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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Alanjacobs on October 29, 2006, at 2:29:45
I am not sure why I am posting. I am not sure if I seek reply or just the ability to take some of this weight off my chest.
I am 27. I was in college (under-grad) for years and years and never finished. I manipulated the Profs and schools system with my issues, dropped and failed classes till they finally tossed me. I may be able to get back one day, I have to meet with an administrator and outline my mental issues.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder about 2 years ago and at the time it felt like a relief. That’s that last relief from this mental anguish I have had in my life since. I do little as possible for money. I am way behind in bills and have really screwed up my credit. I have not worked steady in about 3 years. I have blown every opportunity that has come my way in the past years, work, school and social opportunities that’s to say.
I get no pleasure or enjoyment from anything anymore.
I have a Girlfriend of almost 4 years but I only see her on weekends now and am not there for her.I don’t talk about my illness with my friends really because I don’t see the point. I know what they are going to say before they say it.
I feel great shame, shame and failure. I hate everything about myself. I only see little glimmers of hope.
I think about ending it all every day but don’t. I can picture the thought of my mother, the only one who has ever really been there for me, crying for the rest of her life if I was gone and it keeps me from doing anything. I just don’t know how long I can keep it up. I feel as I have no options, no future, and no point. I feel those I like and admire are tired of my instability, unavailability and inconsistency.
I am great at helping my friends with their issues and reading people I can do like they were books. I cannot begin to help myself. I don’t know if I want to anymore.I tried doctors. Went to a few docs all let me down. Have been in Lamictal, Effexor, Celexa, Wellbutrin, Seroquel(for sleep) and a few others. I didn’t feel like any every really had any effect other than making me sick to my stomach and lighter in the wallet.
I really want to run away, and that’s on the days I feel good. Run away to another state, another city and start another life. Leave everyone behind kind of like suicide with out the death or even a rebirth.
I hate explaining to my stepfather, when he asks me why I can’t sleep, that I hate to be awake and I fear going to sleep and starting it all over again for another day.
A bullet seems the easy way, I am too much of a pussy, or I don’t know what. I fear it so I guess that’s good. I don’t feel I am close to it.
I want help. A doctor telling me " you just have to do it" won't help. I mean, no sh#t, I know I have to do it, but I still dont and why is that, and can you help me figure that out?I dont know what to do. I am trying to find a doctor again. What a let-down the others have been, I could tell they really did not give a damn.
So read this respond if you want
Posted by Jost on October 29, 2006, at 22:38:55
In reply to Hello, Please Read It . I could use some feedback, posted by Alanjacobs on October 29, 2006, at 2:29:45
Hi, Alanjacobs.
More than anything, I think you need a pdoc who knows a lot about medications, and can help you find some one, or combination, that gives you a chance of becoming more stable, and beginning to work through things and find what you want to do.
It's hard to go from doctor to doctor, and not find one who's dedicated, or sophisticated enough to stick with it, and also give you enough support to make it through the times of disappointment, or discouragement from side effects-- which may resolve in time-- or may not-- and may therefore need treatment. Or may mean that you need to try another med. And who knows it quickly, or quickly enough for you to trust his/her judgment.
But keep at it-- you;ll find someone. I hope this time around-- but if, by some chance, not-- keep at it. You need to find someone who can work with you on this-- it's too important to let a bad doctor stand in the way-- however hard it is to try again.
It's great that you can help your friends. That must mean a lot, and also shows that you have potential to help yourself-- although you might need to learn how, and even to figure out why it's so hard to do it--
if there are any reasons in your history, other than biological ones-- that may be making it harder.
Stick around here too-- the main Psychobabble board has lots of great information on meds-- lots of people's experience, and also a lot of sound information. Plus there are good people here, who can be there when you're down, or having any thoughts or feelings you want to share.
Could you clarify one thing for me: when the doctor says you have to do it-- what is it that you have to do?
I wasn't sure what you meant there.
Hang in with this-- don't give up. There are good pdocs out there-- and you're right-- the people who love you wouldn't want to lose you--
Jost
Posted by alanjacobs on October 30, 2006, at 9:07:50
In reply to Re: Hello, Please Read It . I could use some feedb, posted by Jost on October 29, 2006, at 22:38:55
Thanks for the reply.
I went to a counselor at my university originally. I saw him twice a week for three weeks. After three weeks he told me he was going away for three weeks and I would be seeing someone new. I said "well if you are going away for three weeks, and I will be seeing a new person for three weeks, than wont he (the new or replacement councilor) be at the same point you and I let off when you return. He said, yes it’s not the best situation but it’s the only solution we have to offer and he assured me that the new councilor would be there for the long haul. I agreed. I met with the new and as I found out in-training therapist. He was ok; we talked for three weeks and then what happened? He informed me he was leaving for two months and I could meet with someone else there. So now 6 weeks past I had made zero movement on my issues. I told him this was insane and wrong, he told me I was being argumentative, needless to say I just stopped going to them. They had, during the 6 weeks forwarded me to a Psychiatrist for medication. I relayed to him what was going on when we first met a few weeks later and he agreed it was wrong. He assured me I would be in better hands. I went to him once a month. He said next time we met he would have a therapist for me to meet. A month later, no therapist. A month later after prescribing me lamictal and celexa no therapist. A month later he offered me a therapist for our next meeting. I was disheartened to say the least but agreed. Next meeting. He had left and not even bothered to let me know. I was meeting with a new psychiatrist who had no idea what was going on with me, when we met for the firs time she was reading my chart for the first time. She game me a therapist name in her office I made an appointment that day, but after all this I sunk very low and slept for a week, including right through my appointment. I met with her for three months, more of the same, she left too, to continue her rotation or so I was told. I finally got a therapist through them after complaining to the department head. Not much help. This is where the "just do it" attitude comes in. Not sure if these people work for Nike or something.
But I had a lot of anxiety about talking to professors and going to classes because I felt like such a failure. These were issues I had been having for a long time, fear of failure and such. He relayed I just need to force myself and all that jazz. I kind of felt like "no sh*t, I need to force myself" but why cant I? So that’s where I am a year later, barely leaving the house and having all the issues from my last post. It sucks.
I emailed a local therapist I found online. She has a good site and she contacted me back this morning. I m someone interested as she has her own private practice and I would hope she can refer me to someone for meds that she works with to keep a good and closed loop of help.
Thanks for your reply Jost. You made some good pints that I have made to myself but you speak in a language that’s a bit more "real" than, "chin up" and all that.
Posted by Jost on October 30, 2006, at 10:53:11
In reply to Re: Hello, Please Read It . I could use some feedb, posted by alanjacobs on October 30, 2006, at 9:07:50
There are also some places with sliding scales.
Do you live in Philadelphia? You mentioned UPenn in your post on the Psychology board.
Maybe an analytic institute (ie Psychoanalytic Institute)-- they often have psychotherapy with sliding or reduced scales, with their own trainees. These are often experienced therapsts, who want further training after getting a PhD and having practiced some (not always)--
They go through a lot of supervision and their own analysis, so you get someone who's actually very serious and not a beginner at all. They also are there long-term (analytic training takes years and involves learning to work with people long-term). Often people train in the city where they live, too-- so they won't leave after training. You can always ask, too, of course.
That's kind of why I tend to prefer people with analytic t raining (all the Freudian stuff is mostly--not completely, but a lot--passe, so don't worry about that)-- they tend to be better trained, and more motivated to be as good as possible. Of course-- not a guarantee-- by any means.
That's my bias, but well-- I think it gives you a better chance at finding someone good. There are also referrals-- from them-- or other people. But it's best to have some reference-- some way of knowing the person is disciplined and sound.The stuff about your counselling center at the Penn sounds awful-- you do wonder about places sometimes. It's better to have a private therapist ultimately, though. Sorry you had that compounding everything, though.
I dont' go much for the chin up stuff-- it's hard to get the help you need, and not doing well in school and life is not your fault-- some people may look at it that way-- but if you stick with it, you can get to a better place--
Jost
Posted by alanjacobs on November 1, 2006, at 6:51:37
In reply to Re: Hello, Please Read It . I could use some feedb, posted by Jost on October 30, 2006, at 10:53:11
Sliding Scales? You mean in terms of cost? I am not concerned with that I will pay what I have to to get the best care I can. The real cost is in my loss of working, I would literally be worth millions today had I stayed on track.
I do live in Philadelphia. I would not return to U Penn for anything. The disservice they did me should be actionable in some way. The therapist I found now has been in the city for years and has her own practice. So we shall see
Posted by Jost on November 3, 2006, at 16:01:56
In reply to Re: Hello, Please Read It . I could use some feedb, posted by alanjacobs on November 1, 2006, at 6:51:37
Glad you've found someone.
As an aside: I wasn't thinking of your going to Penn.
Psychoanalytic Institutes are freestanding-- They can be associated with Universities-- there's one at NYU and one at Columbia P&S ( the medical school and hospital that's part of Columbia U.)-- but many analytic institutes are affilitated with and certified only by the American Psychoanalytic Assn, which is a separate organization, not University related.
Jost
Posted by alanjacobs on November 3, 2006, at 18:34:28
In reply to Re: Hello, Please Read It . I could use some feedb, posted by Jost on November 3, 2006, at 16:01:56
Well if it has anything to do with the people I had something to do with at U of Penn then i have something they can do with their diplomas. :)
> Glad you've found someone.
>
> As an aside: I wasn't thinking of your going to Penn.
>
> Psychoanalytic Institutes are freestanding-- They can be associated with Universities-- there's one at NYU and one at Columbia P&S ( the medical school and hospital that's part of Columbia U.)-- but many analytic institutes are affilitated with and certified only by the American Psychoanalytic Assn, which is a separate organization, not University related.
>
>
>
> Jost
>
>
This is the end of the thread.
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