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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tina on January 10, 2003, at 11:35:41
The air grows thin
All hope for tomorrow
worn away with endless pacing on it's surfaceThe candle is about to go out.
The wick is short
and the flame falters
The darkness is nearOn the air there is a whisper
An echo in time
Just a moment
One moment
A rush of memory in a cold breeze
and the candle is fueled again
The light comes up and I am no longer alone
I am surrounded by ghosts.I crawl to the corner and press my back to the hard rough stone
They watch me
always
They see what I feel
Their gaze pierces flesh like broken glass
Cover my ears
Close my eyes
But there is darkness thereThe air grows thin
The candle goes out
I am alone in the pitch black
Memory is what haunts me
Hunts me
There is no peace here
Only the whispers of the ghosts
Posted by NikkiT2 on January 10, 2003, at 13:44:42
In reply to ..........................., posted by tina on January 10, 2003, at 11:35:41
Thats an amazing poem Tina.. evokes so much..
*hugs*
nikki xx
Posted by Rach on January 10, 2003, at 18:23:24
In reply to Re: ........................... » tina, posted by NikkiT2 on January 10, 2003, at 13:44:42
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030104/msgs/34992.html
Posted by Rach on January 10, 2003, at 18:24:59
In reply to ..........................., posted by tina on January 10, 2003, at 11:35:41
Posted by kath on January 12, 2003, at 13:44:42
In reply to ..........................., posted by tina on January 10, 2003, at 11:35:41
I just want to say that Tina's photography is just as amazing as her magic with words.
I've seen numerous photos by her photos & they are just as evocative (sppppp???????) as her poem & her other writings.
Tina - I love looking at your photos. Just looking at one, can open the floodgates of my memory & fill me with emotion.
As to your use of words, the pain in this poem is beyond my comprehension, but yet again, you've been able to do, with words, what few people can.
How I wish I could take a giant blackboard brush & erase all the pain from the 'blackboard' of your life. All the 'how I wish' thoughts I have! How I wish I were geographically closer to you. How I wish I could give you a hug. How I wish we could sit cross-legged in my living room & play with clay, or just drink hot tea.
I want you to know that I love you trememdously.
((((((((((((((((((((((((you))))))))))))))))))))))
luv, Kath
> The air grows thin
> All hope for tomorrow
> worn away with endless pacing on it's surface
>
> The candle is about to go out.
> The wick is short
> and the flame falters
> The darkness is near
>
> On the air there is a whisper
> An echo in time
> Just a moment
> One moment
> A rush of memory in a cold breeze
> and the candle is fueled again
> The light comes up and I am no longer alone
> I am surrounded by ghosts.
>
> I crawl to the corner and press my back to the hard rough stone
> They watch me
> always
> They see what I feel
> Their gaze pierces flesh like broken glass
> Cover my ears
> Close my eyes
> But there is darkness there
>
> The air grows thin
> The candle goes out
> I am alone in the pitch black
> Memory is what haunts me
> Hunts me
> There is no peace here
> Only the whispers of the ghosts
>
Posted by shar on January 14, 2003, at 23:13:48
In reply to Re: .......Tina-your magic with photos also......., posted by kath on January 12, 2003, at 13:44:42
Wondering how you are, sweetie.
From the horse's mouth, I'm telling you horizons can change.
I know not everyone makes it out alive, and I even understand that...but, I'm telling you that the bleak, desolate, moonscape you see before you can change *just enough* to make living ok.
I hope you can hang with all this, and you will be one of the survivors. A survivor with a different horizon.
It may not be anything you do that changes it, either. It can be the way things fall into place that makes the difference. I am a big supporter of therapy, and working on issues, and all that stuff (in fact, I think I've been in therapy since before you were born!) but I truly believe there are things outside of ourselves that can become apparent, and all we have to do is what we do...show up, participate, breathe...and the shift begins.
May be worth thinking about, at least until you're 50.
xoxo
Shar
Posted by tina on January 15, 2003, at 14:42:12
In reply to T.....wondering..., posted by shar on January 14, 2003, at 23:13:48
It will never change.
Posted by tina on January 16, 2003, at 13:57:05
In reply to Re: T.....wondering... » shar, posted by tina on January 15, 2003, at 14:42:12
but I suppose I've done it to myself. I 've pushed people away so hard that they are now lying in domino-rows behind me. I shouldn't expect anyone to still give a damn should I.
The company I work for just filed for bankruptcy protection. Our store will probably close and I'll be out of a job......again.......
It's not like I love this job, it's just that it's the only thing that gets me out of bed. On my days off, I stay in bed and don't eat. I just stare at the ceiling asking myself over and over why I don't just end it all.
Now, I won't have the reason to leave my bed let alone my house. I am so f**king alone all the time but like I said, it's my own damn fault.
Posted by Noa on January 16, 2003, at 16:24:36
In reply to I am so lonely, posted by tina on January 16, 2003, at 13:57:05
Tina, I am so sorry to hear about what is happening with your job.
You know, it seems like there are certain times when we should probably not evaluate things, like your thoughts on relationships. Right now you need to get through feeling lousy and dealing with the job thing, and I know that when I am in a low point, I tend to want to evaluate stuff, but it always comes out so negative at these times of hardship, and makes me feel worse.
Now is a time to support yourself, be as good to yourself as you can.
Posted by shar on January 16, 2003, at 21:04:12
In reply to Re: I am so lonely, posted by Noa on January 16, 2003, at 16:24:36
Tina,
What Noa said. Plus, I have this idea that things in life are rarely as black and white as we think they are. Life seems mostly gray (sometimes in more ways than one), and I would add to Noa's thoughts, don't forget there are people here who care deeply for you (thus you haven't pushed everyone away), and if there is one thing we can count on in life it is change. Good, bad, or indifferent...but change it does.I hate it about your job, but staring at the ceiling is ok if it's all you have energy for.
Shar
Posted by Phil on January 17, 2003, at 7:44:41
In reply to Re: I am so lonely, posted by shar on January 16, 2003, at 21:04:12
You never know what the new day will bring.
Phil
Posted by tina on January 20, 2003, at 12:13:48
In reply to Re: What Noa Shar said, posted by Phil on January 17, 2003, at 7:44:41
starting to think I really have pushed everyone away. Did I? Does anyone care anymore? No one here at home does. I could disappear and no one would notice let alone care. I am alone all the time. I go nowhere, I do nothing, I see no one. I work still but I am not really there. I am just a shell, like a robot, doing what I am supposed to do but not alive. At home I just sleep. I don't eat, I don't clean......I just stay in bed or veg out in front of the tv. I can't find a reason to 'be'
Posted by shar on January 20, 2003, at 12:40:26
In reply to Still very lonely , posted by tina on January 20, 2003, at 12:13:48
All the things you don't want to hear, and don't think you can manage.
I believe people do care how you are, and I'm one that hates seeing you in the black pit. And, as for a reason to 'be' I think, when depressed, very often it is just a decision to 'be.' Even a lot of 'normals' have trouble with existential angst, the what-am-I-here-for/reason-for-being type questions.
Where you are right now, you just need to show up and do what you can. When you can, it'd help to get out, somehow, some way, just step outside. And, I think it would help a lot to not put so much energy into black thoughts, as much as you can manage it.
Plus, eating is important. Mood and eating, for me, are closely related. Doesn't have to be fancy, but best if it's not all junk. It's possible to eat corn right out of the can! That's better than nothing at all.
I hope you'll give an update on how you are. Just do the best you can, it's all we can do.
Shar
> starting to think I really have pushed everyone away. Did I? Does anyone care anymore? No one here at home does. I could disappear and no one would notice let alone care. I am alone all the time. I go nowhere, I do nothing, I see no one. I work still but I am not really there. I am just a shell, like a robot, doing what I am supposed to do but not alive. At home I just sleep. I don't eat, I don't clean......I just stay in bed or veg out in front of the tv. I can't find a reason to 'be'
Posted by tina on January 20, 2003, at 13:17:59
In reply to Re: Still very lonely » tina, posted by shar on January 20, 2003, at 12:40:26
shar
thanks
you know, I could handle the depression if I had friends. Any friends. I mean people here close to me that I could hang out with. All I do is think back to when I was 17 and had a "posse" around me all the time. So many wanted to just be in my company because I was 'fun' and energetic. Since graduating from highschool, I have become more or a hermit, more introverted and shy, absolutely terrified of other people and the world outside my door. I don't even feel safe around my own family. I have lost every friend I've ever had due to my panic and anxiety because I can't go anywhere. The benzos don't work anymore, the AD's don't work anymore.
It's the anxiety that causes the depression. It isolates me, devastates me and imprisons me. I've been in this prison for 13 years. The anxiety only gets worse year after year and I become more and more alone and inactive.
I can't see a future anymore. I DONT WANT a future if it's just more of this.
This is the end of the thread.
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