Posted by Enigma on May 20, 2010, at 9:23:07
I'm a treatment resistant bipolar II patient who's been suffering for almost 20 years with one side of the bipolar spectrum or another.
For the past 8? years, my hypo-manic side is nearly gone. It was there just long enough to destroy a lot of friendships and such because these people thought I was just plum "crazy". It's nice losing all your friends (NOT). Now I'm depressed, lost 3 jobs over it and haven't worked for 5-6 years or so and probably never will again. A high paying intellectually stimulating software engineering career down the tubes.Now, I'm on disability, with a wife I hate (we're separated), and 3 kids I love, still living in our dream house, but every month tapping our savings to live here.
I've never been in love with my wife, as a general rule, and married her because I couldn't find "the one", a "soulmate", or someone I was at least very attracted to. I thought I could handle it. Well, I did for 17 years of faithful marriage. Then, one day I have a spazzy manic attack and blew up at my wife for ruining my life. Even though I really didn't mean exactly what I said, and I apologized like crazy, but she still took it to heart and fell out of love for me, and we're separated now, but living in the same house for the kids.
I can't even afford to get a proper divorce and find my own apartment, so I'm stuck, in misery here. 1/2 of me wants to stay with my kids, the other 1/2 wants to get the hell away from her. She's become mean, uncaring, spiteful, and uncompassionate to my illness. She's always had a HORRIBLE bed-side manner, and never asks, while I'm stuck in bed all day unable to or unwilling to get up, "do you want a drink of water", "can I bring you some dinner", nothing. She basically ignores my illness which is NOT what I need. I've felt alone in this house for years. Then she bitches about what she has to put up with? Really now? What about the 12+ years we were together were you didn't have to work a day, and I earned all the money to be on on third house, our dream home. I don't hear her complaining about that!So
Currently, besides the relentless depression (and suicidal thoughts),
1)I have no woman that is in love with me
2)Im not in love with any woman (except Sarahs ghost, which doesnt count - long story)
3)Im starting to lose it, or lose sanity each day and afraid if Im out in public and things go awry, I wont be able to contain my dark side anymore Im losing that willpower and strength to contain him on a daily basis. He goes wild in my dreams and has done so for years, and I actually feel better when that happens because hes really a defense mechanism when I get hurt, and he hurts "them" back, when I dream. I will NOT describe this further.
4)I have a hard time going to bed each night. I just sit there staring into space thinking about life and how much bad it has been for me
5)I have no close friends I see on a regular basis (despite my best efforts)
6)I dont have a best friend and havent in more years than I care to remember
7)Most people Ive been there for have ended up hurting me whether they know it or not, throughout my entire life, and usually dumped me as a friend
8)At 41, I pretty much have no chance of finding an attractive girl who actually wants to take care of me and doesnt mind being the bread winner (that's to whatever #!^$@ that made up the rules on what women expect to get out of a relationship, and what men expect to get) Basically, most women are no different than... I won't say it.
9)Online dating is useless because I need to sell myself to a woman by what I say and do with them in person, and you cant do that online
10)I need the affection and to give affection back to a women I love and I dont have anything close to that, and can't see it happening at 41
11)At the moment, I believe Ive decided not to give my current wife a chance. She is NEVER going to fulfill my needs or make me happy. I'm never going to fall in love with her, ever. I want her out of my life, like I did when I first met her (long story)
12)I need 2-3 meds to sleep through the night, every single night.
13)Even with the drugs, when Im manic-y, I still cant get to sleep because my mind races uncontrollably.
14)Nardil, an MAOI, the only drug that works for me (out of about 30+ other drugs and cocktails I've tried) is starting to fail. While only the drug, only just recently did I have some excruciatingly painful, uncontrollable, crying spells where I did everything is my power not to kill myself. The pain was the worst thing I've felt in my life, and far worse that any physical pain I've ever had (and I've been hit my 3 cars, on foot or bike), and painful surgeries and so on. They couldn't touch the pain I felt during my last crying spell.
I was hyperventilating for an hour and couldn't stop, then the sadness and suicidal intent? came. I literally thought I was going to die, right there in bed.If it weren't for my kids, I'd be long gone. I haven't even told you about my mental and physical abuse by my parents. I even wrote a book about it.
I live for 3 little lives, and suffer in pain to do so. All I want is to wife a new wife and love to call my own, but despite trying the last 6 months, I've failed miserably. I don't know how to continue living anymore. Every few days I feel like I'm done, and want to be set free. If Nardil fails completely, I don't have many alternatives that I haven't already tried that have already pooped out. So, if the drug finally fails, then so do I.
poster:Enigma
thread:948015
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20100417/msgs/948015.html