Posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2013, at 16:18:50
In reply to Re: i don't like the internet anymore, posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2013, at 21:08:48
i lost my journal when i got together with her. and then i didn't have anyone to talk to, again. just about our relationship, i guess... but that kind of took over. and i didn't have anyone to talk to about the things that were concerning me the most.
and then i got all depressed and stuff. and i got a therapist. eventually. and she would journal stuff i said to her in my file notes. and nurses and doctors and so on and so forth would read her interpretation and interpret that themselves and try and give me a right talking to about this and that that they thought was what was wrong with me and what i needed to do etc etc etc.
and so i couldn't talk to her anymore. was fairly mute in sessions, really. i wanted to... but i couldn't.
and then however many years later i find babble. and i talk here. and i met a babbler... and that was mostly okay. because she wasn't terribly active here (in a personal way) and she was so very cautious about her own privacy. and then i met damos. and that was okay. and we became friends and hung out quite a bit... and i was scared that that might change things for me. that this wouldn't be a place for me anymore... but it didn't. i think some combination of our being friends and nothing more... and his not posting here as much as he did before.
and when i got blocked it was like... like i'd been suspended from school or something. and i didn't have anyone... anywhere to talk, again. and i didn't understand why you blocked me. i couldn't make sense of it. so i couldn't get any sort of power over it in terms of thinking that if only i did this or that or whatever then it wouldn't happen again. so i felt powerless in the hands of capricious gods. and i feel apart, rather.
i guess i mostly forgot is how i found my way back. and because i thought i'd be stuck into writing up about now... and i was posting at babble around the time i got my masters done so maybe i could tap into some of that... i don't know.
computers scare me now. because they don't seem anonymous the way they used to be. i'd have a password on my computer and a password on my email and a password on a couple other places... and things felt kind of safe and protected.
but now there are to many different passwords and logins with different constraints... more than my memory can handle so i gotta write that sh*t down. and then it doesn't feel safe anymore. and my computer tries to save everything to autocomplete stuff - so then i don't get what is the point of the password anymore. and places want your real information to log in. none of this anonymous stuff. they want your real name and real address and a working phone number. they want to know what primary school you went to and what your first pets name was. your best friend in high school and your mothers maiden name. i have a serious aversion to providing this kind of information...
and so things don't feel anonymous anymore. the computer does stuff and i don't know what it is doing. automatically logs me in to the mac game store or whatever when my system boots up. has my credit card details saved to file for ease of purchase. has it always auto running in the background. google searches my emails to try and provide more inspirational advertisements. skype wants an open internet channel... always...
sh*t sh*t sh*t it is full of sh*t. and... invasive.. and... like there is no place in this world where i can be me. where i can relax and let my guard down and not have... people use me for their own ends. whether it be some sense of righteousness they get for giving me a talking to or whatever... people more seriously trying to take advantage.. getting to know people better... well... i guess that is when they start trying to change me. trying to make me be like them. when they... really become invasive / insensitive to me. people will have you on.... and when you opt out of the jostling / vaguely concealed insults etc rubbish then they will steamroll you. just because they can. i write people off then. because i don't want to be friends with people like that. but apparently that is just how people are. even the good ones among them. this strategy of mine just... leaves me with nothing. i don't know how to keep people at arms length. there isn't any place in this world that is safe for me.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1056716
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20131211/msgs/1057144.html