Posted by inja on April 24, 2006, at 10:35:12
In reply to IF YOU'RE GOING TO STAY W/ A SPOUSE THAT BEATS YOU, posted by corafree on April 22, 2006, at 15:12:44
wow. talk about a bucket of ice water in the face.
at first, i didn't understand. then of course, when i read your post completely, i thought dear God she's telling "my" story!while i suffered abuse at the hands of parents, and 2 husbands with a few others thrown in between, i also had an accident of falling on ice. hard.
for 2 yrs i suffered the pain without reg. meds., and/or surgery. it came down to it's either me or it's a bullet. i am grateful my dr. "caught" that, and sent me to therapy (psych) as well as a host of pain programs, surgery (never again. it made it worse.)physial therapy and a slew of medications until we found the right ones with the right dosage.
i had to "retire" from my job as a state worker as i too, couldn't sit stand or lay down for more than 30 mins. at a time.
and that is the gospel. for 2 years, i got up from bed, all night long, every 30 mins or less. now, with 12 years of reg. narcotic pain meds, psych meds, lots of therapy and the 2nd husband having thrown me out on the street (after beating the livin' bejesus out of me saying he didn't want to take care of a "cripple", he wanted someone to take care of him)(i am actually grateful he did, because i was resigned that i would die at his hands one day. because he DID throw me out, and i was forced to learn to live alone (never lived alone my whole 44 years at the time) and rely upon "inja") i am now in a much better place than i could have ever hoped.
i can now sleep most nights all the way thru, or at least 5 hours, straight thru. i am also hoping that our new mattress will help. we bought a king size one yesterday; its a tempurpedic (i use their pillow and it really helps my cervical problems/that came from being strangled quite frequently)and it will be here wednesday (hurrah!)when it arrives.
yes chronic pain is a b*tch. i hate it, i get resentful sometimes because i cannot do some of the things that i used to do and i am newly married (lucked out on this fella... i figured out what the h*ll i DIDN'T want in a relationship), the weather affects me constantly (i believe most chronic pain folk are a human barometer), amongst many other things.
i don't have an answer. all i can do is share with you what helped me.
besides having the right meds and dosages given to me by a dr. who is NOT afraid of the DEA, i had a huge task in front of me. and i still face it at times, but it IS getting better.
what i had to do was to learn to forgive myself. yeah i know. but i had to forgive myself, i.e. not being strong enough, bad choices, hostage taking rather than healthy relationships, and a bunch of other crap.
there is a little girl inside of me who hasn't trusted me since age 4. i don't care if that sounds hokey. it is what it is, and for me that is THE truth. so, for the past 7 years or so, i have been learning all about her, and working to get HER trust back. because i've been doing that, (and probably will for a while longer) and learned how to live alone (i couldn't even balance my checkbook) she is now trusting me to make some life decisions, for her as well as me.
i had NO idea who to call for phone or cable service. yeah, it was really tough because i not only didn't know how to do that stuff, i was so embarrassed FOR myself if that makes any sense.
cora dear, i can SO relate to what you are saying, and what you are NOT saying. i can empathize completely, and hope that you can get to a "better" place too.
1 tidbit, which you probably already know - when dealing with dr.'s etc, remember that you are the consumer. you are the one that's making that mercedes benz car payment that month (or you and your insurance). ask questions, do research, demand answers. all of that is very very hard when you don't have much self esteem. it took me a long time to STOP apologizing to my dr. for being in pain. (in fact, she's the one who told me to knock it off!)
anyway, i'm long winded as h*ll, but i want you to know i really hear what you are saying. and what i hear a person who is in tremendous pain, physical and emotional.
take care of YOU, cora. like i said, chronic pain is a b*tch. but with the right kinds of support, etc. it IS do-able.
babble me if u like, 'kay? {{{gentle hugz cora}}}
poster:inja
thread:635894
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060422/msgs/636465.html