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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 9:24:48
i don't really know where to begin, i feel so exhausted. i've tried other forums and chats and i feel like i've drained my "hi i'm a newbie" resources. i know i'm not even obligated to introduce myself here, but i thought maybe it would help. i also thought it would be a nice idea because i'm so relieved to have found this site because out of the tens of posts i've read thus far, i can relate to so many of your stories, that i feel like this big weight has been lifted off my chest. i must not be making up these feelings if other people have them, too!
a few weeks ago i hit a low, being low isn't good but i guess sometimes it helps to get a worm's-eye view of the environment you're in. when you're human-sized, all you see is the world. when you're worm-sized, your world is just your own environment. maybe that makes no sense. let's try that again.
being in this position, i've been able to look around and realise that one of the biggest obstacles is my inability to form successful relationships with people (on a personal level). i see this repeating pattern, even when with my current relationship i told myself, "things will be different, i wont screw things up this time." but the same thing happened: meet someone, "click," put them on a pedestal, grow so close one can hardly stand it, minor setback/disappointment/letdown/even an effort on my part to just make them realise they're not perfect or have not lived up to my expectations, build wall, block them from my life. rilse, lather, repeat.
every damned time. and once i shut someone out, i can NEVER let them back in. it's over. even if the relationship drags on for years, it's only an empty shell of a relationship, going through the motions-- a built-in dinner companion, even if we never talk during the meal; a movie-partner, even if i don't want to see that particular show (resentment further ensues); cease opening up emotionally (if i ever did), physical contact, seeking out their company. i worry that i will never find the closeness i crave because i'm so out of control. (well, i don't even know why. i just know that i can't help it... and i never see it until after it's too late.)
i want people to ask me questions and drag the story out of me because i don't know where to begin telling it. there's no proverbial "beginning." it's just one big jumbled ball of rubberbands, and i want someone to start gingerly untangling them to try to make sense of them.... and not let either of us get snapped too hard in the process. but most people don't ask questions. they say "i'm here if you want to talk." well i do want to talk. but i can't. i physically can't get the words out of my mouth. i physically can't dial the phone to start the conversation process. i physically can't bring myself to put myself into a physical face-to-face communication situation. and even if i could, like i said, i can't get these thoughts and feelings out of my head and into words.
it's far easier for me to type and write-- i guess that brain-to-mouth filter is bypassed in this case. so perhaps it will help me to be here, where i can get the thoughts and feelings out with less effort. and maybe get some of that much-needed human contact and response.
so thank you for being here, and giving me a little bit of hope.
Posted by beatrix34 on May 4, 2004, at 15:22:55
In reply to relieved to find this site, posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 9:24:48
ghost -
Sounds like me throughout my entire dating life...until these past few years...I spent years sabotaging my relationships, pulling away from the person I was dating, spending years in relationships that were unfulfilling and void of feeling. For me, my issue is abandonment. My dad left when I was 7 years old and was then in and out of my life for many years. In my small subconscious (as a little girl), this left me with feelings of being unworthy, not good enough, etc. So I ended up becoming very black and white in my relationships. I would have a disappointment from a boyfriend and I would immediately retaliate with pulling away, stopping any affection, infidelity, etc. BUT I would often stay in the relationship for years before moving on. It took me years of therapy to even get to the point where I am now...I actually got married this past June. It can work out. I don't know if you can relate to any of this but I thought I'd share my experience with you. Hugs to you, I hope you feel better soon.The people on this site seem to be very supportive, I am pretty new as well. Hope to see you around the site.
Bea
Posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 17:28:29
In reply to Re: relieved to find this site, posted by beatrix34 on May 4, 2004, at 15:22:55
it seems like you know exactly what i mean...i'm curious to know what changed, or how you overcame it and decided to get married? (congrats on your upcoming 1st anniversary, btw!) our reasons are different-- i haven't found a traumatic event in my past that made me this way. in fact, i know i'm very lucky to have two parents still together who love me very much-- the trouble is that no one else does. and you can't live with mommy and daddy forever. you can't have a social life with mommy and daddy alone. well, i suppose you *can* but that'd just be... weird.
thank you. it's nice to see you here.
Posted by karen_kay on May 4, 2004, at 20:58:33
In reply to relieved to find this site, posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 9:24:48
ghost,
first and foremost, i want to welcome you to babble. i know that babble has honestly been a very important support system for me. please don't hesitate to venture out to the other boards as well. there are some mighty fine people out there who would love the opportunity to meet and greet you as well. also, this board is great, in that you may be able to form some connections with posters here as well, while meeting people on the other boards. what i'm trying to say, in my own weird way, is feel free to post whenever and where ever you like. don't feel confinded to post just here. and again, welcome!!!
also, i wanted to say (on a more personal level) i understand exactly what you are saying. it's on the tip of your tongue, you're just waiting for someone, anyone to ask the 'right' questions. whatever those are, right? and i'm not even sure what those questions are. maybe i'm wrong, and that's not what you're saying at all, but that's how i feel too. i want so much to talk to someone about what's going on but i can't. i feel like i'd be burdening them, bringing them down, hurting them, when instead i could be spending my time helping them solve their problems.
and they say, "i'm here to talk' but i don't know if i can. i want to, but my mind won't let me. even with my therapist sometimes. so instead i sit on it. and it festers. and i think too much. i just don't want to burden people with my problems. or maybe i don't believe them when they say they'll listen? no, i do have people i believe.
ok, so after all this rambling (and i'm sorry about it.. i really am, i ramble too much i'm afraid..), my therapist came to the conclusion that i have an inability to form attachments and that i have trust issues. but, i do have some people i trust. and i'm very attached to some people. i think it's jsut about letting down that wall and taking a chance. sure, there's a chance you may get hurt. but, you learn from that. and you grow. and you move on. and you find someone else, someone better.
so, again after rambling even further i'm afraid, let down that wall. take a chance. call those people. open your mouth and talk. even when your mind won't let you. it's hard. boy, do i know. but it sure is worth it. trust me when i say that!
Posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 21:59:10
In reply to Re: relieved to find this site » ghost, posted by karen_kay on May 4, 2004, at 20:58:33
*thank you*
you *do* understand... that's exactly it, really-- just HOPING that someone will ask the RIGHT questions, whatever they may be (because damned if i know!). it's on the tip of my tongue, my brain is SCREAMING, but i can't force it through that brain-to-mouth filter... i can't get the words out.
thanks. thanks for understanding. *hugs*
Posted by Fallen4MyT on May 4, 2004, at 23:44:55
In reply to relieved to find this site, posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 9:24:48
Hi Ghost and welcome...I replied to a post you made in Psychology but wanted you to know that I do know jumble of rubberbands kinda feeling..I hope you are around this site a lot...we are a friendly group and try to support one another when we can...with what we have to help with...Sometimes small steps....help. For me, it helps to write say a few paragraphs on a time period of my life a day and revisit it or share it with my T...HUGS
Posted by ghost on May 5, 2004, at 0:46:57
In reply to Re: relieved to find this site » ghost, posted by Fallen4MyT on May 4, 2004, at 23:44:55
thank you. so much. i look forward to hopefully making some friends here. *hugs*
Posted by Ivan Michael on May 5, 2004, at 10:19:31
In reply to relieved to find this site, posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 9:24:48
hey there buddie. like it says, i'm ivan. people on this site are extremelie friendlie. each has their own storie and there own problems. i hope that we can help with yours. thats why we're here. you said that you want people to drag the storie out of you because you don't know where to start. well i think that you'v made a great start. you have alreadie expressed so much to us. i think that it is easier to type than talk but i also think that you do not see how good you can be with expressing your feelings to others. i might be wrong, but i think that you also said that you need to feel needed by others at all times. i know that i'm that way. but to start dragging it out of you like you wished, is this hollowness that you talk about in your relationships like they're not even there. like they're hollow and not real. or is it too hard to explain in words. i think that understanding a problem is the first step to healing.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on May 6, 2004, at 18:24:56
In reply to Re: relieved to find this site » Fallen4MyT, posted by ghost on May 5, 2004, at 0:46:57
I think you already have a few :)
HUGS
> thank you. so much. i look forward to hopefully making some friends here. *hugs*
This is the end of the thread.
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