Posted by Phil on July 29, 2009, at 5:58:16
Last post to you. I can't take anymore and I'm not alone.
I have screamed for help one time, one, in 10 years. I didn't do 100's of suicide posts I did one. AFTER, I literally dangled from an extension cord. I was so close to death I could see Jesus in my headlights. My neck was crunched and it hurt like hell.
You posted great support to me and I was proud of you. Thank you.
But the next post you couldn't take it and said suicide again. You absolutely have to have all the attention here 24/7.
Here everyone comes..it's OK deneb, etc. It makes me want to puke that over and over you rope these people in and many are gullible enough to buy it. Not I, not now, not ever.
Analogy: War time, I've been shot 3 times and everyone is frantic trying to save me. You yell out that you lost your gun for the 800th time. They leave me bleeding to death because deneb lost her gun. wtf?
You are an intelligent girl. The coursework you do, I could never do..ever. And I do know that you have very serious problems to face. But like I've said before, babble ain't your daddy and we aren't equipped to help you. We can support you and most everybody does but you have to do the work and you aren't doing it from all I can see.
I wrote versions of this post 3 times at 1 a.m.
I didn't send them because I'm not here to hurt you, trigger you, make you sad or any of that. Many here desperately love you and would do anything to help, and they try. But it bounces off like a tennis ball off of my head when I try tennis...which is never.deneb, it's your choice how you deal with my post, and I know it's the roughest post I've ever written here.
I would say the exact same thing to a close friend in real life and I did just that to a man I've known since we were 5, when he was hooked on meth. I would die for him right now. He's as close as a friend can get. Anyway, after the showdown, nose to nose, he didn't talk to me for 2 months. That was 20 years ago. And he did stop, two!!! years ago.
Some people can't see the trees for the forest, me included.
Yes I get irritated with you but I'm probably more screwed up. I just keep it inside which was one reason I couldn't take it anymore on June 9th, 2009. I will never forget that date because I don't ever want to repeat it and by the grace of god, I won't.
I won't say I love you deneb because I don't know you. But, despite it all, you're a precious child of god and if you and I let him, he will see us through.
You may not believe me, but if something tragic occured in your life(not suicide, we both need to lose that word) I'd be on a plane to your awesome country in a heartbeat. We could cry together and as long as the tears were flowing I'd stay.
Longest post in history, Jesus Christ.
One more thing before I close this novel.
I used to work with a guy named Ken M at a store I managed. One of the guys had a 357 magnum and Ken asked to borrow it because some 'guys were after him.'
Ken was truly a gentle soul and I always cared for him. One night he and I and my gf, were at my apt swimming pool. We talked for hours with our 'britches rolled up and our feet in the water.
About a month later, Ken drove out Blanco Rd in San Antonio, walked out in the pasture and blew his brains out. Everybody that worked for me wept, even the jerks.
His father came in my store a few weeks later to pick up something Ken had left there. He was a broken man. He was devastated obviously. I cried when he left just seeing him..it was awful.
That's what we leave behind when we take our own lives. I still think of Ken, I can hear his voice, the way he talked I mean.
The more we talk about S, the more it sinks into our brain. The more it sinks into our brain, the more we talk about it. It becomes the solution for every problem that life throws at us.
We must be smarter.
If we stick it out no matter what I'm convinced when we walk through those pearly gates, Jesus himself will be there. What will this wise man say to you deneb? I'm proud of you, I love you, I was with you every step.
Welcome home.
poster:Phil
thread:909130
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20090714/msgs/909130.html