Posted by Alanjacobs on October 29, 2006, at 2:29:45
I am not sure why I am posting. I am not sure if I seek reply or just the ability to take some of this weight off my chest.
I am 27. I was in college (under-grad) for years and years and never finished. I manipulated the Profs and schools system with my issues, dropped and failed classes till they finally tossed me. I may be able to get back one day, I have to meet with an administrator and outline my mental issues.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder about 2 years ago and at the time it felt like a relief. That’s that last relief from this mental anguish I have had in my life since. I do little as possible for money. I am way behind in bills and have really screwed up my credit. I have not worked steady in about 3 years. I have blown every opportunity that has come my way in the past years, work, school and social opportunities that’s to say.
I get no pleasure or enjoyment from anything anymore.
I have a Girlfriend of almost 4 years but I only see her on weekends now and am not there for her.I don’t talk about my illness with my friends really because I don’t see the point. I know what they are going to say before they say it.
I feel great shame, shame and failure. I hate everything about myself. I only see little glimmers of hope.
I think about ending it all every day but don’t. I can picture the thought of my mother, the only one who has ever really been there for me, crying for the rest of her life if I was gone and it keeps me from doing anything. I just don’t know how long I can keep it up. I feel as I have no options, no future, and no point. I feel those I like and admire are tired of my instability, unavailability and inconsistency.
I am great at helping my friends with their issues and reading people I can do like they were books. I cannot begin to help myself. I don’t know if I want to anymore.I tried doctors. Went to a few docs all let me down. Have been in Lamictal, Effexor, Celexa, Wellbutrin, Seroquel(for sleep) and a few others. I didn’t feel like any every really had any effect other than making me sick to my stomach and lighter in the wallet.
I really want to run away, and that’s on the days I feel good. Run away to another state, another city and start another life. Leave everyone behind kind of like suicide with out the death or even a rebirth.
I hate explaining to my stepfather, when he asks me why I can’t sleep, that I hate to be awake and I fear going to sleep and starting it all over again for another day.
A bullet seems the easy way, I am too much of a pussy, or I don’t know what. I fear it so I guess that’s good. I don’t feel I am close to it.
I want help. A doctor telling me " you just have to do it" won't help. I mean, no sh#t, I know I have to do it, but I still dont and why is that, and can you help me figure that out?I dont know what to do. I am trying to find a doctor again. What a let-down the others have been, I could tell they really did not give a damn.
So read this respond if you want
poster:Alanjacobs
thread:698635
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/newbs/20061013/msgs/698635.html