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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by corafree on January 11, 2006, at 15:50:53
I still cry, sometimes during the day, but mostly at bedtime.
My dad was the only man 'that loved me' .. I mean the 'whole me'.
My first husband loved my looks and personality, but left me when I began to have crying spells, saying "I won't stay married to a girl that can't 'maintain' (Smoke weed and be coomfortable.) and worst of all, needs to see a psychiatrist (re: crying spells). My first and most innocent love left me and is now living in CO happily married.
What followed were men who liked the way I looked (but my personality had been damaged somewhat by the loss of my husband) and I could 'pull off' happy for them, but when they saw the sad side, there they went.
I've had five long term relationships. Three marriages. Lived w/ father of one of my children 2-3 years. Most recent, a charmer who I fell for ... then he finally fell for me. But he has/had some bad qualities and is hard on my nerves. I cannot be with him for more than a day or two. He is hypermanic. I learned after falling in love w/ him he was a meth addict.
I would say I have seen love come and go for five long stints.
In between these stints, my father was always there .. rain or shine, come home and regroup he'd say. I miss him so very much. He would always give me that look .. 'it's so good to see you and I'm happy you're here' look.
My heart still aches. I feel more like I was his wife, than his daughter. My mother wanted to divorce him. Someone told me that he had said, 'I'd like to leave everything I have to the one who knows me best, my daughter, who lives in (State). He was referring to me. This didn't happen of course.
Do you think a father could be your best friend, your role model, your soulmate?
I feel 'like a widow'. Like, the love of my life is gone, and no one will ever measure up to him.
I could put on fancy clothes and makeup and go out, but I don't like to drink much anymore, and I have been spoiled. I expect much from a man.
Play try to find a chuch where am comfortable.
Basically, I've just been 'so sad', still, after nearly two years.
I'm sorry if this sounds in any way incestuous .. it's nothing like that at all.
(((To all of you who've lost a loved one.)))
Posted by sabrina0805 on January 11, 2006, at 16:14:53
In reply to It's coming up on 2 years ..., posted by corafree on January 11, 2006, at 15:50:53
Dear corafree
We chatted so much when my Dad passed on a little more than a year ago. And you helped me so much.
My thoughts are with you. And I think it is just awesome that you are able share what you just did! Strength of charachter I say!
Sabrina
Posted by ghostshadow on January 12, 2006, at 12:12:00
In reply to It's coming up on 2 years ..., posted by corafree on January 11, 2006, at 15:50:53
i envy you what you had with your dad. keep him in your heart always, and he'll never be far from you.
((((()))))
Posted by corafree on January 12, 2006, at 17:53:47
In reply to Re: It's coming up on 2 years ... » corafree, posted by ghostshadow on January 12, 2006, at 12:12:00
My thing is/was though that he had my 'whole adult companion heart'. I cared for his parents because my mother disliked him spending time there.
I went to affairs w/ him when others wouldn't p/u on the need.
I pray that God has another plan for me. I know part of my plan this stint on earth was to be there to listen to his dreams and laugh at his peculiarities, as my mother was always very practical. I think he loved me too much (I'd do something wrong, and you could still see those eyes light up!), and I didn't know who else to trust to love.
My siblings don't understand.
My mother doesn't understand.
Both my parents were blessed with sizable inheritances, so they never really 'wanted for a lot', middle income, and my Dad was able to do less 'money making' work and more 'helping others and changing things' work.
Someone told me to volunteer. I can't afford the gas to be going to and fro a volunteer position.
Why did all these men take wholeheartedly the children that I gave them, and raised w/ gentleness and zeal, and just leave me all by myself?
Wasn't there a 'back in the days'?
I don't think it's my looks. I don't know what others see when they look at me anymore. It must not be good. My heart is like a child though, and after my nervous breakdown in March, I dare step too big a stride, which is hard for me, because I used to love to run.
My heart misses him so, and I think it would help if I met a companion.
Are all my past men (children have diff' fathers .. only one allowed per man .. I'm just kidding!) allowed to just toss me aside like a used up kleenex?
Yes.
I miss having someone to watch over me.
The question 'does my mother love me or not' hurts, and I don't want to know the real answer to that question.
I pray that my little sister's statement, "God has a plan for you." is right.
I want a companion so badly. But just a normal person, not a hitter, not a drink till you pass outer, not the center of attention, and not a charity case.
I've known what deep down real love feels and should feel blessed, yet all I feel is sadness.
My sister-in-law wants me to send pics via Internet and make a book about him. I'm scared to participate.
The last sentence he spoke was, " Please tell (anonymous-me) that I love her." My little sister just told me this 4-6 mos back. Of all the people that were there, no one else told me.
Thank you so much for your kindness and thoughts. cf
Posted by Judith22 on January 24, 2006, at 20:35:27
In reply to It's coming up on 2 years ..., posted by corafree on January 11, 2006, at 15:50:53
(((((Corafree))))))
I am thinking of you. I'm sorry for your loss. Do something that makes you happy. Or grieve if it makes you happy. lots of hugs,
Judith
Posted by corafree on January 25, 2006, at 10:31:11
In reply to Re: It's coming up on 2 years ..., posted by Judith22 on January 24, 2006, at 20:35:27
Thank you so much! Unfortunately my family thinks it is time to stop grieving, and that only makes it hurt more. I'm overwhelmed. I think I'm heart broken and it is coming out in angry ways. My fam' home in Iowa is no longer 'home' to me, and I guess I've taken it out on my brother (my mother sold to him). Tho, much of what I said was truth (but cruel to say). Why do I have to be so honest? I'm so lonely now, no Dad, no home, had to leave my other home.
Things wouldn't have gone this way if Dad had a Will. Everyone should make one. He was SO ALIVE when he was! I miss THAT SPIRIT! I think mine died w/ him. I don't even know what day it is; scared to look @ the calendar. bestwishestoyou, cf
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