Posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 9:24:48
i don't really know where to begin, i feel so exhausted. i've tried other forums and chats and i feel like i've drained my "hi i'm a newbie" resources. i know i'm not even obligated to introduce myself here, but i thought maybe it would help. i also thought it would be a nice idea because i'm so relieved to have found this site because out of the tens of posts i've read thus far, i can relate to so many of your stories, that i feel like this big weight has been lifted off my chest. i must not be making up these feelings if other people have them, too!
a few weeks ago i hit a low, being low isn't good but i guess sometimes it helps to get a worm's-eye view of the environment you're in. when you're human-sized, all you see is the world. when you're worm-sized, your world is just your own environment. maybe that makes no sense. let's try that again.
being in this position, i've been able to look around and realise that one of the biggest obstacles is my inability to form successful relationships with people (on a personal level). i see this repeating pattern, even when with my current relationship i told myself, "things will be different, i wont screw things up this time." but the same thing happened: meet someone, "click," put them on a pedestal, grow so close one can hardly stand it, minor setback/disappointment/letdown/even an effort on my part to just make them realise they're not perfect or have not lived up to my expectations, build wall, block them from my life. rilse, lather, repeat.
every damned time. and once i shut someone out, i can NEVER let them back in. it's over. even if the relationship drags on for years, it's only an empty shell of a relationship, going through the motions-- a built-in dinner companion, even if we never talk during the meal; a movie-partner, even if i don't want to see that particular show (resentment further ensues); cease opening up emotionally (if i ever did), physical contact, seeking out their company. i worry that i will never find the closeness i crave because i'm so out of control. (well, i don't even know why. i just know that i can't help it... and i never see it until after it's too late.)
i want people to ask me questions and drag the story out of me because i don't know where to begin telling it. there's no proverbial "beginning." it's just one big jumbled ball of rubberbands, and i want someone to start gingerly untangling them to try to make sense of them.... and not let either of us get snapped too hard in the process. but most people don't ask questions. they say "i'm here if you want to talk." well i do want to talk. but i can't. i physically can't get the words out of my mouth. i physically can't dial the phone to start the conversation process. i physically can't bring myself to put myself into a physical face-to-face communication situation. and even if i could, like i said, i can't get these thoughts and feelings out of my head and into words.
it's far easier for me to type and write-- i guess that brain-to-mouth filter is bypassed in this case. so perhaps it will help me to be here, where i can get the thoughts and feelings out with less effort. and maybe get some of that much-needed human contact and response.
so thank you for being here, and giving me a little bit of hope.
poster:ghost
thread:343164
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/newbs/20040420/msgs/343164.html