Posted by Daisym on April 21, 2007, at 17:38:44
I'm not on this board very much. I sometimes travel around the different Babble boards, particularly when I'm having a hard time and nights get long. Being on the west coast often means no one is up when I'm lonely and flitting around. But that also means I don't get embroiled very often in controversy. (OK, yes I've been PBC'd, I'm not perfect!) I stay over on psychological where I can nurture and be nurtured. We are known as the "soft" group but I'm OK with that. There is a wonderful mix of minds and hearts that push and pull and soothe and support and sometimes even challenge one another. We've all said the wrong thing on occasion and we've all posted things we wish we could take back. And more than a few of us have written "I guess no one cares about this/me" when there is a lack of responses. It hurts when we feel slighted by friends or the group. I think it feels way too familiar for many of us, to be on the outside looking in.
But who defines the "in" group? I have been thinking about this a lot. My whole life I've been the smart, fat girl. I'm practical, not wild, not emotional and certainly never suicidal. But here - I can be all those things, because they might all be true at different times. There is freedom in being Daisy, her body is a non-issue and she doesn't have to hide her feelings. Sometimes those feelings are more welcome and sometimes less welcome here (like talking about suicide). It depends on the mood or "busyness" of the group, and I'm OK with that, because most of the time I know (or can be reminded) not to take it too personal.
My "group" expands and contracts frequently. There are a core of us who have been on babble for years. Many were here already when I arrived. Some have dropped off, some have drifted away, some have died. I mourn these losses but I also am glad for those who have joined, who are now "new" friends and I celebrate the appearance of the "used to be here" babbler when they drop in. And yes there are threads I avoid, for my own reasons.
Why am I writing this? Babble has come to mean a great deal to me. In my journey to find myself and figure out how to know what I know and navigate therapy, Babble has been my AAA: roadside service, emergency repair and insurance against accidents. (Do other states have AAA?) Twice it has very literally saved my life. "It" meaning the people here and the forum that allows honesty, safety and support.
It makes me sad when we don't stop for a minute and think about how hard it must be to provide all those things, and still try to keep this as open as possible for posters to express themselves. I don't want to debate whether Babble is open or supportive or whatever. That isn't my point. I find myself wanting to write something stupid like, "can't we all just get along?" But I really feel that way. And I so appreciate how hard it is to be a deputy here -- it is like being a mom in so many ways. You have to keep it together behind the scenes, enforce the rules, keep everyone safe and meet their individual needs and for all that you end up being the target of their frustration when things go south. "It's not fair! You are so mean!" I've had these things screamed at me by my children so many times. It hurts me when I'm trying to do the right thing for them, even as they hate me for it in the moment.
So to all the deputies, please know that I appreciate what you do and how hard it is to keep doing it. You are loved and I miss you when you disappear and don't post much. IRL I know all too well how it feels to be in charge and yet want to be part of the group too. It is the hardest balancing act there is. You all do it well.
Love and hugs to all Babblers,
Daisy
poster:Daisym
thread:752081
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070421/msgs/752081.html