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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fayeroe on August 8, 2008, at 10:13:00
My brother is dying. He is 73.
Over the years our relationship has deterioated into nothing.
He has stolen from me, torn down buildings that are on my property on the ranch and destroyed what was stored. (I may have posted here about it in 2005)
He pulled a gun on me when I lived on the ranch in 2001.
He is crazy.
My parents deeded me the part of the ranch that has the ranchhouse on it and my brother wanted that part for himself. When I moved down there to care for our mother he began to threaten me and after she died it was all out war towards me.
I can hear the unspoken plea in my sister's words that I go home and see him. I don't even consider him my brother and I don't consider "home" home anymore.
My daughters and I have talkd about this for the past three or four days. If I go down there to see him, I will be physically and emotionally sick for weeks afterwards. I've worked very hard to detach from that place (and him) and I don't want to open up those wounds by showing up and making nice to him. I don't feel nice towards him and I won't put on a show for him or the family. I don't want to give him my power back by doing the "oh, it's all right, Drew, what is done is done".
I will go to the funeral because I want to do that for my nephews. I love them both very much. They are grown men and are very aware of what he is. He abused them as children. It isn't like the entire family didn't stand by and watch his reign of terror for years. My sisters have excused his behavior for the past 30 years. They have told me "we're praying for him every night" and I've replid "well, it must not be working".
A state senator told me one day that if my daddy hadn't been such a fine man that someone would have killed my brother years before. That probably sums up what kind of person he has been as well as anything that I can tell you.
I loved him so much while we were growing up and then became absolutely terrified of him by the time I was in my 50s.
Help? Pat
Posted by Sigismund on August 8, 2008, at 15:28:20
In reply to Family situation...need to talk, please, posted by fayeroe on August 8, 2008, at 10:13:00
A part of you must feel some sort of obligation to go then?
Otherwise why would it bother you?
But you don't have to. I don't think I would.
I'm struck by the fact that there was a time you got on well with him.
Posted by fayeroe on August 8, 2008, at 15:50:14
In reply to Re: Family situation...need to talk, please » fayeroe, posted by Sigismund on August 8, 2008, at 15:28:20
> A part of you must feel some sort of obligation to go then?
i feel that my family thinks that i'm obligated.
>
> Otherwise why would it bother you?it doesn't bother me not to go. i guess it bothers me that my oldest sister feels hurt.
>
> But you don't have to. I don't think I would.i just talked to a 5th cousin that lives there and he used to be my brother's best friend and he is adamant that i not go.
>
> I'm struck by the fact that there was a time you got on well with him.i worshiped him while i was growing up.
Posted by fayeroe on August 8, 2008, at 15:55:11
In reply to Re: Family situation...need to talk, please » Sigismund, posted by fayeroe on August 8, 2008, at 15:50:14
> > A part of you must feel some sort of obligation to go then?
>
> i feel that my family thinks that i'm obligated.
> >
> > Otherwise why would it bother you?
>
> it doesn't bother me not to go. i guess it bothers me that my oldest sister feels hurt.
> >
> > But you don't have to. I don't think I would.
>
> i just talked to a 5th cousin that lives there and he used to be my brother's best friend and he is adamant that i not go.
> >
> > I'm struck by the fact that there was a time you got on well with him.
>
> i worshiped him while i was growing up.i have a fair amount of resentment towards the rest of my family for not offering help when they knew that he was verbally abusive to me. i resent the fact that they knew he pulled a gun on me and they weren't supportive and there for me.
i also am very unhappy that i was forced to leave the ranch and move because i feared for my safety.
i have a very strange, strange family.
i've always been viewed as being "wrong" because of my occupations, my political views, even my dress and my "hanging around Indians". (i guess you could say that i'm from the wrong side of the tracks.) :-) and of course it doesn't matter that we're part Indian. :-) white people!!! :-)
>
>
Posted by Nadezda on August 8, 2008, at 16:33:37
In reply to Re: Family situation...need to talk, please » Sigismund, posted by fayeroe on August 8, 2008, at 15:50:14
It sounds to me as though you know the answer, you just aren't comfortable with it. Maybe you can't be completely.
It could be that you need to accept hurting your oldest sister, much as you don't want to-- and hope that she can understand, or that you can do things to make it up to her in the future--or, to show your caring now in other ways.
You can pay your respects to your brother and to what he meant to you indirectly. It's not as though he called and begged for forgiveness or understanding and wanted some closenesss himself at this time.
Unless there is some part of you that genuinely would feel a sense of loss in not going-- I can't see how you could do it.
If you did-- I don't think you would be saying the things that you've said.
Nadezda
Posted by Sigismund on August 8, 2008, at 16:47:16
In reply to Re: Family situation...need to talk, please, posted by Nadezda on August 8, 2008, at 16:33:37
People sometimes, when their end is near, wish to make ammends, generally make the best of things, and speak some truth, and I have had some wonderful (albeit painful) times with people in this situation.
But it has always been an essential part of it that I was responding to being reached out to in some way or other.
And your brother has not done this, has he?
Posted by Sigismund on August 8, 2008, at 16:53:51
In reply to Re: Family situation...need to talk, please, posted by Sigismund on August 8, 2008, at 16:47:16
I never got on with my father, but there was one time when he was in hospital for an operation, and I went to visit, and he looked me in the eyes and said 'When will it end?'
My wretched years in the family were redeemed by the compliment he paid by sharing his despair with me; or so I felt then and have since.
Posted by fayeroe on August 8, 2008, at 16:57:32
In reply to Re: Family situation...need to talk, please, posted by Sigismund on August 8, 2008, at 16:47:16
Thank you for your responses.
No, my brother has not taken any steps whatsoever to reach out to me. As well as I know him I think that if he did, it would be out of self-pity and would serve his purpose of attemping to keep the upper hand. That is harsh but I believe it to be the truth.
I still have some anger directed towards him and it has more to do with his destroying something that my parents worked so hard to build that I had hoped to preserve. Plus he destroyed valuables that would have gone to my girls and grandchildren.
Yes, I hate to hurt my sister but in the end I know that she understands me and we'll work it out.
It is what it is. I think that I reached out for a "reality check", so to speak.
Posted by fayeroe on August 8, 2008, at 17:05:04
In reply to Re: Family situation...need to talk, please, posted by Sigismund on August 8, 2008, at 16:53:51
> I never got on with my father, but there was one time when he was in hospital for an operation, and I went to visit, and he looked me in the eyes and said 'When will it end?'
>
> My wretched years in the family were redeemed by the compliment he paid by sharing his despair with me; or so I felt then and have since.My mom made me miserable as soon as I got old enough to have an opinion and yet I was the one who moved back in with her until she died after several strokes.
I was changing her one day and she grabbed my arm and said "glad, glad".....
Posted by Phillipa on August 9, 2008, at 12:48:47
In reply to Re: Family situation...need to talk, please » Sigismund, posted by fayeroe on August 8, 2008, at 17:05:04
That is very tough and understand the pull and push. I'd say only my opinion to ask a family member to ask him if he wants to see you. But that's just me I always give others a chance sorry if it angers you. Phillipa
Posted by fayeroe on August 10, 2008, at 15:46:10
In reply to Re: Family situation...need to talk, please » Sigismund, posted by fayeroe on August 8, 2008, at 16:57:32
Talked it over with my girls and we decided that we aren't going home for a visit with my brother.
Too much stress for all of us. They have witnessed the abuse and have also suffered at his hands..verbally.Thanks, everyone! Pat
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