Posted by SandyWeb on December 1, 2006, at 7:19:13
In reply to Re: I Feel Like Dying..........(Trigger) » SandyWeb, posted by Deneb on December 1, 2006, at 0:52:28
Hi Deneb,
Thanks for the hugs. I am feeling much better today. I was having difficulties dealing with my daughter's recent problems, and then I was having a LOT of worries about how my son was going to achieve his focus to do well with his school work. I have the best intentions, and I have all these plans for helping my kids (because I love them so much and I want them to do incredibly better than I ever did). But the pressure of making all the plans and phone calls and appointments and then even just TRYING to discuss all these plans with the kids was just more than I could take. I'm not the same Sandra as I used to be.
I feel so purposeless and ineffective in trying to guide my kids, and I feel that once they are on their own.....there really is no reason for me to be around UNLESS I can find a volunteer position that I feel is worthwhile to the people in the neighborhood. Plus one that doesn't cost me any bus fares because I barely make enough to survive as it is. But I don't see anything within walking distance that catches my attention as being an organization that I want to align myself with.
Maybe if I could get myself to screw up my courage and go to church (with lots of anti-anxiety meds in my system....isn't that pathetic??)....maybe I could discover some local shelters or soup kitchen or a clothing bank.....SOMETHING that would give me a purpose to breathe this air that others had taken away from them through illness, murders and accidents. I need a purpose.
Also, I am having a tremendous amount of trouble with my son. I was so happy to have him back, but he is such a verbally abusive boy to me and he just keeps yelling at me to get off the computer. I try to tell him that he is a visitor in my home, but he is still acting like a child (18-years of age does not turn a male into an adult! Lol). But I also know that if he moves out, I will be all alone again.....and that becomes absolutely intolerable after a period of time. And suicide seems like the only option for the despair that I would feel. *sigh*
I'm sorry to end this email in such a negative mood, but my son is really making me feel like a bad mum because I take medications and I'm on Welfare and that I spend too much time on the computer (my only outlet to the world, which I find healthful since I can make friends....even if I never can meet them).
I must go. The son is getting too restless. Take care of yourself. Thank you once again for the hugs. I appreciated them.
God bless,
Sandy
poster:SandyWeb
thread:708880
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20061123/msgs/709266.html