Posted by Existentialist on September 25, 2007, at 13:17:47
In reply to Re: Loosing my sanity. » Existentialist, posted by Quintal on September 25, 2007, at 2:53:07
yeah I can see how that response is likely very confusing. I wrote it during the dysopria of waiting for the ambien to kick in...
but here's the original response, that I wrote in pretty logical cold sort of mood. It's me talking from inside my issue when I wrote this response, that's why I didn't want to post it. I looked it later in the day and thought it wouldn't be that helpful, but that's part of the problem with me, I want control and perfection, and am a huge misanthrope, and yet that's what makes my world empty, but to me it's justified because I'm convinced it's really that bad, and not even 'bad', I just see it as unfortunate. But, well here I am again rambling, but here's my original response.
How high is your emotional intelligence? low, small things can really screw me up.
Do you have good intuition? I can
How often do you try to help other people? they need help too?
I'd probably make it worse by making the swallow the same 'truth' I do. I suppose if I really move to their level and care about the things they do, I can feel more empathy, but it's by dissolving part of myself to do it. I've dealt with all my emotions privately my whole life, if not I'd probably be an anarchist throwing rocks at police, that sort of thing. My docile nature really betrays me.Do you ever take life too seriously? There's a lighter side?
Are you able to laugh at yourself? No, that's probably the worst part, I can't laugh anymore in a real way. I can laugh, but I'm not laughing on the inside.
If any of these things were to change, do you think you would feel any better? Yeah I'd feel great in a world where joy and love existed, and we could laugh openly and trust one another. My hardcore realism never trusts anyone. I trust them to the extent where I always maintain my skepticism and assume my behavior might cause trust-like behaviors in them, but psychically I can't cross the line to actually trusting them.Do you know how to change?
Not so much, I don't know how to be 'a real person', like them, no one ever taught me. I lived in the shadows even when socially I made the cut, had a social life, had a sex life. When I used to have sex, it was never guilt free, or without concerns of doing it right. I feel like I had sex plenty of times without actually having sex. I want real sex. I sometimes have fantasies about being a real person, or full honesty or full surrender to something, like a sort of purifying sexual experience, or a drug experience where I merged with nature and gave up my materialist perspective.Do you want to change? I do, to an extent. I'm not sure someone like me can change, I can't change fully, I've made this reality, this intellectual space I occupy, like any intellectual or atheist I'm excluded from believing. I extend my atheism to the social as well, I don't worship the 'social gods'.
Is it worth the effort?
I work at it every day. It's what keeps me going, to find some shred of something which can be a hedge against nihilism. With drug experiences it was a sort of redeeming beauty, usually I see no beauty, I see a world whose social conditions are terminal, and that I can make a model that predicts the outcome, like a math equation that might show how a cancer takes over a body. That's how I see it. I see something truly dangerous about the times we live in, I think the social system and inherent control games will come to dominate everything, there's certainly nothing standing in it's way that I can see.Do you think there is some advantage in staying the way you are?
Plenty. To me it's a control game. If I can get my social aspects together enough to be charismatic and the right kind of person who can be trusted and accepted, then I can play an important role in life. Carrer wise, I plan on doing computers and business. Both are control games where being human is a sin. Here the goal is to build a better business model to better have profits, to have more market, and do it better than anyone else. The goal of software is the simplest route to solving the problem and reducing the problem to a series of steps and variables values which are the conditions for decision making.
poster:Existentialist
thread:780069
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070925/msgs/785109.html