I noticed the scars as she had her sleeves rolled up and was stroking her arm--seemed like at least unconsciously she wanted me to know.)
It took me over 6 months to tell my T that I SI, and it wasn't because of a problem with her. It was because I needed to trust her so much and it is such a secretive thing. Before I had only told other SIers that I SI, telling her was SO scary. Like the others said, most of us wish we had T's that care half as much as you, but take a little time for yourself sometimes - you need it at the mo.
_me x
PS I loved falls version of the letter!
Posted by Dinah on February 19, 2004, at 9:44:20
In reply to Crappy, crappy week (confusing, long rant), posted by gardenergirl on February 19, 2004, at 0:14:28
I agree with what everyone said. And it sounds as if you're doing everything you should be, the darn universe just isn't cooperating.
I *hate* weeks like that. The good thing is that they do end. The bad thing is that you still have to get through them.
Please don't worry about a client taking time to tell you things though. I trust my therapist completely, and there are still things that are nearly impossible for me to say. And days I *take back* everything I've ever said. It's got to do with their fears, and how they perceive themselves and their problems, nothing to do with you. All you can do is be steady and reassuring when they do tell you.
I hope your day goes better than you're fearing. And remember that we will listen if it doesn't. And it sounds as if you have a gem of a husband who will too.
Posted by pegasus on February 19, 2004, at 11:29:44
In reply to Crappy, crappy week (confusing, long rant), posted by gardenergirl on February 19, 2004, at 0:14:28
I don't have anything new to add, but I want to reiterate the following:
1. You seem to be a great, compassionate therapist, and we all love to hear how much you care.
2. It's really common to wait a long time before talking about SI. I did that too. And it was good for me that I did. I wasn't ready before.
3. I like falls letter to that woman who just can't hear you, too!
4. You are not invisible to us, and we don't mind when you cry.
5. Bad things do tend to lump up, and we're wishing you strength and humor in dealing with your super lumpy week.
6. ((((((((GG))))))))- p
Posted by gardenergirl on February 19, 2004, at 15:55:08
In reply to Re: Crappy, crappy week (confusing, long rant), posted by pegasus on February 19, 2004, at 11:29:44
Thank you all for your wonderful encouragement. I just have a minute, but will post more later. It's so nice and comforting knowing that there is somewhere I can go for support such as y'all gave me. Being able to count on that really helps me get through this kind of stuff.
I left out a couple of things: my hairdresser quit cutting hair, and I have to give up my all time favorite beauty product (Clinique's All About Eyes) since it is causing that reaction under my eyes I thought was excema. I'm in mourning for both. :(
Also, I appreciate everyone's thoughts about when they felt safe about disclosing SI. For my client, I just felt sad that there was this evidence of how bad she feels about herself that really intensified my empathic reaction. (Probably being so touchy added to it.) I wish I could have known that (how intensely bad she feels that she feels she needs to punish herself)sooner, but I also view it as a positive indicator for our relationship that she could talk about it now.
Thank you all so much. ((((((Babblers))))))
gg
Posted by All Done on February 19, 2004, at 16:07:57
In reply to Thanks everyone., posted by gardenergirl on February 19, 2004, at 15:55:08
> my hairdresser quit cutting hair
Oh my gosh! I have serious issues with hairdressers quitting. That *alone* would give me reason to cry :(.
Well, anyway, I would need a whole thread on Social to go into my hairdresser issues, so I just want to say that I'm glad that it sounds like your feeling better today (or at least I think/hope it sounds that way).
Thanks for checking in. I was thinking of you today.
Take care,
All Done
Posted by EmmyS on February 19, 2004, at 16:24:24
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone. » gardenergirl, posted by All Done on February 19, 2004, at 16:07:57
All Done - Ah, but what if we have transference issues with our hair dressers??? Does that get posted under Social or Pyschology? ;-)
Emmy
Posted by EmmyS on February 19, 2004, at 16:26:09
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone., posted by EmmyS on February 19, 2004, at 16:24:24
Posted by Elle2021 on February 19, 2004, at 17:04:30
In reply to Re: Crappy, crappy week (confusing, long rant) » gardenergirl, posted by cubic_me on February 19, 2004, at 8:25:32
I'm so sorry this is all happening at once, bad things seem to do that. About your SI client. It took me almost 2 years to tell Burt about my cutting. I didn't tell him because I wasn't ready to discuss it, not because I didn't feel safe (well...I was a little worried he might lock me up!). The important thing is that you know what's going on now, so you can try your best to help her. I'm so impressed that you feel comfortable telling people you work with about your own troubles. You would think since they are in the therapy field, that they would a little more understanding. Remember you have your own therapist too that you can call if you feel like you need to. Don't forget that. And you have your husband (like you mentioned) and us!
I think being ultra-sensitive probably makes you a better therapist. Based on what you have posted on here to me, you seem to have this wonderful talent in the fact that you are able to empathize and really understand other people's emotions. I'm really sensitive too, everything seems to hurt. I hope this internship thing works out for you, it sounds fascinating! I wish I could apply for it! :) Like another poster on here said, don't forget about chocolate. Sometimes I think it's just as effective as antidepressants! (but that doesn't mean I think you should stop taking your meds). Don't wear yourself out okay. You said you have a big day today. Maybe you should consider coming straight home afterwards and get some rest. I know I deal with things MUCH better when I well-rested. Hang in there. :) ((((((Gardenergirl))))))
Elle
Posted by thewriteone on February 19, 2004, at 20:49:30
In reply to Crappy, crappy week (confusing, long rant), posted by gardenergirl on February 19, 2004, at 0:14:28
I'm sorry you had such a rough day. I'm having one of those myself, but fortunately, they're not all like that. Any chance you can get in to see your T again to deal with the things that might have been stirred up?
Take care of yourself. Tomorrow will be better or the next day will.
Posted by gardenergirl on February 20, 2004, at 9:22:16
In reply to Re: Crappy, crappy week (confusing, long rant) » gardenergirl, posted by thewriteone on February 19, 2004, at 20:49:30
Hey all,
TGIF! I am so glad this week is almost over. I am doing better and slept really well last night. That had to help. I was SO happy to finally get home. Right now I have Jimmy Buffett playing, and that really lifts my mood.I actually did think about calling my T. I guess part of my difficulty in dealing with my transference with him is that I am still resisting it. I don't want to have to need him. So I guess I'll just wait til Monday. I feel like I have a long list to talk about; I may make a list or write a journal to try to get some stuff straight in my head before then.
But I'll probably end up talking about how I resisted calling him. Part of that is I also tend to make things more urgent in my head than they really are. For example, I have to tell my husband about a potential leak in the bathroom RIGHT AWAY, even if he is just getting awake. Or, I have to tell the director how things went with the GA's RIGHT AWAY. I finally decided I could sit with things until the next meeting with him (also on Monday) as it really did not require immediate action. But I have trouble with that.Now, would y'all believe that I ran into that same client at the event last night? Ugh, I don't think I ever talked with her early on about how we would handle incidental contact on campus or otherwise. I felt awkward. We did not acknowlege each other, but I was worried that she would perceive rejection. But I called her this a.m. to check in with her and offer to process it before next appt. if she needed to. I think I needed the reassurance more than she did :)
Of all the dumb luck! Definitely a bad karma week. Glad it's almost over.
Hope all of you are doing well.
gg
Posted by All Done on February 20, 2004, at 17:33:40
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone., posted by EmmyS on February 19, 2004, at 16:24:24
This is the end of the thread.
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