![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Mimi on September 23, 2004, at 16:40:02
Hi all,
My engagement was broken one year ago and I'm still sad over it--though not as acutely. Would it help me to launch an entirely new relationship? Or would that not be prudent?
Thanks for all responses. Mimi
Posted by Shar on September 24, 2004, at 22:02:46
In reply to Still Grieving 1 Year Out..., posted by Mimi on September 23, 2004, at 16:40:02
OK, I wrote this great post, but, I went back to the original message and lost the whole thing.
Basically, you 'should' start a new relationship when you are ready to start a new life. When what you have will add to both of your lives.
People have interim relationships (rebound relationships) which I think is ok, unless the people involved don't understand the "I might or might not be able to have a relationship with you" part. Whatever happens, I think it is most important to be honest with one's other.
A date is fine. And, see how it goes. But starting a relationship to forget another is not a very good foundation, IMHO. It's like having a baby to save a marriage.
If you meet someone who you think is cool, and are attracted to--because of the person--I think it's great to check it out. But, if you meet someone, and you think you could 'settle for this for a while' well, then, nahhhh, probably not worth it (plus people get hurt).
Oh, well, only my 2 cents. I do hospice (death/dying) work, so I see people all the time in various stages of grief, and that's sort of what I'm basing my answer on. It could be totally inappropriate to your situation (that is, 'your mileage may vary').
Best regards,
Shar
Posted by Jai Narayan on September 25, 2004, at 16:12:24
In reply to Re: Still Grieving 1 Year Out..., posted by Shar on September 24, 2004, at 22:02:46
I admire what you do. You must see everything. Relationships are tested under such strain.
You must have so much knowledge and wisdom from this job.I know from personal experience that rebound relationships are important and sometimes very short term.
The lessons are so acute.
I am heading into the years where the body is in decline and all manner of illness and disease can become life.
My partner and I have nothing as yet.
but I do expect life to challenge one or both of us at some point.
To know that you are in this field with your kind hand giving comfort.
I am touched.
what brings you to doing hospice?
Jai
Posted by Shar on September 25, 2004, at 20:16:49
In reply to Shar, you do hospice work?, posted by Jai Narayan on September 25, 2004, at 16:12:24
> I admire what you do. You must see everything. Relationships are tested under such strain.
......that is SO true. It is extremely difficult for caretakers (one's who are married/taking care of the dying person) to give themselves relief! They feel incredibly guilty if they are not constantly available! And, if I visit someone (at the inpatient facility where the patient is end-of-life aka EOL and can't talk/eat/etc.) I ALWAYS tell the caretakers that it is extremely exhausting and draining to be doing what they do. And, that the person they ALSO need to take care of is themselves. (My grammar has gone to pot here.)
When I first said that to someone, she just began weeping, because I don't think people understand the difficulties involved in taking care of a terminally ill spouse/child/loved one.
If the terminally ill person is lucid, and/or in the facility just for symptom-control, I have had to learn NOT to greet them with 'how are you' but instead try to get a sense of what is happening with them. Sometimes I feed them, sometimes we chat, folks who have their dogs with them are always easy to talk to (for me, a dog lover).
Some people are EOL, but then experience a 'hospice bloom' as they call it. When they get off all the chemo and other meds, their heads clear for a while, their pain/nausea/etc. is being taken care of (palliative care is WOEFULLY underrated in this country!). But, now, they are comfortable, and they (or their visitors/relatives) want to talk. I'm just so grateful they finally can be comfortable.
> You must have so much knowledge and wisdom from this job.
I don't know about wisdom, but I did go through a 6-week training program, so knowledge--I have some. I know everyone is entitled to ask for a palliative care physician in addition to their 'other' medical team (in Texas).
Plus, I'm not very freaked out by EOL symptoms, like EOL breathing, postures, etc. I also see patients at home (folks who will die at home) and in the inpatient facility. Mostly I do inpatient (but a week or so ago, one of my 'homies' was at the inpatient facility!). This guy was great. After we chatted a bit, and I fed him, he said 'well, I'm going to nap for a while, and then Bring on The Dancing Girls!' I thought that was so hilarious! So, I told him I'd check to see if the dancing girls were there yet. He died the next day (at about 6 a.m. when they called to tell me).
If EOL folks are alone, and 'actively dying', I will often sit with them, or read to them, even if they are not conscious. Since most of our folks are older, I'll often read from Christian (or other appropriate) texts/prayers/etc.
>
> I know from personal experience that rebound relationships are important and sometimes very short term.
> The lessons are so acute.......That is very true, about all forms of relationships--whether with people, places, or things.
> I am heading into the years where the body is in decline and all manner of illness and disease can become life.
> My partner and I have nothing as yet.
> but I do expect life to challenge one or both of us at some point.
> To know that you are in this field with your kind hand giving comfort.
> I am touched.........I/my partner have nothing yet either, but we're right there. Probably, since we can't afford medical care, we DO have something, but just don't know it...Oh, well!
.........You can do hospice care, too, I bet, if you're interested. It's a great thing to support, and it's not hard (I'm just a volunteer), and it needs a lot of support in this country (U.S.). Not trying to pressure you or anything, but if you're interested you could probably find a hospice where you are.
> what brings you to doing hospice?
......What brought me to it was the nightmare of my father's death when I was a teen, not being told anything about it (like...he's dying), being ignored afterward, etc. and feeling like something about the way we deal with death here in the U.S. should be different. I'm also interested in home funerals, and green burials. My dad's death was extremely traumatic for me, I was left alone with an abusive mom (tho' she doesn't think she is), and my sister was living with and aunt/uncle in another city. Yuck!!
Plus, being insane myself, and understanding that most docs aren't into the things you can't see or touch (like a tumor or cancer or heart, etc.) really ticks me off! Most physicians/dentists/nurses/dental hygenists don't get any training in 'effective' pain control. Pain control is SO important, yet in Texas, all pain meds have to be triple scripts--one goes to the patient, one to the doc for record keeping, and one to the Texas Dept. of Public Safety!!!!!!!). It is horrid!
..........Woo! I bet that was a LOT more than you wanted to know!! You have my sympathy if you read all that! But, thanks for asking....if it hadn't needed getting out I probably wouldn't have written a treatise on it!
........You're too nice.
> Jai
>
Posted by Jai Narayan on September 26, 2004, at 7:35:43
In reply to Re: Shar, you do hospice work?, posted by Shar on September 25, 2004, at 20:16:49
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Grief | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.