Posted by Racer on March 17, 2006, at 20:25:17
I've actually started plugging the information I've found so far into my outline -- but now I'm paralysed, because I can't think of how to organize it. I hate this.
Now, when I sit back and think about it, I do know that it doesn't matter. The document can be edited. I can change the organization of the thing, once i get information into it.
But somehow I feel absolutely stuck. I have about four pages of notes, and I can't seem to get them typed in, because I don't know where they should go.
I tell myself, by the way, "They should go in the document, for now..." Doesn't help. Don't even try that, on accounta you know I tell myself that already. doh!
So, this is really only about my own self-doubt, and my own sense that I have to excel in order to be worth anything. And somehow, no matter how much I tell myself that I have some sort of worth that has nothing to do with the grade I get on this project, or even in this class, I still find myself paralysed, and filled with fear that it won't be Good Enough. And that that will mean that I'm not Good Enough. (Doesn't help that I have my mother's voice in my head, saying, "Remember, dear 'Good Enough never is'" Thanks Mom. I think I'd rather have inherited the good silver, but if you think psychopathology is a better thing to pass on, who am I to argue?)
I honestly feel, right now, as though I am intellectually backwards, for not being able to sit down and make this absolutely and stunningly brilliant first draft. I feel as though there's something everyone else understands that I don't, as though I was absent the day that lecture was given.
Mind you, in class last night, the two women behind me were talking about their grades, and they were happy with them -- 84% and 92%. I'm not quite satisfied by my 100%, now that I know I still missed a couple of questions. (Don't know which questions, though. I'll tackle the instructor to find out this coming week.) I know that I will do fine with this assignment. I know that I will probably end up doing a lot more than other people in the class do. I know that the teacher likes me, and that will probably color his grading. And I know that I'll do well enough on the other midterm and the final to make up for a lower grade on this if the worst does happen. I know all that. Just can't at all internalize it...
{sigh}
poster:Racer
thread:621448
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/studs/20051123/msgs/621448.html