Posted by Snell on December 17, 2013, at 12:07:41
Dear Mom,
One thing it seems to me that people in general are particularly deaf about is the statement, "I have no money." In my experience, the only people who truly understand this are other people who have been homeless and the DMH [Department of Mental Health] caseworkers. Maybe some therapists. Mark, the millionaire many times over, also seemed, oddly, to understand. To everyone else, "I have no money" seems to mean "I'm low on money," or "I'm feeling a financial pinch," or "I'm awfully strapped for money." I don't mean that. I mean I HAVE NO MONEY. There is no money in an account I have access to. There is no money in my wallet. There are no bills under my mattress. There is No. F*ck*ng. Money.
It REALLY pissed me off yesterday when the allergist said, "You don't need a prescription for the allergy covers." Uhh, yeah, big deal. I need a prescription to get Medicaid to PAY for them. That's why I told the receptionist, "The only way for me to get the allergy covers is for me to go to Target and steal them." People do this sort of thing all the time. I was talking to the lady who was going to schedule the [medical magazine] interview. She started to give me instructions about parking--people do this all the time. I interrupted her and said, "I don't have a car." Oh! she said, slightly taken aback. Because who, in America, doesn't have A CAR?
Adam Lastname used to do exactly the same thing. Bob used to do exactly the same thing. Gabriel just evinced that he does the same thing. Betty? She was so stone deaf about it I ended my friendship over her deafness. Susan and John? I think they live in some sort of hallucinatory world where somehow my once having money, or my once being able to get a job to make money, somehow translates into a present where I do have money. It's the Susan and John causality time-warp.
When I used to borrow money from people, something Adam Lastname was always recommending, and they start asking me all these QUESTIONS, I have to somehow keep from shrieking: "I have no money! Don't you think I THOUGHT of X, and Y, and Z? Don't you think it OCCURRED to me that I might try P, and D, and Q? Short of selling my body on the street corner, which would be awfully hard given my relatively chunky state, I HAVE NO MONEY! I HAVE NO PROSPECT OF GETTING ANY MONEY (until January 1). It's not a prospect of having MORE money, or SOME EXTRA money, or A LITTLE MAD money, or a TIP, or a "MAYBE THIS WILL HELP OUT A LITTLE"--it's the FACT, the present, stark, true, undeniable, incontrovertible FACT, OF HAVING NO MONEY!"
That's why, in order to try to take some advantage of Gabriel's "present," I had to steal coffee filters from Walgreens. I suppose I could have gone to a public bathroom somewhere and taken a whole lot of paper towels and used them for coffee filters. But that is the sort of completely-without-dignity behavior I had to engage in when I was homeless, and I'd rather throw the f*ck*ng coffee away then be reduced to doing that.
I am not asking you for money. I have food stamps and will be able to survive. I'm just venting about deafness in general.
poster:Snell
thread:1056431
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20131211/msgs/1056431.html