Posted by verne on May 10, 2006, at 18:55:35
In reply to Re: Left Hand Corner » verne, posted by TexasChic on May 10, 2006, at 16:22:35
I guess I'm having a mini nervous breakdown. I let my zen southern baptist preacher/computer whiz friend talk me into a barbeque for my daughter's wedding reception. From now on, he will be known as "barbeque guy". Let it be written, let it be so.
I then promised my daughter I would never drink again as part of the wedding gift. Now I realize I can't do either, I'm letting everyone down, and I'm back to basically not wanting to wake up in the morning.
Hospital isn't an option. I just need time-out from weddings and barbeques. My meds are right. I finally have klonopin for anxiety which I'm not using today of course. Starting to get out of my comfort zone and go to church (3 Sundays in a row) and want to get involved in spiritual small group courses.
Now I have to disappoint my daughter. I've already blown the "no drink" promise (that was expected I guess) and now I'm reneging on the reception party. I really think I can make it through this without hospitalization if my daughter and the rest of them would understand and give me lots of space.
I can't deal with any sort of "celebration" because I so deeply don't enjoy anything as it is. If I pretend to enjoy something, I almost have a fit later - a kind of backlash.
I just can't believe I've managed to survive this long. I have one iron-core constitution and will to live I guess.
I know things would be different if I could get off the booze for an extended time. I can't keep drinking every 7-10 days (sometimes sooner, sometimes I make it a month or two). I used to put months and even a couple years of sobriety together.
Another reason I can't drink is I don't want to blow the klonopin prescription. Benzos work and unlike booze, don't jack my blood pressure and just about kill me. And they don't lead to drinking either (this is an anomaly) Benzos don't equal drinking in my case. In fact, I managed to go 2 years without drinking while on librium. I think klonopin is a lot cleaner and more promising. I would always get sort of flushed after taking librium - like a hint of niacin. There's no body load with klonopin. Not flashy, no high, no side effects. I'm on too low a dose (0.5 twice a day or as needed) but still think it will make a difference.
Off to play high stakes poker I guess. Last time I drank I increased my table stake 15x in six hours at a limit game. I really should turn pro but I can't play unless I drink and I know where that leads. I've been good about not doing any actual gambling for years, limiting myself to "fantasy sports" and token games. By not *gambling*, I won $1,550.00 last year.
I'm good at anything involving probability and predicting what others in the game will do given the odds, situation, and their past behavior. Except I need to be heavily medicated for all but the most beneign games. I can't play in a casino or go to a track anymore. And I draw the line with online *casino" gambling. Funny, how a nice chunk of credit card fraud can be traced back to these off-shore virtual casinos. I mean, you lose *twice*.
So I'm off to silly token play where I can turn them in later for real money.
verne
poster:verne
thread:641253
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060503/msgs/642325.html