Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 19, 2007, at 12:47:00
In reply to Re: How can you be sure? *triggers* » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by Deneb on January 19, 2007, at 12:07:52
> I'm doing better at the staying safe thing. I told my Mom this time.
>That's really good, Deneb. I know it's not easy, and your mom is probably having a hard time dealing with the strong feelings that come when she thinks about her daughter dying or hurting herself. Did your mom's actions/reactions help you feel reassured about your options next time you feel desperate?
> I think a big part of what leads to my ODing is that I don't believe I will be harmed from them. My pdoc told me I wouldn't have died. I believe her. I OD to self harm, not to die. I know how much I need to take for there to be a chance of it being lethal. I don't approach that amount.Deneb, you can NEVER be sure. The human body is a strange and complicated thing. Something silly like drinking grapefruit juice or eating a meal can affect how a drug is absorbed and metabolized. This is not a game Deneb. It's your life. (It's my friend's life too, actually. I'd feel SO bad if you got hurt. You have no idea.)
> >
>
> When my hamster was alive I used to tell myself I couldn't kill myself because no one would take care of my hamster if I were to die. I'm not suicidal anymore. When I OD I don't want to die. If I'm able to tell my Mom or call my pdoc before I OD, that probably means I wouldn't have OD'd in the first place. I guess when I mean is, if I tell someone about it before I do it, that means I wasn't serious about it to begin with and was in no danger, but I think I know what you mean. Wouldn't it be like crying wolf if I say I'm thinking of ODing and I don't?
>Well, that's some twisted thinking (not to disparage you). Put yourself in your mother's place. Would your mother prefer that you tell her BEFORE you harm yourself? or AFTER you harm yourself?
Now put yourself in Deneb*'s place. What are the reasons for OD (there may be a lot of reasons, and it might not make sense, but please try hard to think of all the possible things that make you go in this direction). Is one of them because you want your mother (or caregiver, or anyone else) to treat you a certain way?
I know that when I feel desperate and uncertain and in pain and hurting... I just want someone to take all my pain away, and care for me and nurture me. (That's why I visit Camp Comfort, on occasion). Is this the reaction that you wish for as well? Perhaps you are scared of "crying wolf" because it jeopardizes your chance of obtaining this reaction?
There is another way, though. You can get someone to care and love and nurture you when you're healthy too. You don't have to be in distress to deserve to be loved. You deserve to be loved and treated with compassion ALL the time. Not just when you're in trouble.
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> I have an idea. I should write down the number for the Distress Centre and call them the next time I want to OD. That's a good idea right?
>YEAH! that's a great idea. Keep it handy. Sometimes just having that phone number gives you enough strength to help you make it on your own, and having it handy will make it easier for you to call them BEFORE you harm yourself.
> I think the way my pdoc handled it was good for me. She taught me she couldn't "save" me.
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> >
> > > My pdoc wants to help me live my life, she's not out to save my life. When I was suicidal she told me that it's my choice whether or not to kill myself. She knows she has no control over these things. I respect her for that.Yes, that's good for some situations, but I also think you're going to have to do some more work to get to the root of these behaviors. What function do they serve? Why does Deneb persist in them, even though she's being treated with medication and twice monthly therapy? I think that something's gotta give. You need a little more help in the therapy department to help you understand the reasons for engaging in this behavior. We can treat the symptoms, but at the core there has to be something that is causing you to have these self-destructive thoughts and behaviors. I wouldn't wish those feelings on my worst enemy, and it really hurts when you have those feelings and can't seem to make sense out of them. You need some help to understand yourself, so that you can begin to change and grow. I *KNOW* you can do it, but it's hard work. When you're ready to change, you will know it. Until then, you do the best job you can. Keep your mom close, and tell your pdoc about ALL your symptoms, the feelings, the thoughts, the crises, what happened during the crises, the good moments, the way you and your mom (and the rest of your family) are getting along.
> I think she's good at counselling. She helps me.
>
> Thanks Ll for your response. (((((((((llurpsie)))))))))
>
> Deneb*
>No problem Deneb*. I bet your pdoc IS a good counsellor. You have been doing some really amazing things this year, including travelling by yourself, meeting complete strangers for giving an oral presentation in front of a group of DOCTORS! and I see that you're on a path of really inspiring self-growth and discovery. Keep it up, and I think that you will do pretty well for yourself. Have you thought about your long-term plans, (my long-term plans are scary to contemplate) or your goals for treating yourself to something nice next week?
Is there something healthy that you can do every day that will help you feel better about yourself? perhaps agree that you will do at least 1 hour of homework. As long as you do one hour, you can feel good about yourself. how about that?
I'm going to go do my work now, with those intentions.
-Ll
poster:Llurpsie_Noodle
thread:723690
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070112/msgs/724042.html