Re: sleepygirl, » sleepygirl2

Chewbacca will do for today, yeah? But as you and Phillipa posted, pretending is exhausting. I just happen to be going through a star wars thing because my son is--he hasn't seen the original, but star wars is pretty difficult to avoid. But when I contemplate his fascination with the major characters, well, they are pretty iconic and sturdy.

>
> I wrote a little up above. I am working myself to the point of exhaustion. I am so anxious most of the time that I don't know how it is that I manage to step out my front door. That's not so new, but I don't have nearly the resolve that I used to. I feel a bit "disabled". I suppose I manage some sort of front, though I imagine on some days it's not very convincing. Maybe everyone manages a front though? but I hope that most people don't have to.

That's something I like about that wish that maybe most people don't have to struggle so much. It's a lovely wish. Very often I am very envious and angry.

I know intellectually that there is a front--but maybe that's intellectual BS. Maybe some people just are. I try. But that defeats the entire project, trying to be oneself. That's exhausting, too. I don't know why you need to struggle, or anyone else. It's not like it's your fault because, well, let me say I had my wish.... I'm not sure what it would be. That no one struggle.

> I keep fantasizing about doing some type of work, alone, with paper of some sort. (don't ask me what, that's the extent of the thought, but it helps a bit)

Dear golly, how much interpersonal stuff do you need to do for your work? I absolutely imagine you with paper and quiet time, solitude, not so much alone.

>
> My sister is coming to my therapy
appointment tomorrow. I need to talk to her about stuff.
> I don't know if I'll tell her about my semi-suicide attempt. I don't want to upset her. I went to the cardiac unit for a couple of days after it, but I don't know what constitutes "serious", but I know
what constitutes "stupid".
> I didn't really mean to do anything. My judgment kinda sucked, and it's not something I'd ever like to do again.

SG, I'm sorry. Yeah, I think of it like handing someone a box covered in barb wire. Who would I want to share news like that with? Then again, depending on who she is, maybe she knows something by omission. Some people would really want to know that happened to you and be strong enough to carry it. Like being given a missing piece to a puzzle. Do you know what I mean?
>
> I sort of feel like I am just an angst filled, pessimistic person, and that nothing will change that. I'd like to believe that meds will make it better. They help anyway. Regardless of that
question I couldn't cope very well with
getting off them at this point.

Do you feel guilt over medication (I do--like I shouldn't need it--though I don't
think I apply that to others. I save the
best criticism for myself), or just wtf, who wants to be taking some half-*ss stuff
and still feel crummy? Then there's sadness.
>
> eh, there's more, but that's enough
>
Yes. And I'm sorry, too, sg. It's sounds. like more than enough already.
>

I didn't comment earlier about your dad. I've read these threads all out of order and interrupted. My dad had cancer,
too. I spent time with him and did my
best to be there. Our relationship wasn't stellar. I always felt I knew him, but he didn't know me. And when he was dying, I protected him. I think I was so successful that it pisses me off that he didn't see the trouble I had.

Btw, I am seeing the/my pdoc on Friday. He thinks he's still my pdoc. Actually he's acting like it until I finally say otherwise. I guess that's his job, lucky guy. I've fired him three times in the last two months. That's actually progress for me. I usually endure silently.

So thanks for the nudge. I'm still off meds, and the world just spins. My mil telling me it's menopause. I just feel like the perfect storm right now.

(A great book--the perfect storm--not so great movie. The guys that fish out of Boston are not like George Clooney. Who is?

* and whoever gazes at the stars will never again be quite alone...

c-ptsd & attendant health concerns

Re: sleepygirl, » sleepygirl2

Thread

Post a new follow-up

Notify the administrators

Start a new thread