Posted by helpme on July 5, 2006, at 10:28:41 [reposted on July 5, 2006, at 22:45:14 | original URL]
In reply to Re: struggle with benzo addiction, posted by bassman on July 5, 2006, at 9:23:22
Thank you. I know what I'm doing is wrong, I feel out of control with it and am doing it 1) addiction 2) wanting to zone out for relief from pain, and 3) horrible nightmares- I mean things like vivid dreams of being hooded by terrorists, sliced, mutilated, caged, hunted, you name it. I am literally terrified of sleep or even lying in bed. My # 1 fear is ending up in a terrible hospital setting again. My former doc cut me off, refused to treat me anymore, accused me of trying to kill myself because she didn't believe that sort of tolerance was possible, had me committed, and the hospital was truely heinous. It was a good, private teaching hospital- considered one of the best in my city. Staff was rude and judgemental, and worst, there were a lot of very violent and totally out to lunch people there. I was absolutely terrified. I was watched by a masterbating man, I had someone spit in my food-no replacement meal for me- and I hid in my room as a result of all this-but was forbidden to close the door. (Found out later that man was in trouble with the law for something.) The staff there said my behavior proved I was "not social" and "still anxious". They too insisted I was trying to kill myself and didn't believe such tolerance to a benzo was possible. They said the "hospital is safe". I ended up kicking the habit, but then it crept back. THAT hospital experience caused many of the nightmares which developed into the ones I have now. So I'm scared of a repeat. I absolutely cannot go back there. New doc is supposedly an expert, and alas, affiliated with same hospital and thinkjs it's a great place. Was bewildered when I told him how traumatized I was there. I have been trying to taper on my own, very marginal success. I quit and restarted several times. I'm only supposed to take 2mg of klonopin, and I had told him I want to take less than that- though I have no idea how I will do that in practice. I broached the subject once that I "sometimes was tempted to take extra"- but he flipped out at the very suggestion, and indeed said I'd be cut off cold. Do doctors get in trouble if their patients abuse? Maybe I need another new doctor, affiliated with a different hospital? He also suggested zyprexa, but after I gave it a good faith month and ahalf try- twice- well, it was a very bad experience. Did not agree with me at all. I was in a twilight zone and vaguely hallucinatory. My friends later told me I seemed "weird" and "zombie-like" on it, even though the dose was low. I also was unable to function. Buspar doesn't work for me. Do you imagine I should try a supplement ike GABA to try to ease out of this mess? I'm sure the anxiety should subside somewhat once I am clean, because I hear benzos can cause a syndrome where it gets worse. What are rehab centers like, anyone know?
poster:helpme
thread:664373
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20060512/msgs/664375.html