Posted by Racer on February 14, 2008, at 11:50:04
In reply to I want to die :-(, posted by Deneb on February 14, 2008, at 1:58:23
>
> Probably people don't take me seriously anymore. I always say I'm going to kill myself. I don't even know when I'm serious. All I know is I feel bad NOW, and I want to be dead.Deneb, when you say that you want to die, I take you seriously -- I don't think you are going to kill yourself, but I do take it seriously that you feel awful, and that matters to me. I take it seriously that you're in a lot of pain, and that matters to me. If I could wave a magic wand, I would, but since I can't, all I have to offer you are my words. I wish they were enough, but I know they're not.
I agree with Dinah -- I, too, feel as though I want to end my life when I feel so trapped and angry, and that's what it sounds like to me when you describe what's going on for you. You sound trapped, angry, and a bit confused. You also sound as though you really need someone to care about you. Many people here care about you, and I would bet that others in your real life care about you, too. It's just too bad that your family isn't showing their love to you in a way that's helpful to you. (<< Someone nominate me for the Understatement Award?)
Kath also had a point -- families often pick one person to be the scapegoat, and it sounds as though you've been elected in your family. It's a terrible place to be, and I'll bet they don't realize what they're doing, but that doesn't help you much, does it? Guess what? The only part of your family dynamics that I care about is how *you* feel, and right now it looks as though you're in a lot of pain because of it. I'm very sorry about that.
You have worth.
It doesn't take a degree to have worth. It doesn't take a huge number on a pay check to have worth. You don't have to break a sweat to have worth. You, as yourself, warts and all, have worth. You have as much worth as your sister, your mother, the Prime Minister, or Celine Dion. You are worthy. You wanna know what I think the benefit of finishing your degree would be? I think you'd feel good that you finished it. That's about the only real benefit I can think of. Sure, it would make it easier to find a job, but there are jobs out there that don't require degrees.
And I very much doubt that finishing your degree would make any difference in the way your sister treats you.
Deneb, what is your degree in? Why did you choose that subject? Is it something you really feel passionate about? Or is it something you think you should be studying? Is it something that someone else picked out for you? That's just a question I think you'd do well to ask yourself. Maybe it's something to discuss with your pdoc, too.
(That's just a question that occurred to me while I read your post.)
Zazenducke had a good idea, too, and I think it's worth your while to look into it. ANYTHING that got you out of your current environment for a while would probably be a good thing for you.
And here's one last thought on the whole family dynamics thing: you can't change anyone else. What you can do, though, is change the way you react to them -- and that, in turn, will change the dynamics. It's hard, because they're almost certain to push harder to get the expected response, so you have a harder time of it just when you're most fragile, but it's worth it. I strongly recommend talking to your pdoc about ways to cut off the routine with your sister and your mother. Learn a few phrases that you can use to stop engaging. "Thank you for caring. I don't choose to discuss that with you." That's one that might help. "I've said I don't care to discuss that with you. Please respect my wishes." Phrases like that, which acknowledge their caring intent -- which we assume, because we're kind and generous that way ;-) -- and ask for better behavior from them; phrases which you can repeat until they leave off. Your pdoc will likely be very helpful with that.
Also, and this is very personal and I hope you're not offended by this idea, I get the feeling that you've learned not to stand up for yourself, and as a result you turn your anger at them towards yourself; that you flagellate yourself with their accusations. That's a very good habit to get over -- it's also very hard. Maybe looking at why you accuse yourself, over and over, of all the things they accuse you of, and never seem to look at their behavior? It's so painful to see you accusing yourself of laziness, and never acknowledging their unkindness towards you. Yes, I think they love you, I think they really think they're helping you, but their intentions aren't the point: their actions are the point. Regardless of their intentions, Deneb, they're being unkind to you.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, Deneb, and I wish I could help. Best I can do is tell you that I take you seriously, and I take your pain seriously. You're not invisible, you have great worth, and you deserve better than to feel this bad.
(And I should be working right now, rather than posting, so you might feel special right now. I took the time away from work I really should be doing, because I thought you were worth my time. I thought trying to offer you support and caring was a worthy use of my time.)
(And now back to my Babble Break...)
poster:Racer
thread:812595
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080130/msgs/812680.html